


If I'm dreaming, please don't wake me up

by technicallyimawriter



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Birthday Party, Dreams and Nightmares, Fix-It of Sorts, Heavy Angst, Kid Fic, Let's go with it, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, POV Alternating, POV Magnus Bane, POV Raphael Santiago, POV Simon Lewis, Parenthood, Time Skips, Time Travel, depiction of blood, it's like time travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2020-02-28 11:53:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 47,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18755932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/technicallyimawriter/pseuds/technicallyimawriter
Summary: Simon knew it was all kinds of weird, he knew it. There was no way he was back at the DuMort and Raphael was happy about that but it seems he had low expectations because here he was: starting anew with him.He was back at the hotel, back to the clan. Back to Raphael.It really felt like a dream come true.--Simon is back at the hotel after the events with soul sword. He's happy, more than that and in order to keep things like that, he will ignore the feeling that the whole thing feels off and too good to be true.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MoroccanShadowhunter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoroccanShadowhunter/gifts).



> HI! YES! HERE IT IS! THREE YEARS LATER! I'm so sorry I took so long to writing your prompt, life got in the way and then I hit some major writers block. Then, when I had a draft for it, it got so complicated I didn't know how to fix it, so I deleted it and now I have no base for this. No draft, we die like men. BUT THE POINT IS I'M HERE AND I WILL FINISH WRITING THIS PROMPT. I took some liberties with it, I hope you don't mind.
> 
> \--
> 
> This will get confusing my guys, so bear with me. I have an idea! and I will promise to answer your questions without giving too much away.
> 
> This takes place after 2a, with the whole soul sword issue but in this "world" it never exploded. Clary takes it with her and Simon runs with her. There's a warlock that follows them, attacks Simon and that's where the story starts.
> 
> [My beta, my sunshine](https://wewalkadifferentpath.tumblr.com/). She makes this story readable. Thank her, as I do.
> 
> SO STRAP ON AND ENJOY!

Simon woke up with a start, wide-eyed and panting even though he knew it wasn't necessary. Pros of being a vampire.  
  
First thing he noticed was that he was back at the hotel, even though that couldn't possible, could it? He had left months ago. He couldn’t remember how he’d ended up here, no matter how hard he tried.  
  
He knew it was the hotel because the room where he had been, supposedly, sleeping was Raphael's. He had spent some nights there when the nightmares were too much for him.  
  
But that didn't explain how he’d gotten there.  
  
Suddenly, the door opened and with bated breath, Simon waited for another vampire to lunge at him and cut his head off for being there.  
  
What he got was Raphael peeking his head between the door and the doorframe and then- Raphael smiled.  
  
"Hey, there," he said, his voice impossibly soft.  
  
To say that he was shocked was an understatement. Simon was almost paralyzed, and he didn't dare to move a muscle, lest he would anger the clan leader.  
  
"How did you sleep?" Raphael asked, closing the door behind him.  
  
How was he supposed to answer that when he shouldn't even be there in the first place. His brain told him to shrug and hope for the best, so that was what he did.  
  
"I was worried," Raphael continued, sitting next to him, "you hit your head pretty bad."  
  
Simon nodded, even though he didn't know what really happened. "Did I?"  
  
"Yeah. You were trying to put some balloons up for Rose and, like the clumsy fledgling you are, you tripped over your laces." He scoffed while shaking his head.

Balloons?  
  
Rose? As in Raphael's sister? Did he turn her? That was almost impossible;

Raphael could be menacing and threatening but turning his own sister into a vampire was a point that Raphael wouldn’t reach. Of that he was sure.

  
Just like Simon didn't have the heart to ask him about her.  
  
So he went for the obvious. "Balloons?"  
  
"Yes, balloons. Rose is turning 10 today. Did you forget?"  
  
Raphael stared at him expectantly, waiting for a response that Simon wasn't sure he knew. Turning as in vampire or turning as in birthday? Which one was more likely to happen? Which one he was allowed to ask?  
  
"Birthday party?" Simon finally asked and immediately winced. That sounded better in his head.  
  
This time, Raphael frowned. "Yes. You hit your head really hard, did you?"  
  
Simon massaged his scalp, trying to find a sore spot that would make him remember but there was nothing. He was fine, nothing hurt and he had no clue as to how he’d gotten to the hotel.  
  
"Hey," Raphael said, touching his arm, bringing him back from his thoughts, "are you okay?"  
  
Simon nodded and smiled a bit, even though he wasn't sure if he was okay. Raphael kept frowning but didn't push, which was weird because the Raphael that he knew would push until he knew what was going on with Simon.  
  
"I'm good, I just feel a little off, that's all," Simon offered.  
  
Raphael nodded. "Right, okay. Well, get ready. Rose wants us to be there with her."  
  
Without waiting for a response, Raphael leaned down, kissed his forehead and walked out of the room all in one minute. Not enough time to process the fact that he had kissed him.

Raphael had kissed him.

What in the world?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what I'm doing :) but if this gets at least 10 kudos (and the person who sent me this obvs) liked this, I will continue. It sounds awful, I know, but no one likes to talk to the void so... Here's to hoping people like it.
> 
> Chapters will be short, at least the first ones until I get back on track. Sorry!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

Seeing that holing up in Raphael’s bedroom wasn’t going to solve his predicament, Simon took a deep breath and decided that it was better for him to go out and solve the mystery for himself.

The DuMort had been under construction for a long time but at least it had a room for private events; Simon figured that would be the place where this supposed birthday party was being held.

He still felt off, like something wasn’t right but he couldn’t tell. Raphael kissing him wasn’t that far-fetched now that he thought about it. Back when he’d first started living here, they might have shared one or two kisses, platonic of course, nothing that involved his true feelings towards his clan leader.

When he got to the room, every member of the clan was there, clutching a glass of what was obviously blood in their hands.

Hanging from the ceiling was a happy birthday sign with the name Rose at the end, balloons floating around. There was a large table at the far end of the room, propped against the wall, as large as it could be, filled to the brim with different pastries and in the middle of it was a three-tier cake, with blue and white frosting.   
  
In fact, all of the décor was blue and white but that wasn't the weirdest thing. They were vampires and if Simon got it right, Rose was supposed to be one too. So why did they have food?  
  
"Catarina magicked everything so it would taste like blood," a voice said behind him and when he turned around, it was Lily.  
  
She looked different, she looked happy. Looking at everyone's faces, they were all happy and Simon wasn't sure if it was because they were celebrating or because in this weird universe everyone accepted their nature and were cool with it.  
  
Simon still felt off but went with it.  
  
"That explains why there's so much food. Mundane food." Simon nodded, looking at the table instead. He really wanted to ask what was going on, why they were celebrating and why there was a kid in the hotel.  
  
Feeling Lily's gaze on him, he turned just to see her frowning.  


"Are you okay?" she asked. "You hit your head pretty hard yesterday. It bounced when you fell."  
  
He swallowed, nervous all of the sudden. If he said he didn't feel anything, would they kick him out? And he still didn't know how he got here.  
  
"I'm fine... I can't feel it, maybe it's those supernatural powers doing their thing," he offered, trying to sound confident but internally, he winced.   
  
He had come to learn that he was shit at telling lies and not related but also important: he was shit at being a vampire too.

"Everything is so blue and white. Why?"  
  
Lily gave him this look, like he was stupid, and he probably was. "She likes this movie, Frozen, and she begged for a themed party." There was a fond smile on her lips, something Simon had never seen. "We couldn't say no."  
  
Simon nodded, going with the course of things. But he had to admit that it looked beautiful, just what a little girl liked. They had truly gone out their way to make this possible.  
  
And Simon couldn't remember a damn thing.  
  
Suddenly, the doors opened, and Magnus strode in with Alec holding Madzie in tow. Alec was telling Madzie something while Magnus was looking at the set-up with a proud smile.  
  
Just for that Simon was proud of himself, even though he didn't remember adding his two cents for the party.  
  
"This is quite the set-up," Magnus commented when he was within ear-shot.  
  
Behind Magnus, Alec snorted, lowering Madzie. "You act as if you didn't have anything to do with this."  
  
Magnus raised arms in a "oh, well" gesture and Simon couldn't do anything but smile. It was weird, seeing them both this happy without the pressures of the outside world but it was refreshing. Seeing Alec Lightwood without a permanent scowl between his eyebrows? Well, he would take that as a win.  
  
Feeling his pants being tugged, Simon looked down to big brown eyes looking up at him.  
  
 "Where is Rose?" Madzie asked.  
  
That was a good question. He spluttered a vague answer, looking around him. There was no sign of Raphael or this famous kid Rose.  
  
And when he thought he was going to embarrass himself some more in front of her, the door opened again. Raphael sauntered in with, Simon guessed, Rose.  
  
Not to be dramatic but that was the most beautiful kid he'd ever seen. Big brown doe eyes, porcelain skin (a vampire treat, no doubt), long black hair, and she was wearing a blue dress, just like Elsa in Frozen.  
  
She was holding onto Raphael while everyone around them was clapping and cheering for her.   
  
He had never seen the clan so happy but if this kid could do that, then Simon was happy too.  
  
When she spotted him, it was like he brought the moon and the stars just for her (and if he were being honest, Simon would do it in a heartbeat), the biggest smile on her lips. Letting Raphael go, she started running as fast as her legs could go and Simon— Simon didn't think twice to kneel and catch her before she could crash against his legs.  
  
"Easy there. There's a lot of people here, don't run, okay?" He said and okay, where did that father tone come from?  
  
She smiled but Simon knew that was the least of her concerns. Simon smiled too. "Do you like my dress? Auntie Rose made it for me."  
  
Without warning, he felt a hand on his shoulder and Raphael was there, looking at Rose like he was in love. It was a sight. What was so special about her, Simon wanted to know.  
  
"You look beautiful, baby," Raphael said, leaning against Simon.  
  
Simon couldn't do anything but agree.  
  
"I wish Auntie Rose was here."  
  
And that was where he felt Raphael stiffen for a second and then relax.  
  
"She wishes that too, sweetheart," Raphael replied easily even though Simon knew something wasn't quite right with that.  
  
 She started to wiggle, so Simon put her down and right at that moment, she started chatting away with Madzie. Looking up at Magnus she asked, "can we go and play?"  
  
Magnus gave her the sweetest smile and nodded at them both.  
  
"But be careful!" Alec warned them while they were running away.  
  
Simon was preparing himself to hear that there was some mayhem going on.  
  
"I don't have the heart to tell her that there's no grandma," Raphael whispered, loud enough for them to hear. There was sorrow in his voice.  
  
It clicked in a second. Raphael's sister wasn't alive. It was that single thought and the need to comfort him that made Simon wrap his arm around Raphael's waist and pull him closer. He wasn't clear on what they were but doing this felt right. Raphael didn't shy away from his touch, so he should go with his instincts more often.  
  
"I'm going to check on the little monsters," Alec said after a beat of silence. Magnus nodded at him and they parted with a kiss.  
  
Raphael snuggled some next to him silently and while Simon still believed that the whole thing was odd, it felt nice being this close to him.  
  
In the distance, at the other side of the room, he could see Maia with who he thought was Jace, going by the blond hair and that Alec was talking to him with Rose and Madzie around him, giggling.  
  
"You know," Magnus started, bringing Simon back, "I never said it but your daughter is a gift. I love her like she was my own."  
  
Simon frowned. Daughter?  
  
"Well, if she keeps spending time at the loft, I'm going to start thinking she's yours."  
  
Magnus snorted and raised his arms in defeat. "Busted."  
  
Simon would have laughed but his thoughts kept circling around what Magnus said. Daughter? Raphael had a daughter? Since when? And could he even procreate?   
  
 He was so deep in thought that he didn't notice Magnus had left to where Alec was. Raphael, bless his soul, shook him a little until Simon was looking at him.  
  
"What's going on?" Raphael whispered. "You've been off since you woke up. Are you sure you're alright?"  
  
"Yeah, no. It's... A daughter? Since when?"  
  
Raphael looked at him funny and laughed a little like Simon told him a joke. "Since I found her 3 years ago. You know this, Simon." His smile slowly died down when Simon didn't laugh right away. "You're not joking."  
  
Simon didn't reply, couldn't even form words. That was something he should remember, why he couldn't? Something so important should be imprinted in his brain and yet—  
  
"That's your daughter too."  
  
Simon whirled his head so fast but was so shocked about the statement, he didn't care much about his neck.  
  
"My daughter?"  
  
Raphael frowned and stepped back. "We've been raising her together since I brought her to the hotel... What's going on, Simon?"  
  
He felt his breath quickening, even though he knew that was impossible. A daughter? He had a kid and with Raphael? That couldn't be— they... He had left the clan, how was that possible? He should...  
  
Why he couldn't remember a damn thing?  
 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Yes, it's a new chapter :)
> 
> \--  
> [The angel who's betaing this whole mess](https://wewalkadifferentpath.tumblr.com/) I love you

Simon woke up with a start, gasping for breath like his body was begging for it.  
  
He woke up again in Raphael's bedroom and it felt like Rose's birthday all over again, especially because he couldn't remember anything before that. The supposed life he had made with her and Raphael.  
  
As if summoning him, Raphael appeared before him with a worried look.

"Hey," Raphael said softly, sitting next to him, "you passed out yesterday. You've been acting weird, Simon. I'm worried."  
  
Simon shook his head because he didn't want Raphael to start thinking that he was crazy when Simon was already feeling that way.  
  
"I just... Everything sank in so quickly, you know. I guess... I mean, we've been doing this for years, right? It's– " Simon made a motion around his head like it was exploding, with sound effects included. “That’s a big thing, you know?”

Raphael nodded but he didn't look so convinced and Simon couldn't blame him. He didn't know what he was doing or what was happening. He felt like he was out of place; his body was his but the rest, the place, the people, everything felt off but at the same time it felt right. It was giving him whiplash.  
  
"I guess you’re realizing it now." He sighed in despair. "Maybe it was wrong of me to throw you this kind of responsibility when you still are coming to terms with being a vampire. I'm sorry."  
  
"What? No, no." Simon sat up while shaking his head. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I just... You've been trusting me this whole time and instead I'm acting like this. I'm sorry."  
  
Raphael nodded again but this time, he wasn't looking at him. Instead, he was looking down at his hands, maybe thinking about what he was going to say. Simon, for his part, didn't know what to say, since he didn’t remember a thing from before he woke up... Two days ago?  
  
"Maybe we should head back to the party," Simon commented, still unsure about the whole ordeal but the last thing he wanted was Rose to think he didn't want to be there, "I want to sing her birthday song."  
  
Raphael shook his head slowly. "The party is over. You've been out the whole night."  
  
_Shit._ So much for being a better dad.  
  
"She was scared, you know? Thought that you were really dead."  
  
Simon swallowed, feeling guilty all of the sudden. A little girl should never have to worry about that.  
  
Still looking down, Raphael continued, "We are the only thing she knows. You, me, the clan. The downworld." He looked up at the ceiling and then exhaled. "You can't act like this now, like you don't know her."  
  
"Raphael..."  
  
"No, listen." This time, Raphael turned to him, determination in his eyes. "I know this whole parenthood thing came as a shock to us, all of us, but I won't let that girl down. You've been doing so good these past years so whatever is going on with you right now, I need you to snap out of it because there's a little girl out there and she's counting on us."  
  
He nodded, because the alternative was scary. The alternative where he couldn't remember those years no matter how much he tried; it was all black.  
  
But Raphael was right, as always. If Rose was counting on them, counting on him, then he would do anything in his power to be there for her.  
  
"Can I count on you, Simon?"  
  
Simon nodded. "Yes."  
  
If he couldn't remember the last few years, then he would make new memories. Now that he was back at the hotel, back with Raphael, he wouldn't waste precious time trying to remember things that maybe he would never remember.  
  
"Okay. Get dressed, Rose has a play date with Madzie and she won't miss those."  
  
He smiled, watching Raphael stand up. He would get his act together and make his daughter happy.  
  
And after an hour of getting ready- Rose wanted to match her outfit with whatever Madzie was wearing, which included a call to Magnus- they were outside.  
  
In the middle of the day.  
  
When that first ray of sunshine hit Rose's face, Simon basically leaped to save her which only caused Raphael to throw him a look, like he was losing his mind. Rose was frowning and Simon felt like his heart stopped beating, even though it stopped beating years ago but the feeling remained.  
  
"Daddy, what are you doing?" She wiggled while saying 'put me down, put me down.'

"Magnus put a spell on us so the sun couldn't hurt us." Raphael raised his eyebrows meaningfully. "Remember?"  
  
Simon gulped, lowering Rose slowly. He saw Rose running towards Raphael like the sun was nothing while Simon stood there gaping at them and feeling like his soul was leaving his body.  
  
It was like out of dream: they were alive, walking under the sun, even feeling the heat of it but there was no danger. He had a daughter, for fuck's sake and he was taking her to a playdate.  
  
And Simon wondered if it was real because it was too good to be true.

“Dad, are you coming? I don’t want to be late,” Rose said, clearly impatient.

He took a deep breath; he didn’t need it but at this point he would take all the unnecessary breaths until he could get used to this new/old life of his.

Simon saw Rose walking ahead, knowing the way while Raphael walked towards him, concern in his face.

“You look like you’re going to faint again. Are you up to this?”

Simon swallowed while nodding. He closed his eyes for a moment and taking a last breath, he opened them. “I’m fine.”

Maybe it was the fact that Rose was walking alone, and Raphael was wasting time on him or maybe this time he believed Simon but whatever it was, Raphael nodded and didn’t push further. Turning around, he left to catch Rose, knowing Simon would follow them eventually.

He did, when he stopped feeling at the brink of a panic attack.

 _I’m fine_ , he said to himself, _I’m fine and this is my life now._  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Magnus put a spell on us so the sun wouldn't hurt us" AKA me creating new spells so the outing was believable. Let's run with that.
> 
> Simon will start loving his new life, which sounds amazing but it's really not. You'll see, it's not good.
> 
> Also, for those who are reading and leaving a comment, ilysm. It means a lot to me, really


	4. Chapter 4

Even though Simon was still reeling from that almost death experience (but not quite), they finally arrived at Magnus' loft, which according to Raphael, was the "Lightwood-Bane" household.

Another thing to add to the never-ending things that he couldn't remember: Magnus and Alec had gotten married. He was sure that it had been the wedding of the year, maybe he could convince Magnus to show him the wedding photos and that could help him remember that chunk of his life.  
  
Simon would really like to remember that event.  
  
And now here he was, in Magnus' kitchen, drinking mimosas while the girls were playing in Madzie's room. Magnus was telling one of his eccentric stories, Alec was cooking something that Simon still couldn’t identify and next to him was Raphael. Laughing. He’d never seen Raphael smile so freely, let alone laughing and here he was, doing both. It all felt so surreal.  
  
They all looked so happy. As far as he could remember, Alec was still burdened with the pressure of being the head of the New York Institute. Magnus had this spark he didn't have before and Raphael, well, it was like he was seeing a new person. Someone that looks like Raphael but wasn't him; Simon couldn't explain it. Point was they all looked different and Simon wondered if this was the combination of living in a world without Valentine and with a family.   
  
Simon didn't know if Valentine ever existed here, but he wished that it was like that.  
  
"–don't you agree, Simon?"  
  
That was what made him come back from his thoughts. Magnus was looking at him expectantly.  
  
"I'm sorry. What?"  
  
"You seemed distracted. Something on your mind?" Magnus inquired, placing his glass of wine on the counter.  
  
Simon opened his mouth, ready to say what was on his mind, but thought better of it. They would think that he was losing his mind and that was the last thing he wanted; they all looked so happy, no concerns whatsoever, and Simon didn't want to spoil that happiness with his own concerns. He was certain that at some point those memories would come back to him, he just needed to be patient.   
  
"No," Simon replied at last, "I'm fine."  
  
Next to him, Raphael was looking at him with a furrowed brow. Worried, probably.   
  
"I'm going to check the girls," Alec announced, disposing his oven mitt next to the stove. That was a first: Alec Lightwood wearing oven mitts. "See if they are not destroying the room."  
  
 "Let me go with you," Raphael said, standing up.  
  
They both left the kitchen while talking about something related to the downworld, things that they had to discuss since they held positions of power within their world. Simon would lie if he said he didn't find that a little attractive but that took second place when seeing that picture. Raphael and Alec never had a good relationship; if they ever spoke to each other, was because something was going down. Some disaster that forced them exchange words but now, here in this kitchen, they got along and Simon really started to wonder if it was always like that or just because Madzie and Rose were friends.  
  
"Magnus," Simon started, catching the warlock's attention. "Can I ask you a question? And I know it will sound weird but... Can I?"  
  
Magnus looked at him funny, maybe preparing himself for whatever Simon wanted to ask.  
  
"Was it always like that?" he asked. Magnus frowned, undoubtedly confused with the question. "Raphael and Alec. Was it always like that? You know, them being... Amicable."  
  
"Well, you know, when your daughter finds a best friend for life is kind of difficult for the parents not to find a common ground." He paused here, going to check on whatever Alec had been doing. When he turned back, he continued, "but to answer your question, no. I mean, you know that. Raphael always believed that Alexander would break up with me at some point."  
  
Simon nodded but didn't add much to the issue, mostly because of the obvious: he didn't remember.  
  
"But, children..." Magnus shook his head and chuckled for a second, "I firmly believe that they change people and once Madzie and Rose started being friends, I think both Alexander and Raphael saw that there was no point on continuing to be rude at each other."  
  
Simon nodded. That sounded logical. He knew about the ongoing beef between shadowhunters and downworlders, that there had been many attempts to put an end to that fight, but they had never succeeded it but now it seemed, at least between them, that two little girls could really change that. The fact that Alec had a mini warlock as a daughter was big enough.  
  
And maybe... Simon wasn't ready to say that this was his life for the simple fact that he couldn't remember much about it but he would be lying if he said that he 

didn't want to. Be part of this life, be part of this little family that somehow, he found. Simon really wanted that, and he prayed to all entities that he could start remembering.  
  
  


∞

 

  
  
On their way back to the hotel, Rose was talking about all the new tricks Madzie could do, like dying someone's hair for a short time. That was how Rose had ended up with purple hair.  
  
Raphael was smiling with her but Simon knew that was a facade; he was probably screaming inside because of the over the top hair color. Simon found it amusing and was trying with his whole being not to laugh about it. It was just a color that would disappear eventually, so no harm no foul.  
  
"I know that face," Raphael whispered, bumping his shoulder with Simon's. "Quit laughing."

"I am not!" Simon replied, affronted but the smile that was threatening to escape wasn't helping.  
  
Raphael narrowed his eyes, trying to be menacing but at this point in time Simon couldn't be scared. In fact, he found it adorable.  
  
"It's just a color, it'd be gone in a few days. Relax."  
  
"Yeah, you say that now but next thing you know, she'll show up with electric blue in her hair and who's going to stop her?"   
  
Simon laughed but couldn't disagree. Those doe eyes of her could convince anyone.  
  
They both were looking at Rose who was a few feet away from them, so knowing she nearby, Simon took the opportunity to grab Raphael by the hand, getting his full attention.  
  
"Listen," he started, "I get what you told me earlier and I just want you to know that I’m with you the whole way. I'm... Maybe I'm having one of those weird days, I don't know but I won't disappoint you." He meant it, of course he did. It had been some weird days lately but that didn't mean that he would leave Raphael like that. "She's my daughter too."  
  
That softest smile from the first day came back and Simon would dare to say that he was falling.  
  
Raphael placed his hand on Simon's cheek and moved forward. His touch was warm, even though their bodies were cold.  
  
"Yeah, I know," Raphael said.  
  
And it seemed like that was enough. Raphael believed him and Simon wouldn't let him down. Not again.  
  
"Come on, let's go home." Raphael grabbed him by his hand and called Rose over.  
  
Home. He liked the sound of that.  
  
"Papa, do you think we can have a movie night?" Rose asked Raphael and then turned to look at him. "It's been ages."  
  
Raphael snorted. "We had one last weekend."  
  
"Yeah, but..." she trailed off, shrugging, "it's been 7 days. That's long."  
  
She looked up at him again and Simon wasn’t strong enough. He had come to learn that Rose was one of his weaknesses.  
  
"I mean, she's got a point."  
  
Raphael narrowed his eyes but immediately after, he sighed in defeat. "Fine but can't stay up too long, okay? Papa has meetings."  
  
Rose squealed, joyful of getting what she wanted. Simon couldn't believe his luck, this was really happening, it was real.  
  
"Daddy, are you coming too?" She asked, shaking his hand.  
  
Simon smiled at her. "Wouldn't miss it for the world." And the smile he got in return, well, that was something that would be imprinted in his brain forever.  
  
"I'll call Lily to let her know about our plans."  
  
And with that, they continued walking their way toward home.  
  
 

∞

 

  
  
The movie night was a complete success. They all came together to watch every single Disney movie that Magnus had ever introduced Rose to but by the time the third movie had started, she was out so they decided to call it a night and go to their rooms.  
  
Raphael told him to go ahead, that he would meet him in his room in a moment because he had to sort something out before.  
  
Simon didn't think too much about it so he left.  
  
Standing in the hallway, he didn't remember them being this dark. He couldn't see much, even with his powers. It was dimly lit, and halfway to the bedroom, the lights stopped working so after five lights, the hallway was pitch dark.  
  
Simon was a creature of the night and that still terrified him.  
  
When he finally reached Raphael's door, that was when he felt it.  
  
Someone was looking at him.  
  
He turned, slowly, bracing himself if it was a vampire wanting to attack him but what he saw was a figure. A tall figure, standing there, where the light met the darkness.  
  
Simon couldn't see its face, but it was calling him. He could feel its pull, to come closer.  
  
He moved forward.  
  
One step.  
  
Two more.  
  
"Simon."  
  
Raphael's voice, calling him. When he turned, Raphael looked confused.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Nothing," he said, smiling. "I'm fine."  
  
Raphael nodded once, not quite convinced but wouldn't push and went inside his room.  
  
When Simon turned back, the figure was gone and that pull he was feeling was gone too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THE PLOT THICKENS
> 
> So, for the following chapters, be careful when you are reading because it's gonna get more confusing (even for me ngl). I tried my best to make it less confusing. Let's see how that turns out.
> 
> For the beautiful people leaving comments, thank you ❤️


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOLKS! *claps once*
> 
> This story has 43 kudos! which is the lowest I've gotten in a story, not gonna lie, BUT that doesn't mean I will stop writing it. NOT AT ALL. I still think this story is very unique, if I say so myself.
> 
> SO, FOLKS! *claps one more time*
> 
> This chapter... Listen, this chapter is where the Fun begins. If you liked the fluff in the latest chapters, well, soak on those because fluff is over :) the last 4 chapters were to get you ready because from now on is just Pain :) get ready.
> 
> Remember when I say that you will get confused while reading this? This chapter and the next ones to come is what I meant.
> 
> FOLKS! *claps one last time* ENJOY!

_"We are losing him, Magnus."_

_That sounded like Clary, he was sure of that. She sounded distressed and he had a feeling that she was talking about him. But it couldn’t be, he was fine. No one was losing him._

_But he couldn't see her, in fact he couldn't see_ anything. _Everything was pitch black, but he could hear everything, like she was close to him._

_"We have to do something," she said._

_"I'm doing my best, Clary." That was Magnus. He sounded tired._

_Simon wanted to reassure them that he was fine, more than fine but he couldn't move, he couldn't talk. He could only hear._

_Somehow, the conversation escalated. The conversation got tense and the voices rose, borderline fighting. In the midst of it all, he could discern Alec’s voice and Simon wondered why he sounded stressed too if they had never really been friends, not even acquaintances._

_Suddenly, he felt someone grabbing his hand. It felt cold._

_"You have to come back." That was Raphael. His voice was a whisper._

_He was right there, he wanted to say. He was there, he wasn't going anywhere._

_"Come back to me, Simon. Please. You have to come back. You have to_ – _"_

 

Simon woke up, gasping again. 

He was back in Raphael's room, in the dark. Next to him, Raphael was fast asleep.

Everything was good, it was fine.

It was just a dream.

 

∞

 

 

"So, I've been thinking," Lily started saying, while braiding Rose's hair. Her purple hair was still as shocking as the night before

They were lounging in Rose's room. Raphael had a downworlder meeting with Magnus, so he couldn't stay with them but it was fine. They could find something fun to do in the meantime. And besides, it was time for Simon to start spending quality time with his daughter.

"What do you think about training?"

He looked at her in surprise, even though she couldn't see him. 

"Training?" He asked, "Don't you know? I'm a disaster. Raphael tried once and he just gave up."

She snorted, finishing up the braid, and turned around. "He didn't give up. You just didn't try hard enough."

“Fallacies. And in my defense, I was recently turned, remember?” He lowered his voice. Those were the days when he first moved in at the hotel and he’d started a new life, with new people. New everything. “I didn’t know what was happening to me.”

Lily smiled in sympathy, like she knew what he was talking about because everyone knew what it was like to be turned and to start a brand-new life. When she was done with the braid, she fully turned to look at Simon.  
  
"Come on. It'll be fun and I bet you are rusty," she said, but Simon wasn’t naïve. He knew that she was mocking him.  
  
"It offends me that you say that. I'm a fully turned vampire who knows about his skills and capabilities, and I can guarantee you that "rusty" is not in my vocabulary, so yeah I'm– " Lily raised her eyebrows in disbelief, not buying that word-vomit he’d just had, which was accurate because ever since he had left the hotel, well, training wasn't in his vocabulary. It was all bullshit.   
  
"I don't know how you can walk this earth telling such lies."  
  
"With my head high and shoulders back," he shot back with that same air of confidence he had seen Raphael use whenever he was dealing with downworlders and shadowhunters alike. It was something else.  
  
Lily huffed and rolled her eyes, but she was smiling, so no hard feelings.  
  
"Auntie, I want to train too. Can I?" Rose asked from her side of the bed.  
  
"Well, what has your father said? Did he give you his yes so you can join me?"  
  
She shrugged. "Not really but I can ask him."  
  
Lily raised one of her eyebrows, almost like she was scolding her. "You know he doesn't like it when we interrupt one of his meetings. Let’s just wait until he comes back."  
  
Simon frowned but didn't want to meddle. Was Rose ready for vampire training? Did Raphael even want that?  
  
"But daddy is here! He can train me." Her gaze turned to him. "You can do it, right?"  
  
Well, that was an awful idea if he’d ever heard one.  
  
"I don't... I think Lily is right. It's better if we just wait for Raphael. I mean, why would you want to train with me when you have the clan leader to do it?"  
  
She frowned, combined with a pout and wasn't the most adorable sight he'd ever seen?  
  
"Because you are my dad too and I want to train with you."  
  
And okay, physically, he was 20 years old and he had never thought about having a child this early but hearing her call him that? It was like everything else stopped being important, like she was everything he had ever dreamed of. Simon couldn't remember a thing about her before he woke up the first time, but he loved her anyways.  
  
"I know, sweetheart but trust me, it's better if we wait so you can train with Raphael, okay?"

Simon knew she didn’t like the idea but that was as far as she was going to get. He was awful at being a vampire, he didn’t want that for her.

“So, are we going?” Lily asked, after a moment went by.

He rolled his eyes and huffed. “Fine. But I’m going to complain the whole time.”

And it seemed that Lily didn’t care because she grinned and clapped once saying, “Excellent.”

He still believed it was an awful idea.

  


∞

 

 

So, he might have overestimated his skills because not even 10 minutes into training, he was down three times, his head bouncing when touching the mat. Looking up, Lily had this smug smile and Rose was giggling away.  
  
"Rose, which side are you on?"  
  
She giggled again. "You are so bad, daddy."  
  
He huffed but he wasn’t strong enough to lie to her. Simon was bad but he would power though and survive.  
  
"I remember you were bad, but this is another level of useless, Simon." Lily stretched her arm out for him to take and stand up. "What were you doing this whole time?"  
  
"Oh, you know..." Simon shrugged, thinking for some other lie to tell that was actually convincing, "not training enough?"  
  
"I bet," she replied, "you were down so fast, I'm actually impressed."  
  
He narrowed his eyes. He should be offended but the truth was that he didn't care enough about perfecting his vampire skills, so now he was almost like dead weight. In his defense, he was trying to understand this new nature of his, so much that practicing was the last of his concerns. Unfortunately, he couldn't say that because it appeared that he had been living with them for several years and saying that would make him look weirder than before.  
  
"We should schedule a few sessions and I might call it decent."  
  
 Simon rolled his eyes but let her be smug about it. Again, he was shit at being a vampire, it was the truth.  
  
"She's right, you are bad at this, Simon."  
  
At the familiar voice, Simon turned around to see Raphael leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed, amused smile on.    
  
"What? You want to take over?" Simon shot back with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Raphael stared for a second and then shrugged, beginning to unbutton his dress jacket, showing his black dress shirt which was... It was tight.  
  
Simon swallowed. This wasn't the first time that he had seen Raphael like that, so why he was nervous all of the sudden?   
  
"Papa, can I see? I want to practice too," Rose said but neither of them turned to look at her. They were under their own spell.  
  
"I don't think so, sweetheart," Lily replied for them and it was a good thing because Simon only had eyes for Raphael.  
  
He heard Lily leaving with Rose while she was asking why they were leaving. Good thing that Lily could read situations.

“Why,” he croaked out and then cleared his throat, feeling embarrassed, “what are you doing here? I thought you had a meeting. Busy with… Stuff.”

Raphael shrugged. “I wanted to be home early.” Walking towards Simon, stopping just a few inches away, Raphael crossed his arms and looked at him expectantly. “Show me what you got. I want to see if Lily is right.”

Simon forced himself to keep his gaze on Raphael’s face. Simon wasn’t blind; he knew Raphael was quite the _specimen_ but unlike Lily, he couldn’t read situations and while they had shared a bed multiple times, that didn’t mean shit. So, he swallowed his thirst and pulled himself together. Kept himself in order. Even when having him so close made him felt all kinds of ways.

Feigning nonchalance, Simon shrugged. “Lily just can’t accept that I’m rusty. That’s it. But I’m good.”

Raphael hummed but, unsurprisingly, he didn’t trust Simon. _No biggie._ Simon could show him. Lies kept piling up but he would survive with his lies intact.

Taking advantage of the fact that Raphael was this close, it would be easier for Simon to take him by surprise and be smug about it all day.

So, that was what he did. Simon held Raphael by the arm, ready to pull him down.

What he didn’t count on was Raphael being faster than him and doing the same thing but actually taking him down, his face pressed against the mat.

And that happened several times.

His face was hurting, and he was also a little embarrassed. Simon didn’t have any recollection that he was _that_ bad, but he could admit that Lily was right: he was a disaster.

“We may need to put some effort into this. Make you decent,” Raphael said, standing, and looked down on him. Simon was still lying on the mat reconsidering his life choices.

“Maybe I can be the vampire who stays behind. I wouldn’t mind.”

“Every vampire in this hotel knows how to defend themselves. You won’t be the exception, Simon.” Raphael sat down next to him, pulling his legs to his chest. “Not even when you are my boyfriend. Get it together.”

Simon snorted but couldn’t fight against that butterfly feeling in his stomach. _Boyfriend._ “I thought I had some benefits.”

“Yeah, not training is not one of them.”

Raphael looked at him with a raised eyebrow, probably expecting Simon to fight him on that but his face hurt too much to keep the banter going. He knew when to pick his battles.

After a moment of silence, Raphael spoke up. “But I guess this should be my fault.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t spend enough time with you training when you first came to live here. As a leader, I should have invested more time with you since you were the new one.” He shook his head, like he was disappointed. “Then the whole Camille thing happened, and I kicked you out.”

“But I came back.”

“True. And after that, Rose came and we’ve been so busy that doing this ,” He waved his hands around the gym,” training, it’s been so difficult. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, no. None of that.” Simon sat up, taking hold of Raphael’s hand in the process. “I’m not holding my lack of vampireness against you. I should be the one to apologize. I screwed up so many times, it’s a wonder I’m not dead _dead_ and that’s thanks to you. You are the best leader and I took you for granted. I’m sorry.”

Raphael bit his lips and his gaze lowered down. If they could blush, Simon bet that was what Raphael would be doing right there.

“When did you became so good at talking?”

“I did have practice with that,” he said and that was what made Raphael laugh. A glorious sound, if Simon was being honest. “We can train now. We have all the time in the world. I’m not planning on leaving.”

“You won’t?”

Simon shook his head, bringing Raphael’s hand, still on his own hand, to his lips and kissing the back of it softly, just a brush of his lips. “I would be crazy if I ever thought of leaving.”

Raphael looked at him like he was searching for something, maybe trying to see if Simon was just saying that in the heat of the moment but he wouldn’t find anything because Simon was here to stay and he would spend any waking moment proving that to Raphael.

When he was convinced that what he was saying was true, Raphael nodded. “Okay, then.”

“With that out of the way, _boyfriend_ ,” Simon said, and he had to fight really hard against his body to not giggle, “are we going to keep training.?”

“More like you getting acquainted with the training mat but yeah,” Raphael shot back, smirking, mirth in his eyes with something else. Happiness.

Feeling bold out of the sudden, he leaned forward and connected his lips with Raphael’s in a tender kiss, just a barely-there touch of their lips that still managed to make him feel alive, make his body alight with just a kiss. Best first kiss if he said so himself.

Pulling apart, he took a moment to really look at Raphael. His hair that looked impossibly soft to the touch; his eyes, black but still expressive and which Simon wouldn’t mind getting lost in; his lips, to which Simon could easily get addicted. Raphael’s face was the definition of perfection, at least in his book.

“If we do this, we might never train,” Raphael whispered.

Simon shrugged, not really caring. “I won’t mind if you don’t.”

But it seems that Raphael was the only one with self-restraint, so they stood up ready to begin their new exercise routine.

And if between rounds, they shared a few kisses and giggled like children, well, there was nothing to stop them.   


∞

 

_“I know you can hear me, Simon. Please, please, come back to me. I… God, I want you back. I need you back, Simon.”_

_“Please, wake up.”_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now we are all on the same page ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY GUYS!
> 
> I'M BACK WITH A NEW CHAPTER.
> 
> Just a word: OOF
> 
> Let me just say that with this chapter, things change completely. From here on out, you guys will read almost everyone's piece of mind. Plot will change, POVs will change, fluff is over, angst is taking over and what's left for the next chapters is just tears and pain :) I'm warning you and I'm also getting ready for the hate BUT IT'S ALL FOR THE PLOT, I SWEAR.
> 
> In this chapter, near the end, you'll see a line right in the middle, that means the pov changed, so keep an eye on that so you don't get confused.
> 
> NOW, LET IT BE ANGST.
> 
> ENJOY! :)

In the blink of an eye, a month went by.

Simon couldn’t believe it.

He was so sure that his new-found happiness would end as fast as he he’d found it— that he would wake up one day and would be back at that garage that he’d spent his nights in when he left the hotel the first time— but instead he was lying in bed with Raphael or being woken up by Rose.

Rose, the daughter he’d never thought he would get but it seemed the universe was giving him the chance to enjoy this opportunity.

He had a family of his own.

Sometimes, when he was alone, he would think that it would be fantastic, amazing even, to have his mom and Becca here with him, to tell Rose that she had a grandmother and that he was sure she would have loved her back, just like Simon.

But they were all vampires and that was a risk he wasn’t going to take.

He kept having those weird dreams, the ones where he could hear Clary, Alec, Magnus and Raphael, could feel them even but couldn’t see them and all of them were the same: pleading for Simon to wake up. They were desperate and Simon really wanted to appease their worries, but he didn’t know what was going on and he had enough with this life that he was trying to understand to also try to understand his weird dreams, so he stopped trying to find an explanation.

In the end what mattered was that he was back to the clan and to Raphael, who against all odds, loved him in return and because this time the universe was smiling back at him, he got to love the most adorable kid and call her his daughter. It was like a dream come true

It was fine. It was perfect.

 

∞

 

 

“I have a proposition for you,” Alec said, looking intently at him.

Simon braced himself for another “train with your local shadowhunter” day.

Being friends with a shadowhunter (Clary didn’t count, he knew her before all of this), was an _experience_ , to say the least. Simon never thought they would get to be friends in the first place, so it was weird to him, especially because when they’d first met Alec had been a stuck up and repressed man. That, of course, changed over these past few months and for the time being, Simon would gladly say that he appreciated Alec’s friendship.

“I hope this doesn’t involve training,” he replied, “don’t ruin the experience for me.”

Because that amazing moment he had with Raphael in the gym shouldn’t be tainted by another kind of training. The official kind. Somewhere in the last month, he had told Alec about it. Having someone else to confide felt amazing.

Behind them, Rose and Madzie were running around the living room while Madzie was throwing blue sparks left and right, giggling.

“Aren’t you worried that she’s going to turn one of Magnus’ paintings into clowns or something?”

“He put a spell so Madzie’s magic can’t turn anything into… A clown.” At the last word, he furrowed his brow but didn’t comment on it. “Anyways, my proposition. Madzie wants to start doing ballet but she doesn’t want to go unless Rose goes with her.”

“Well, what does Raphael say?”

“Magnus is probably asking him right now,” he replied.

"Asking him? They are together?"  
  
Alec nodded. "Didn’t he tell you? Magnus invited himself to that retreat Raphael 

had."  
  
He hummed. Well, that was good. Raphael had told him two nights before that there was this spa he wanted to try- a shock because he didn't know Raphael was into that- and Simon was fine with the idea. He deserved it, anyways and that would give him the chance to spend time with Rose.  
  
But he didn't count on Rose having more of a social life than him.  
  
"Well, they both deserve it," Simon said at last.  
  
And it was true. He didn't appreciate it before but Raphael, as the clan leader, had a lot of responsibilities and Magnus as the High Warlock of Brooklyn, well, that was a tough job.  
  
"Shouldn't you be at the Institute doing your shadowhunter thing?"  
  
Alec snorted. "First of all, I don't do "shadowhunter things." Second," he shrugged, "I took the day off so I can watch over Madzie and Magnus can have the day to himself."  
  
And while Raphael and Magnus were enjoying their day off, Simon was in the Lightwood-Bane household for another playdate; the girls were running around and Alec was baking cookies, of all things. The domesticity of it all was surreal. Simon still couldn't wrap his head around it but it was true, this was his life now and if he was being honest, he wouldn't trade it. He was happy.  
  
"So, what do you say?" Alec asked, pulling the tray of cookies out of the oven. Half of them were filled with blood, which sounded disgusting but that was also his life now.  
  
"I guess? I mean, as long as it doesn't cause problems, I'm good with that."  
  
"Don't worry. This is an academy only for downworlders. She'll be fine and will be taken care of," Alec reassured him.

 _Would you look at that_. A ballet academy just for downworlders, so they can feel safe and if Rose wanted blood, she wouldn't have to worry about people looking at her weird. Another safe haven for her. How could Simon say no? It was what she deserved, so he nodded.

"Hey, Rose!" Alec said, looking over the girls. Immediately, they stopped to looked at him. "Your dad said yes to ballet."  
  
 

The huge grin and scream of delight Rose gave him was all worth it.

  
∞

 

  
  
"Papa told me that if I can hold my urges, I can go back to school," Rose said conversationally.  
  
Simon held back the groan because once again, he didn't know his daughter was studying but also, it wasn't surprising. The fact that Raphael couldn't finish high school didn't mean their daughter wouldn't, so he probably did everything in his power to make that possible.  
  
"Are you getting hungry lately?"  
  
She shrugged, not looking up. "I guess. I don't know. I told Papa that I get hungry sometimes, but he told me that that's normal because I'm young but... No one gets hungry like me." She stopped for a second and pursed her lips. "My friends, they eat normal food and I just have blood."  
  
He sighed; he didn't think he would have to talk about this with her. It wouldn't be easy to tell his daughter that she was different.   
  
"Even Madzie says that I just drink blood. Normal food makes my tummy hurt," she added, this time looking up at him."  
  
"Did you eat normal food?" he asked, frowning. When she didn't reply, he crouched in front of her to really look at her. "Sweetheart, have you been eating normal food?"  
  
"Sometimes."  
  
"Rose, you know you can't do that."  
  
"I know! But- but- it looks so delicious and I..." Her chin wobbled a little, the signs that she would start crying any minute now, "I wanted to try."  
  
"I know, baby, but you can't," Simon reply while shaking his head, "it's not good for us. If you know it has blood in it, you can eat it. If it doesn't-"  
  
"I can't eat it. I know."  
  
 

He smiled a little; it was such a Raphael thing to be this stubborn, he would know.  
  
"Are you going to tell Papa?" He shook his head. "Promise?"  
  
"Pinky promise," he said instead, raising his pinky finger and hooking it with hers. She chuckled and with that, any signs that she would cry, disappeared. He stood up and continued their walk to the hotel.  
  
He wondered if her school was the same as the academy. It should be; he didn't think Raphael would send her to a normal school. Simon hoped it wasn't the case.  
  
"Can I get my hair colored? Bubblegum pink."  
  
"Don't push it," Simon warned her, "you know Papa wouldn't like that."  
  
She shrugged. "I'll ask him when the day comes."  
  
This time, he snorted. Rose was way too intelligent for own good.

But he loved her like that.

  
  
∞

 

  
  
When everything was said and done, after Rose was finally tucked in her bed, Simon and Raphael were getting ready for bed.  
  
To say that the domesticity of it wasn't affecting Simon would be a lie. He never thought he would have this, that he would be happy and really feel like that. At some point in time, he’d thought that he would end up pining for Clary until enough was enough but now he could confidently say that Clary was only a friend, that his heart belonged to Raphael and his daughter.  
  
_God_ , his daughter. He knew that it was only a couple of weeks since he’d met her but it felt like it had been years since then.  
  
“Rose told me something interesting,” Raphael said, conversationally.  
  
 Simon hummed, prompting Raphael to continue. He pushed the covers of the bed down and sat there.  
  
“Yeah, that she talked to you about her urges.”  
  
He shrugged. “That’s good, right? I want her to know that she can talk to me about everything and anything.”  
  
When he didn’t have a reply, Simon looked up to Raphael, who was already looking at him. There was _something_ in his eyes, Simon knew what it was, but he didn’t dare to even think about it. He wasn’t going to risk it in case he was wrong.  
  
“Don’t get me wrong, that is good. I’m just... I’m worried. Maybe sending her to school wasn’t such a good idea if she can’t control herself.” Raphael sat down too, leaning over the headboard and bringing the sheets with him.  
  
“At least it’s not urges for blood from the source, which is good. We just have to teach her, you know, mundane food is bad, and she shouldn’t eat it.”  
  
Raphael nodded. “Yeah. She’s young; she will learn.” He remained silent while Simon was fussing over the covers and the pillows; he would get a good night/morning sleep. “Did you know she wants to dye her hair bubblegum pink?”  
  
Simon snorted and immediately after, he covered his mouth but it was too late, Raphael noticed.  
  
“You knew!”  
  
He opened and closed his mouth, resembling a fish out of water, trying to find the best excuse. “Well, she trusted me.”  
  
“Simon!”  
  
“What? I’m sure it’s not that bad– Don’t look at me like that, it’s not that bad.” When Raphael kept glaring at him and Simon couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped his mouth, he brought Raphael closer. “Relax, the electric blue was off after a few days, this will be the same.”  
  
“She has you wrapped around her finger,” Raphael grumbled.  
  
“I won’t lie to you, it’s true.”  
  
Raphael rolled his eyes but snuggled closer, a dead giveaway that he wasn’t 

angry about it.  
  
“The clan is already at her feet and now you.” He shook his head. “We are doomed.”  
  
This time, Simon laughed but didn’t say anything because what was the point?  
  
He loved everything about this.

 

  
/_____________________________/

 

 

  
Not ever, not once a million years did he think this would happen. He strove to be a good leader, to be a role model, to be someone that he was proud to be. Help his fellow vampires in need.  
  
Simon needed a place to stay, to get comfortable with his new life, he needed people that understood him. That was the sole reason to have a clan, so they could guide the new members since they were prone to screws-up. But instead of being patient with him when the whole Camille debacle happened, Raphael had decided that it was better to just kick Simon out. He still regretted that decision.

And since he didn’t have anyone to keep an eye on him, this had happened. Simon had needed him and Raphael had come too late.  
  
He shook his head, willing himself not to cry again for the 10th time that day. It was all too much.  
  
“Hey,” Magnus called behind him, “how is he?”  
  
Raphael looked over where Simon was lying, his eyes moving while closed, a clear sign that he was dreaming.  
  
“He’s still the same,” he replied.  
  
Two weeks ever since he was attacked by a warlock while trying to escape with Clary; the warlock was supposed to attack Clary but he missed and Simon got the spell instead that put him in a sort of coma.  
  
 Two weeks.  
  
He shook his head again. Simon was supposed to be living with the clan, safe, not getting attacked by warlocks.  
  
After that, it was all a blur. He’d came to Magnus’ loft, thinking that because he was his sire, he could wake him up but it was all in vain: Simon had been into deep and they were running out of options of how to wake him up.  
  
Magnus had found a way for Simon’s dreams to be reflected in a mirror, so they could see what he was seeing but not hear him. At least it was something.  
  
“We’re going to find a way,” Magnus reassured him, gripping his shoulder, “I promise.”  
  
He nodded but he didn’t have the strength to talk, he just hoped that Magnus was right.  
  
He just wanted to see Simon wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we doing? :) 
> 
> I love comments and making new friends. Don't be shy. I'm nice lol I


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOLKS! *claps once* CHAPTER 7!
> 
> I want to take a moment to thank everyone who's reading this story. It really means a lot to me. To the ghost readers, to the commentators, the ones that leave kudos (ergo their love), to the ones that even subscribed to this. THANK YOU! It warms my heart knowing you guys liked it enough to hit that subscribe button. You guys are the reason why I take so long to update, bothering my angel beta (she owns my heart and both my WIPs) to make these chapters good and take time to flesh out the plot. I want to give you guys quality in my stories as a thank you.
> 
> With that being said, in this chapter you guys can see more about the other characters, how they are holding up and their frustrations, starting with Magnus because I couldn't miss an opportunity to write about him. This a glance to the real world while Simon is blissfully unaware of all of this 
> 
> But enough of my ramblings, let's get down to business. You guys are so gonna hate me for the ending of this chapter lol and I won't even blame you.
> 
> POV changes right in the middle, keep that in mind so you don't get confused.
> 
> ENJOY, MY DUDES!

As someone who never had to wait for things to happen because he could just do it with a snap of his fingers, this waiting was killing him. He wasn’t sure which one was killing him the most: looking at Simon slipping away or watching a helpless Raphael waiting for something to happen.

It killed him to know that his hands were tied; it killed him that that this was breaking Raphael every second of everyday and it had come to this: Magnus half hiding behind a wall that connected to the living room, watching everything unfold from afar because he knew Raphael wouldn’t accept his comfort but would accept his support reluctantly.  

“How is he? Any changes?” Alexander asked, coming up next to him, sneaking a hand around his waist.

Magnus shook his head. That was the worst part: nothing was happening besides what they were looking at in the mirror.

He kept looking at Raphael, his shoulders slumped, and his eyes fixed on the mirror. In it, Simon was laughing with this kid and the Raphael from his dreams. He looked utterly happy; Magnus didn't dare to say it but if Simon continued on 

like this it would be difficult to wake him up.  
  
"We are running out of time."  
  
"I know," Magnus said, "I know but I don't know what to do and if he..." he trailed off. He couldn't say that they would lose Simon for good, not when Raphael was so close and could hear him. He couldn't fathom the idea, but it was a possibility that they would have to face soon.  
  
Alexander nodded in understanding, bless his soul because Magnus couldn’t dare to say it.  
  
"This can't go on like this," Alexander said.  
  
Turning his head to the side, he looked at Alexander. "What are you saying?"  
  
"There has to be a way to wake him up. He's still alive, right? That means there's a way to turn this spell around."  
  
Alexander might be onto something, not for nothing he was the head of the New York Institute, but before he could utter another word, Raphael beat him to it.  
  
"Don't you think that if we knew a way, we would have done it?" Raphael asked, raising his voice, still looking at Simon.  
  
"Maybe we are not thinking this through," Alexander replied, looking at Magnus one last time before leaving their hiding place.

"Well, enlighten me then," Raphael snapped, turning to see Alexander, "tell me your greatest idea, shadowhunter."  
  
"Raphael–"  
  
"No," Raphael cut him off, redirecting his glare at Magnus, "I want him, a shadowhunter, to tell me how to save a vampire because clearly I, another vampire, can't come up with something good enough to save my own kind."  
  
"I know you are angry, Raphael," Magnus tried to appease him, keeping his voice even, "but we're trying to help you. Help Simon."  
  
Raphael scoffed. "This wouldn't have happened if you–” He pointed a finger at Alec, “–had taken care of the shadowworld like you're always preaching you do. All shadowhunters are fucking liars."  
  
"Don't blame me for Simon's stupidity," Alexander snapped back, his voice taking that authoritative, head of the institute tone.  
  
This was getting ugly real fast.  
  
"Well, then. I should blame Fairchild's stupidity."  
  
"She was trying to save the shadowworld, like we are always _preaching_."  
  
Now they were standing close to each other, minutes away from this turning into a fist fight and Magnus wasn't having it.  
  
"Enough," Magnus said, but no one seemed to listen, instead they kept on with the scathing remarks.

“Shadowhunters never cared for the shadowworld, just their own kind,” Raphael said, his jaw tightening. “But are useless enough not to keep an eye on the crazy ones.”

“It takes one to know one. You can’t even keep your vampires at bay without one biting a mundane and ruining their lives. Don’t be a hypocrite.”

Raphael hissed, flashing his fangs and immediately after, Alec was reaching for his blade, ready to attack if Raphael ever made a move to attack first. This would turn into a bloodbath any minute now and they didn’t have _time for that._

"Enough, I said!" Magnus almost yelled and he was ready to strike at anyone if they even _dared_ to turn his house into a warzone. “Stop this fighting _now_!”

Reluctantly, Alexander move his hand back from his blade and while Raphael wasn’t hissing at Alexander, he still looked ready to attack, his shoulders tense and his hands formed in a fist. Raphael side glanced at Magnus.

"This temper tantrum is not going to solve anything, so whatever grudges you have I need you to solve them.” Magnus looked at them dead in the eye. "Now."

Magnus wasn't delusional. He knew these old scars between shadowhunters and downworlders wouldn't be healed just because he asked them to nor because of Simon but Magnus wanted to believe that at least they would be amicable with each other. Both of them were important to Magnus and he would hate for them to keep the hate between them going.

At least they looked ashamed for their childish act.

"We're running out of time and the last thing we need, Simon needs, is for us to start fighting." Magnus took a deep breath, taking a moment to think about what 

to say next. He was out of ideas, if he was being honest. The spell was blocking him from lifting it. He sat down. "We need ideas, not fights."

"I can go into his dreams again," Alexander offered, after a beat of silence.

Magnus shook his head. "We already tried that; it's not working." It didn’t help that the only thing Simon could see was a black form/shadow and didn’t want to get close.

"I should go instead," Raphael said.

"No, that's a risk I won't take."

"Magnus, it's the only way-"

"I said no!" Magnus snapped this time, looking up at Raphael. Even thinking of the possibility of letting him, and that Raphael would get lost in there, would send Magnus into a panic frenzy. "You could get lost in there, you could love that dream and I won't lose you."

"So, it's easier to send your shadowhunter?"

He refrained to roll his eyes; very lovely from Raphael to pull that card. "He doesn't have the same bond that you have with Simon. You, on the other hand, can get lost and even want to stay. I won't risk it."

The front door opened and then Clary came barreling in, her face pinched in worry. He looked at Raphael, whose face not showing anything, but Magnus knew better. Raphael was angry at the red-head and while he would never say it, Magnus could understand why. The situation didn't look good for Clary.

"How is he?" she asked.

"Same. No thanks to you," Raphael bit back, standing up slowly. "Thanks for coming."

"I have every right to be here," Clary replied, squaring up her shoulders, like she was getting ready for a fight. "He's my best friend."

"Yeah and look how that turned out."

Before Clary could even utter a word, Magnus placed himself between them, It wasn't lost to him how he was between Raphael and Clary and Alexander. Between Shadowhunters and Downworlders. The irony.

"Are we doing this? Right now? Simon is slipping from this world and all of you decided to fight?" Magnus demanded; he didn't need an answer. This was all pointless. He could understand that the panorama wasn’t the best but it all seemed that they were using this situation to bring old grunges into the mix.

Clary sat down, far from Raphael, probably to avoid another altercation.

"I'm well aware that this is my fault. I should have told him no, that I should deal with that because taking the soul sword was my idea. He shouldn't have been there in the first place." She sighed, a beat of silence passed and then she looked up at Magnus, determination in her eyes. "Whatever you're planning, going into his dreams again, I should go. I should be the one risking my life since I’m the one who got him into this mess."

"That's truly noble of you, Clary, but no." Clary was ready to rebut his answer, so he elaborated. "You are emotionally unstable, and you also have a bond with Simon, something that could affect you while going in. I need someone who's stable enough not to let themselves be tricked by the spell that Simon is under. Someone that doesn't have a bond with him, ergo Alexander. I can't go because someone has to be here to bring them back."

If it depended on him, he wouldn’t risk anyone. Magnus would go into the dream and drag Simon out if he had to; their bond wasn’t that strong, he could do it but he had to stay there and try to lessen the spell someway, somehow.

Magnus sat down heavily on the loveseat. The living room was kind of a mess since Raphael was spending every waking moment looking out for Simon while Simon occupied the large sofa and the mirror was propped up next to him. The remaining seats were for them to keep staring at that damn mirror and hope for the best. It like they were forced to watch a movie no one wanted to see but Simon. In it, Simon was talking to the Magnus from that dream; he truly looked happy and Magnus wondered for a minute if it was as good as it looked. Living in that dream. Everyone could see how happy he was, all of them were, and would it be fair to bring him back from that?

He shook his head. That wasn't an option; his only option was to bring Simon back and that was that. 

"We know that it worked before," Magnus said, bringing the conversation back, "Alexander had gone in and out of the dream easily, we just need something else to trigger Simon into waking up, while Alexander is there to convince him."

He was well aware that sending Alexander was a risk too; Magnus was afraid, _terrified_ even but they had talked, and Alexander agreed to do this, knowing that he was risking his life in the process. Magnus just hoped that this could work, that his idea wouldn't backfire on him.

"Shouldn't it be easier to just make a spell that could trigger him?" Alexander asked.

"My magic is blocked at the moment, thanks to the spell," Magnus replied, "I need someone in there to convince Simon that everything is a dream, destabilize the spell he's under. It has to be fast before my spell wears off."

"How long can it last?" Clary asked, with a furrowed brow.

"A few hours, at most. It can mess with someone's head if it lasts longer than 10 hours. The faster the better."

"Well," Alexander started, "how are we supposed to do this? I can't approach him, he has to come to me and every time that I’ve tried, someone is there to make him forget about it. How can I trigger him?"

That was the hard part. Every time that Alexander had contact with Simon, someone would show up and make him leave. It was getting difficult to have Simon alone. As for the trigger–

"A nightmare," Raphael said suddenly. "That can make someone wake up. The spell has to simulate a nightmare so Simon can wake up. If you can make him terrified of whatever he's seeing, that should work."

Magnus tilted his head to give it some consideration. It wasn't a bad idea per se; there were risks of course; that Simon wouldn't believe Alexander and that he would want to stay there, or that his spell wouldn't work, and Simon wouldn't wake up. But they were running out of time and this was as far as they would go.

So, he nodded at them.

"Let's get some rest. I’ll prepare the spell. We’ll wake him up.”

 

 

∞

 

 

Things couldn’t be better for Simon; his life was going so smoothly, he couldn’t believe it was happening. He was happy.

Rose started ballet with Madzie, which was the most adorable thing he’d ever seen: his daughter with a pink tutu. She begged Raphael for her bubblegum pink hair so she could match her tutu, but Raphael refused, saying that he didn’t want her to get used to that so young.

She stopped asking for it but Simon doubted that would be the end of her colorful choices.

Simon agreed to training twice a week with Lily and this other guy named Harry, a 100-year-old vampire that was known for training with the new vampires. Known for his patience too, which Simon was in need of.

It should have been Raphael, but they had learnt that it was a bad idea since they couldn’t focus on training. It was a shame, really, because Simon wanted to spend time with him, but he also understood the importance of him perfecting his skills, so he accepted it with mild complaints.

After not knowing where Clary was, she finally agreed to meet. Turned out, Clary was in Idris doing the same thing as him: training. Alec didn’t have time to do it and well, Clary was getting distracted with everything, so she had agreed to leave New York for a while and focus on getting better.

“So, what have you been doing since I was gone?” Clary asked. They were at the hotel.

He shrugged. “Nothing, really. Getting my ass kicked by another vampire. Being Rose’s personal cheerleader. It’s amazing,” he said, and she laughed. Simon missed that— not that spending time with his family was bad, not at all, Simon loved every second of it— but having his best friend with him, well, it was good.

“I can’t wait to see her dancing! Good thing I came early, right?” Clary said, with a smile. “I still remember when Raphael brought her in, you know? She was so small and terrified. He had to talk to Alec about the turning, that he had no other choice. You remember, right? Raphael had to turn her.”

And Simon was so close to telling her no when it hit him.

He remembered.

Simon remembered when Raphael came home, soaking wet because it had been raining all day and with a kid gripping his hand. Her neck had dried blood and her clothes were stained with it. She looked afraid, surrounded by strangers but something was off. Usually, he would hear their hearts pounding loudly when someone was terrified but, in this case, there was no sound. She was dead.

Raphael had asked him for forgiveness, he had said that he had no other choice because the alternative was leaving her to die since she was alone and her biological mom was laying in the floor, unconscious, the smell of alcohol oozing from every pore of her body while her kid was alone in the middle of the night. The kid was starving, so close to collapsing that Raphael didn’t think, he just bit her thinking that maybe that way she would live longer.

Both of them were terrified of this. Simon didn’t know how to take care of a child or if they were ready for that but for this kid— later they decided her name would be Rose— they would try their best to make her happy.

 _Fuck,_ he said to himself. He remembered, he finally remembered! Now he felt ridiculous for just forgetting about the most important event of his life. The day his daughter came into his life and change it for good.

He smiled.

“What?” Clary asked, mirroring his smile. “Did you get nostalgic?”

“Why of course. The most important day of my life. Of course I remember,” Simon replied, and it felt right to say that.

“Well, good,” Clary said, “Magnus told me you’ve been acting really off lately. This means everything is back to normal?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” And he really felt that way. Maybe now he could say that everything was good again. “So, how’s life in Idris?”

“Boring but it was good. Can’t go around there poking and stabbing things and call it a day.”

Simon snorted, not for nothing Clary was known for stabbing moments.

They kept chatting, Clary telling him about her days in Idris and Simon telling her about the latest things, like how he was back to training and Lily was kicking his ass big time, how Rose was thrilled with her ballet classes and that his daughter was more popular than him and had a better social life.

But the most glorious thing was that the memories kept coming back: the first time that Rose called him dad; the very first time Raphael told him that he loved him and that he was grateful to have him there with him; the first party they hosted for Rose and how Magnus went all out to make it special for her, the first time that Rose and Madzie met, and they got along like a house on fire. His memories went all the way back to when he had come back to the hotel and Raphael had told him that he was sorry and that he wanted Simon back.  
  
It was like he had been missing an important missing piece of the puzzle that was his brain and he had finally found it.   
  
He didn't feel lost anymore. He felt at home.   
  
So, when he went back to Raphael's room later that day, he let him know about it.  
  
 "You know, I was thinking... Well, no. I remembered when Rose called me dad."  He chuckled a little bit. "Can't believe I almost forgot about that."  
  
Raphael smiled fondly at him. "That was a special day. I think she spent the whole day, screaming it at the top of her lungs. It was killing me."  
  
Simon snorted but nodded. It was true, he remembered that part too. He could live without the screaming, though.

"Come on, let's get to bed. Tomorrow she will scream some more. Her recital is next week."  
  
"Really? That fast?" Simon asked, surprise in his tone. "I thought it was next month."  
  
"Yeah. That's the big one, this one is for the parents only." Raphael sat down and pulled the comforter with him. "I honestly don't know why they are doing two but Rose is happy, so I guess that's the whole point."  
  
Simon nodded in agreement; that was really the whole point.  
  
Rose was ten and she was busier than he’d been when he was her age. It was crazy; she was in ballet, school was getting closer, she was improving in her training lessons (she had Raphael for that) and on top of that, her playdates with Madzie, which weren't playdates anymore because they'd use that time to practice themselves.  
  
It was safe to say that Simon was proud and Raphael would cry every time that Rose made one of her moves, even when he wouldn't admit it.

They were happy, Simon would gladly admit, especially when he was there, sharing a bed with the man who was giving him unconditional love and support, with a daughter that Simon could proudly call his own too.

Pulling Raphael close to his chest and hugging him tight, he kissed his forehead, feeling Raphael getting relaxed against him.

“I love you, Simon Lewis,” Raphael mumbled, his voice laden with sleep.

Even though he’d gotten his memories back and their first time saying those words was a long time ago, it didn’t matter because for Simon it felt like the first time, like he had waited long enough to say it and it had been sitting on the tip of his tongue to just say it. It felt good when he said it. He wasn’t surprised that it felt true.

“I love you too, Raphael Santiago.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens some more and the angst is coming :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A glance into the real world.

_The worst part,_ Raphael thought, _is that nothing is real._

It wasn’t lost to him that Simon was truly happy in this dream he was living in and even more so that he was remembering things that never happened. The magicked mirror was so powerful that they could see those memories and wasn’t that _amazing_? In the worst way, of course.

Raphael was way past the point of being surprised and he only had space to feel like he had lost Simon. They had started off badly, when the whole Mortal Cup had happened but they had changed that when Simon had come to live with the clan, and while they weren’t that close, at least they were civil towards another. With the exception of a few times that the lines were blurred and he figured that that was why he was in the dream. Now, watching his doppelganger kissing Simon was another level of surprise; he still couldn’t wrap his head around that.

But that didn’t change the fact that Simon was happy. _With me_ , his mind supplied, and wasn’t that ironic? Because in their real world, Simon never achieved that kind of happiness.

It was getting bad, really bad. How they were supposed to pull him back if he was so happy? At this point, Raphael was sure that Simon would never want to leave his happy place.

And if he was being honest, he wouldn’t leave either. From what he was seeing, Simon had the life they could only dream of having. Was it fair to pull him from that? To bring him into a world where downworlders were the lesser beings, where shadowhunters could lose their minds and go feral, killing downworlders in the process for the “greater good.”

That was what had happened. Simon was in this condition because he’d wanted to stop the homicidal shadowhunter and this was what he’d gotten instead: a prolonged coma. Life had a way to always fuck them over.

He heard footsteps approaching and after a month living with Magnus and the Lightwood boy, he could differentiate their footsteps. Alec’s were light, even with the combat boots, almost imperceptible if it wasn’t for his hearing.

Raphael braced himself for another fight like the one they’d had two weeks ago. Ever since then, their conversations have been scarce and always with Magnus 

in the middle. He just couldn’t stand the fact that this all happened because of a shadowhunter and looking at him reminded Raphael of that every time. It wasn’t healthy and he knew, deep down, that it wasn’t Alec’s fault, but he couldn’t help it.

Maybe he needed to blame someone else just to forget for a moment that he was the one to kidnap Simon in the first place and bring him into this world.

“Any changes?” Alec asked, when he finally made it to the living room.

Raphael shook his head, not daring to turn around.

"Well, I guess there is," Raphael said after a moment and he heard when Alec's heartbeat picked up the pace at the idea of any changes. "He's remembering. Things that he thinks he forgot."  
  
"But we can bring him back from that. Magnus is working on it."  
  
Raphael shook his head. What was the point of being optimistic when it was clear that Simon didn't want to come back? It was unfair to rob him from that life.  
  
"Do you think we are doing the right thing?"  
  
"What?" Alec asked, confusion in his voice.  
  
"Do you think this is the right thing?" Raphael said again, turning around and looking at Alec in the eye. "Do you think this is the best thing we can do for him? Bring him back to a world where downworlders and shadowhunters are in a constant battle? Why should I steal from him the chance to be happy?"  
  
"That life is a lie, a spell he's under and the longer he stays that way the harder it will be to bring him back. I don't know–"  
  
"It's real for him!" Raphael exclaimed loudly, cutting Alec off. "It's real and he's happy. Who am I to deny him that?"  
  
Alec averted his eyes for a moment and Raphael waited. Waited for the shadowhunter to tell him that he was wrong, that he should bring Simon back. He needed someone to be optimistic with him when he couldn't be. To tell him that he should be selfish and that if he missed Simon so much, then he should be working on bringing him back.  
  
"It's true," Alec said at last.  
  
 Raphael was expecting anything but that. "What?"  
  
"He's happy. He has the life that he desires, and we shouldn't be the ones making this decision because that's not our life." He stopped for a second and shook his head. "We are being selfish, that's also true, but I know that he can have that life here and it's going to be real."  
  
He looked at Raphael expectantly, like he was waiting for Raphael to agree but how could he? How could he even give him a family when at this point they were almost strangers? It wasn't like they could sweep everything under the rug and start again, it wasn't that easy. There was a lot of water under the bridge and it didn't matter how cheery Simon could be sometimes, Raphael knew that Simon resented him for kicking him out of the DuMort, out of the clan.  
  
It would be naive of him to think they could start brand new.  
  
"I'm not sure he wants that," Raphael said after a moment.  
  
This time, Alec shook his head and pointed at the mirror. "Look at him."  
  
Raphael turned, and, in the mirror, Simon was hugging him, or well, hugging the dream version of himself. The way that he was looking at him, the adoration, the love Raphael could see, he had never seen that, had never been on the receiving end of those looks. Until now. Until Raphael could see how Simon felt about him.   
  
He felt his throat closing and his eyes starting to sting. Could he even give him that happiness? What if Simon came back and that love disappeared because it was a side effect from the spell? Raphael couldn't live knowing that.   
  
As much as it pained him, Raphael couldn't look away. He couldn't miss any second of watching Simon blissfully happy because he was afraid. Raphael was afraid that this would be the last time that he would see Simon smile.  
  
"You are what he wants," Alec said, behind him, "and I know it won't change when he comes back."  
  
He didn't reply back, not really knowing what to say so he kept on staring at the mirror. At his alternate version of himself giving Simon a kiss on the cheek.   
  
It was too much.  
  
He heard when Alec sat down and sighed heavily. 

"I actually wanted to talk to you about what happened last time we talked."  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"I should apologize."  
  
That made Raphael turned around, surprised at what he was hearing.  
  
"I should," Alec repeated, this time nodding. "I was thinking like a shadowhunter, blaming this on you, fighting with you without realizing you are hurting. I was a hypocrite because if Magnus were the one lying there, I would fight against anyone and try every night to bring him back. I would do everything you are doing right now."  
  
Raphael kept staring, half surprised but he guessed there was some truth in that. They weren't that different; if Magnus was in this position, Raphael would be grieving all the same.   
  
"I'm sorry, Raphael." Alec looked up and connected his gaze to Raphael's. "I truly am, and I promise you that I will bring Simon back and keep him safe."  
  
It was the shadowhunter talking, Raphael knew that. If Magnus, a 400-year-old warlock with experience to spare and more power than any of them, could trust his life to this young shadowhunter with his eyes closed, then Raphael could too.  
  
So, closing his eyes and putting his trust in Alec, Raphael nodded.

He heard footsteps approaching. _Magnus._

And there he was. It was unsettling how Simon’s condition got everyone into this frayed mess, frayed nerves. All of them were losing sleep but Magnus more than anyone since he has been working on a spell and potion for Simon and Alec, respectively.

The Fairchild girl would come every day to check on Simon and beg Magnus to let her be the one to go into Simon’s dream, but Magnus wouldn’t budge.

At this point, Raphael didn’t even bother to try and just hoped every day that Alec would come out of it because he wouldn’t live knowing that he lost Simon at the same time that Magnus lost Alec.

Magnus looked them, surprise in his eyes to see them being amicable instead of in the middle of a screaming match. Progress.

“It turns out that this spell is more difficult than I thought. Maybe I will have to change this. Look for other options” He sat next to Alec, who promptly held his hand. Magnus sighed. “This might take a while.”

“How long?” Raphael asked, trying to keep his voice even, considering things looked bleak.

Magnus shook his head slowly and then shrugged. “I don’t know. This is completely out of my expertise; Catarina doesn’t know how to fix this either. I just… Things look awful, but I will find a way. I promise you.”

He nodded, not knowing what else to do but Magnus was his support system and he would trust him.

“In the meantime, Alexander must keep trying to lure him in. Buy some time until I can finish this spell. Maybe that way he can break the spell that Simon is under.”

“Convince him it’s a dream,” Alec concluded.

“Exactly. And while that’s happening, I will keep working on this.” He stopped for a minute, biting his lips, like he was trying to hold himself back from something. By now, Raphael knew that that didn’t bode well.

“What?”

Magnus averted his gaze to look at Alec and then looked back again at Raphael.

“I’ve been investigating about dreams and how to trigger a person to wake them up, which makes this whole ordeal a lot more complicated. I found out about time. Time in our world, which is the real world, is different. Slower.”

Raphael frowned. “What do you mean? He’s been in a coma for a month, that should be the same for him.”

“Not quite. See, while for us it’s been a month, for Simon could be different.”

“So, for him could be two months? Less than that?” Alec asked.

At Alec’s words, it was like all of the years Magnus had been alive came crashing down. Magnus looked exhausted and like he didn’t want to say the following, “Time in a dream is faster. For us, it’s been a month. By my calculations, for Simon, it’s been 6 months since he woke up.”

Blank. His mind was blank. Raphael couldn’t process what he was hearing. How he was going to compete with 6 months of pure happiness? _6 months._ That’s enough time to not want to come back.

Time was a tricky thing when immortal. Time got slower and if you weren’t careful with your mind, everything would get confusing. To Raphael, it had been like that: painfully slow. Until that dreadful night that Magnus had called him, saying that something had happened to Simon and that he had to come. Time had started literally flying, while they were losing Simon with every minute that went by.  

“The longer he stays in, the harder this will become. Alexander has to go in there almost every day to break the spell and I need to work on this spell faster.”

Magnus kept on talking about what they should do and how they should prepare themselves for the possibility that it might take more than one shot to bring Simon back. Everything got complicated so fast that it was hard for Raphael to keep up.

But something was certain, and he didn’t care at this point that he was robbing Simon the of the chance to be truly happy. It was a dream and like Alec had said before, Raphael could give him that life.

“We are going to wake him up. No matter what.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you just love some Raphael & Alec bonding time? Delicioso.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ANGST FEST!

For a creature of the night, Simon would say that he wasn’t that much of a brave vampire.

After all this time, nothing should surprise him, but he was wrong on that front too. Every night, without failure, Simon would see that tall figure that he saw months ago. Every night, this someone or something, Simon wasn’t sure, would stand there, waiting, like he was trying to lure Simon in and make him walk over there. There were a few times where the figure would succeed but every time, at the last minute, someone would call Simon’s name and the figure would be gone.

Simon was terrified because it seemed like he was the only one who could see it and it would try to get his attention by standing there. Just because of this pull it had over him, Simon would move. Otherwise, he would’ve run in the next direction.

Somehow, the figure was calling him, to go towards him and Simon could be a coward, but he was not stupid.

But enough of that. His princess was having have her ballet recital shortly, and he couldn’t be more excited for her.

Raphael had had to go with Magnus to buy some pink tutus because according to Rose, those weren’t _cute_ enough. Raphael rolled his eyes but still went there to please their daughter.

“I hope this doesn’t sound like a bad parent but,” Raphael looked around them and moved closer, his voice lower, “I’m glad these practices are over for a while.”

“I heard that!” Rose yelled from where she was standing.

“That was the point!” Raphael yelled back.

Simon looked at the interaction with fond eyes. Was he in love? Absolutely. Would he ever leave this place? Not in a million years.

They were currently in the gym, doing said practice. Or more accurately, Rose was practicing with Stan, who was standing there, waiting for her to come at him and jump. That wouldn’t be the first time; they’ve been at it for over an hour and while Stan was a cool about it, Simon could see that he was slowly dying.

After the private recital they’d held for the parents, the instructor had said that the kids were good to go for the big event, so now they were finishing the last touches of Rose’s number.

Looking at her, Simon still couldn’t believe that he had woken up to this, a family that he could call his own; it felt so much like a dream come true that he didn’t want to wake up.

“Maybe we should get Stan out of his misery,” Simon whispered, leaning over Raphael, “he will leave the clan before this is over.”

Since it was a short recital, this wasn’t supposed to last this long, since Rose’s recital was just 10 minutes long and as far as he knew, they were covering the basics.

But Rose went ahead and started doing twirls and jumps, using her big eyes to convince Stan to stand there and catch her whenever she would jump.

It was hilarious.

“I heard that too!” Rose yelled again at them while in the background, Stan said “I really don’t mind” but Simon knew better.

Simon chuckled, not even bothering to correct himself.

Raphael's phone buzzed for the tenth time that day and this time, he didn't bother to look who was calling. Looking to Raphael, Simon caught the exact moment that his boyfriend rolled his eyes, probably knowing who was bombarding his phone.

"Okay, that's enough. Let's get moving," Raphael said, standing up. "Magnus is getting antsy and I'm getting annoyed with his dramatics."  
  
Without fail at telling her no, Rose pouted. "But I'm not perfect yet."  
  
"Baby, no one gets perfect in a one-hour practice. Whatever you have, I'm sure it's good," Raphael tried to reassure her. He signed to Stan so they could leave.  
  
So, Rose's been practicing the same day her recital was due and that was such a Simon's characteristic to leave everything to the last moment. He would never encourage it out loud, but it really was a wonder how they were so similar. Simon was proud of his princess.  
  
"If I fall in the middle of the show, I'm blaming someone."  
  
Simon snorted, very well ignoring the death glare that Raphael sent his way.  
  
"Just so you know, she got that from your side," Simon said, smirking when Raphael narrowed his eyes at him.  
  
"You can blame whoever you want on our way there. Come on, Magnus is waiting." Raphael urged her to grab her things so they could leave. There would be a portal waiting for them in the lobby.  
  
Rose huffed again but knowing this was a lost battle, she grabbed her bag and walked her way out of the gym saying "Uncle Magnus say that you can't mess with perfection."  
  
At that, both Simon and Raphael rolled their eyes because of course, Magnus was the one behind all of this.  
  
"Uncle Magnus is old and he doesn't know what he's talking about," Raphael replied, getting a huff back but that did the trick and Rose actually left. "A week more with them and she will think she can do magic."  
  
Although he was being all snarky, Simon could see through the facade. Raphael was nervous, which didn't make sense because there was nothing to be worried about. Everything was fine.  
  
 Getting closer to him and circling his waist, Simon pulled him closer until his back was flushed to his front, and leaned down, his chin resting on Raphael's shoulder.  
  
"Are you sure Magnus is the one getting antsy?" Simon asked softly, tightening his hold just a bit. "I think you're projecting."  
  
This close, Simon could hear when Raphael sighed softly, almost like he didn't want Simon to hear. He supposed some habits die hard.  
  
"I guess I'm kind of nervous but it's fine. She'll be perfect, I'm sure."  
  
If he was being honest, Simon was nervous too. The recital would be perfect, he was sure of that but if there was a possibility that Rose failed in any of her steps, they would support her anyways and celebrate with her. Simon was convinced that his recital was the first of too many and he couldn’t wait to see them all with the man in his arms.

Simon kissed him there, where his pulse point should be and chuckled a little when he felt Raphael getting goosebumps.  
  
"Come on," Simon whispered, "let's see our daughter shine."  
  
Raphael nodded. "Let's."

 

∞

 

 

  
The recital was a total success, as Simon thought it would be. He didn't have any doubts that it would be different.  
  
Watching Rose doing her little twirls, glowing and just being proud of herself, was something that Simon would never forget. He also would never forget that Raphael was sniffing a little and wiping his eyes, saying that he was fine. All lies but Simon let him be. Magnus, instead, was full on crying for Madzie.  
  
Even though everything was amazing, Simon couldn't get rid of this feeling that something would happen any moment now. Ever since the recital had started, he'd been feeling odd.  
  
They finally got home to celebrate and the feeling was still there. In fact, it was stronger this time, but Simon wouldn't let that stop him. If that weird tall figure hadn’t stopped him before, this feeling wouldn't do that either.  
  
They were once again congregated in the room where they held Rose's birthday party and everyone was there. The whole clan was celebrating with her, and of course, Magnus, Alec and Madzie were there too. Madzie’s number was amazing too.  
  
It was a big celebration and Simon couldn't be happier; he bet Rose was feeling the same. Speaking of her...  
  
"Do you know where Rose is?" Simon asked to Raphael.  
  
"She told me she was going to look for something in her room," Raphael replied, looking around like he was realizing Rose wasn't there. "I thought she already came back."  
  
"That's weird. Let me find her."  
  
He leaned down and kissed Raphael softly on his lips, as a goodbye kiss. He was still getting used to it but Simon had the feeling he would never get used to it. Every kiss was like the very first time, the same fluttering feeling in his stomach. It was thrilling.  
  
Passing by the guests and greeting some of them, Simon left the room and went to the elevator.  
  
While their rooms were on the 10th floor, Rose had the tendency to go to the upper floors because she was a curious girl. Those rooms were empty and because of that, the lightning was scarce. The hallways were darker, some of them were pitch black.  
  
Simon could bet Rose was on the 20th floor. That was the highest.  
  
Personally, Simon hated those floors. They were eerily quiet, they smelled like they been abandoned for quite some time but everything was intact. It was unnerving.  
  
The doors pinged opened and that feeling that something would happen came full force. But he powered through and stepped out of the elevator.  
  
The hallway was quiet, some lights were working, some didn’t, and even when he knew all of that, it didn't stop him from feeling goosebumps all over his body.  
  
"Rose!" he called.  
  
His voice echoed around the walls until his voice disappeared and he waited for something.  
  
But nothing happened. Maybe she already came down...  
  
Suddenly, he heard footsteps but more like someone was running.  
"Rose?"  
  
He turned around, but the hallway was empty; he turned back and it was the same. Suddenly, the place grew colder and a shiver went through his spine, feeling his hair stand on end.   
  
This wasn't supposed to happen, this was supposed to be a happy day, not for him to get scared in his own home.  
  
Simon heard giggles at the far end of the hallway.  
  
"Rose?" he called again but no answer came. More giggles echoing. "Stay right there! Don't move!"  
  
And that's when he started running. She must be distracted, playing with something and couldn’t hear him. He had to get to her; he needed to run faster, but it didn’t matter how much faster he could run, there was no end to this hallway. Something was telling him that if he didn’t get to her, something would happen and the fact that he didn’t know if it was good or bad, it _terrified_ him.  
  
But if he could just get to his daughter, everything would be fine and this feeling would _stop_. He just had to keep running to get to her.  
  
He heard more giggles but instead of putting him at ease, it made him more nervous.  
  
"Rose!" he called again, hoping this time she would answer. "Rose!"  
  
And then Simon saw it, making him stop abruptly.  
  
The tall figure again, standing where the light met darkness.  
  
There was no one else here to stop him from going after the figure, no one to distract him. Simon was completely alone as the hallway once again settled into pure silence **.**

Simon stood there, waiting for this figure to do something for a change, to maybe attack him or to leave. Whatever would happen, Simon would take it instead of this standstill.  
  
And then that pull came.  
  
He breathed out again, trying to calm his racing heart. _Why is my heart pounding so hard? I'm dead._  
  
He needed to overcome this. In order to bring his daughter back to him, he would get past this tall figure that has been haunting him for months on end.  
  
With a last shuddering breath, Simon walked forward, to where the figure was standing, to where the light met darkness. He would fight if he had to, anything for his daughter. He had his training, he was ready.  
  
Just a few more steps...  
  
He was so close now, he could see a more defined figure, he could–    
  
Simon stopped abruptly, the fight leaving his body like a breath. It wasn't a figure or just a shadow, but it was impossible, it couldn't be–   
  
"Alec?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter and the next :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And remember guys, it's all for the Plot
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: DEPICTIONS OF BLOOD AND A CHARACTER DEATH but only briefly. Rating goes up only for this chapter

"Alec?" Simon asked, perplexed. Not 5 minutes ago he’d seen the shadowhunter back at the party.

"Fucking finally. I've been trying to reach out to you." His eyes glanced behind Simon's back. "We have to go."  
  
Simon stared. He was realizing at that moment that Alec had his shadowhunter gear on, which Simon was sure that he hadn’t had on back at the party. In fact, now that Simon was thinking about it, ever since he’d woken up, he’d never seen Alec wearing shadowhunter gear, just more stylish clothes. Or maybe he’d never noticed before?  
  
"Why are you dressed like that?"  
  
This time, Alec frowned and shook his head. "What? Simon, we have to go."

"Go where? What are you talking about?"  
  
But before Alec could reply, the doors from the elevator pinged open; Simon turned around just in time to see a big group coming out of the elevator.   
  
The clan was looking for him.  
  
"Simon, listen to me." Alec spun him around, grabbing him by the arms. When Simon looked at him, Alec looked panicked. "We're running out of time. This is a dream. You have to wake up."  
  
Simon stared at him, really looked at him and it felt like he was seeing the man for the first time. Somehow, this wasn’t the same Alec.  
  
"Why would you say that? If this is a joke, it's a bad one."  
  
"No, no. Simon. Look– "  
  
But before Alec could continue, someone was calling Simon, asking him where he was. He recognized that voice, it was Raphael.  
  
"I'll be right there with you," Simon called back, knowing Raphael would hear him. He turned back to Alec, "I don't know what you're talking about, but I have to find my daughter."  
  
Alec made a face, like he was pitying him. And regret, a lot of regret. Simon couldn't understand why, his life at the moment was more than a blessing.  
  
"Simon– "  
  
"We're wasting time, Alec," Simon interrupted whatever Alec was going to say, "if you're not going to help me find Rose, then get back to the party."  
  
And then, Alec’s face softened a little bit. "So, that's her name."  
  
Simon balked, urgency leaving his body for a moment but that feeling that something would happen came back. _What the hell is going on?_

"Simon, you need to come with me. We have–"

But then, footsteps were approaching cutting off whatever Alec was going to say. 

Everything felt so strange. If he really put his mind into it, Simon couldn't recall the hotel being this big. Something, deep inside, was telling him that none of this should have happened. This hallway hadn’t been here when he first came to live here after he’d been turned and he knew that Raphael wouldn't waste time trying to build more floors, but everything was blurry, and he couldn't say for certain what the truth was.

Suddenly, he felt like when he had woken up. Dizzy, confused, his mind blurry.

The footsteps stopped a few feet away from where Alec and Simon were standing. Simon turned to look at the clan, with Raphael in front of them.

"What's taking you so long?" Raphael asked.

But something was off. Long gone was that soft tone Raphael had used with him these past few months and Simon could understand if the man was angry or preoccupied but that wasn't the case. Raphael's face was devoid of any reaction or feeling whatsoever. It was like he was asking just to ask, not because he cared.

Maybe it was everything piling up that was making him see things because there was no way Raphael didn't care. It couldn't be.

"Hey," Simon said, swallowing, feeling restless, "I'm just looking for Rose. Alec is here to help me. Right, Alec?" 

Simon glanced at Alec but the shadowhunter had his eyes focused solely on the clan, on Raphael, and when Simon saw movement out of the corner of his eye, he looked down to see that Alec had his hand  close to his seraph blade, like he was prepping himself to attack anyone that moved.

Simon felt his breath quicken. Alec wasn't capable of attacking one of the clan, right? Not after all this time.

"What are you doing?" he hissed.

Without taking his eyes of the group, Alec said, "we need to go. Now." Alec sounded distressed, like he knew what was going on and what would happen. 

"Simon, come back to us," Raphael said, still in that detached tone.

"Yeah, no. In a minute. I just have to find Rose."

Alec was inching closer, his hand already holding the handle.

"Come back to us, Simon." 

The group was inching closer too when Simon turned to look.

Alec was already towering over him, positioning himself in front of Simon.

This couldn't be happening. Alec wouldn't kill them all. The clan wasn't going to kill Alec. They had been getting along just fine. This wasn't happening, it was all wrong, what the hell was going on—

The clan stopped walking.

Simon held his breath.

"I need you to run," Alec whispered, still looking at the group.

"What? What do you mean run?"

Then, Raphael moved forward, just a few steps and Simon could see Alec tensing his back, his hand tightening on the handle.

"If you kill them, I will never forgive you," Simon warned him, spilling in every ounce of threat that he had in his body just so Alec would draw back. 

Even though he himself felt threatened by Raphael too.  

"This is a dream, Simon. Wake up," Alec said, again. 

The dizziness came back full force.

"Simon," Raphael spoke, getting his attention, "if you don't come back, something bad will happen."

He frowned, mostly because that was what he had been feeling all day. If Raphael knew something, he should have told him. Warned him, at least.

"What do you mean?" Simon asked, slowly. As if the words were coming back to him again.

Raphael didn't answer. Just kept looking at him.

Out of the group, Lily appeared, and she looked just like Raphael: detached from the whole situation. Now that he was paying attention, everyone looked detached. No one really seemed to care and Simon couldn't discern if they didn't care about him or the situation in general.

"What's going on?" Simon asked again but no one answered.

The air felt thick, tense. He still felt dizzy. Something bad was going to happen but he didn't know, _he didn't know_ —

And then, it happened.

Simon saw everything in slow motion.

Lily draw back a dagger that he hadn’t noticed before. It was silver. 

She moved behind Raphael, her arm with the knife outstretched.

They were both looking at him, devoid of any feeling.

"You are not coming back," Lily said, but it felt like she meant something else.

But before Simon could even begin to form a word, Lily moved first and the next thing he knew, Raphael was choking on his own blood, falling to his knees.

Simon stopped breathing.

Lily slit Raphael's throat.

Raphael was dead.

_Raphael is dead. Lily killed him. She slit his throat._

Simon looked at the lifeless body of his boyfriend, the blood still pouring from the cut. His eyes were open, but they were dead. _Dead. Raphael is dead._

He glanced up slowly. Lily still had her knife, dripping blood. She still looked like nothing really mattered to her. 

_Raphael is dead_

There was a puddle of blood forming around Raphael.

"Raphael." He choked on the word.

"You're not coming back," Lily repeated.

She threw the knife and it clattered onto the puddle. A loud noise that could rival the noise of his own heavy breathing. He blinked, trying to make his eyes to focus because everything was getting blurry but it didn’t matter, Raphael’s lifeless body was still lying there, his clothes getting stained with the blood that kept pouring.

Lily moved. The clan moved.

Simon was still in shock, he couldn't move. More blood kept pouring. Simon couldn't look away.

Distantly, he heard Alec speaking but he couldn't care less about words. His boyfriend, the love of his life was dead. _Dead. Raphael is dead._

They were a family. How could she? Was this to get a position of power? Did she want to be the clan leader? Raphael would have let her, of that Simon was sure. There was no need for this to happen. Why did this happen? He couldn't be... This wasn't... _Dead. Raphael is dead._

It couldn't be.

He felt someone grabbing his arm and forcing him to move back.

Forcing him to run.

He was moving.

And then, it was like time came back to its usual speed. 

Alec was pulling him by his arm, basically dragging him down the corridor. They were running.

"We need to go. Now!" Alec yelled at him, not looking back.

Simon kept moving, by the sheer force that was Alec, but when he glanced back, Raphael's lifeless body was still there in a pool of blood.

He looked at the clan but this time he couldn't recognize anyone.

Their faces were gone, no eyes, no nose, no mouth.

_Dead. Raphael is dead._

It was out of a nightmare.

They kept running, further down. Simon thought that they were at the end of the hallway but it seemed it was longer than that. He was wrong on thinking that they were a family, it wasn't surprising that he was wrong about a fucking hallway too.

The thought that he would have to live without Raphael wasn't sinking in yet and it seemed that it would never sink in. It couldn't be happening. Now that he had him, now that he had a second chance to make everything right, now that he was truly happy, he lost everything _again?_

It must be a sick joke from the universe.

Alec pulled him inside a room and locked it. 

The room was empty, that much he could see but his mind was still in the hallway, with Raphael's body on the floor. Dead.

"What's going on?" he asked again, but not to anyone in particular. He was just trying to understand how everything went wrong so fast.

Did he miss a signal? Were there any hints that this was going to happen? Was that feeling he’d had earlier about this?

"Simon, I need you to focus." 

Alec was standing in front of him but Simon couldn't see him. Everything was blurry.

_Oh._

He was crying, now he could feel the tears, the salty taste of them. He’d started crying a while ago and he hadn’t even noticed.

_Dead. Raphael is dead._

"I know this is killing you but I need you to focus, Simon. This is–"

"I don't care."

Alec blinked, moving back stunned. "What?"

"I don't care! I don't care! Whatever you want to say, I don't care. Raphael is– He is–" He choked on the word but that but that didn’t stop the tears from falling down his cheeks. _Dead. Raphael is dead. "_ –I lost him. Again."

Alec shook his head, "No, Simon. You didn't. Listen to me, he's alive."

Simon swallowed, trying to find the words. He didn't know what to feel. Everything was piling up: anger, resentment, heartbreak, but most of all, he felt helpless. He couldn't save his loved one. His Raphael.

"Dead. Raphael is dead," Simon managed to say for the first time but that didn't soften the blow that he felt in his chest. "Both of us saw it. Unless you have a way to bring him back, he's... _Fuck._ Raphael is dead, Alec."

It felt like another blow that sent him to the wall behind him. He had to lean on it so he wouldn't fall but barely. How ironic. A creature of the night that was feared by many and could be killed so easily. It didn't matter that they had they trained for months, they could die so easily, in seconds.

_And I didn't save him. Useless. So useless._

This wasn't happening, this had to be a dream, a nightmare and he would wake up to Raphael alive and Rose next to him. 

He felt like there wasn't enough air in his lungs, he couldn't breathe. He felt like the room was closing in on him; he needed to get out, he needed to find Raphael's body and... He didn't know what he would do next, but he had to find him and then find Lily and send her to the Downworlder Council and they would deal with her. Find Rose, tell her that her dad was... _Dead. Raphael is dead. I lost him again._

Raphael didn't deserve that. This wasn't—

"Simon."

The authoritative tone snapped him out of his reverie to look at Alec.

"You're spiraling. I need you to breath. Breathe with me." Alec started counting his breaths and next thing he knew, Simon was breathing with Alec, his heart slowing down, the dizziness stopping a little bit. "That's right. Breath."

And then something clicked in the midst of his clouded mind. He was breathing.

That couldn't be.

"Why am I breathing? I'm a vampire, I'm dead. I shouldn't be breathing; my heart shouldn't be beating. What the fuck is going on, Alec? Lily would never do that." His breath started quickening again.

"Breathe, Simon." Alec grabbed him by his shoulders, making him look up. "Breathe."

Looking at Alec, the only person in the moment that was giving him some kind of support, Simon let himself calm down, but the questions kept coming on a loop in his mind.

"I know this is a bad moment for you, but I need you to listen to me carefully," Alec stated, his gaze hardening. Simon bet that this was his way to detach himself from what was happening. Simon would do that too if it wasn't for the fact that it hurt too much. "Raphael is alive, just on the other side. You have to wake up."

"I'm awake, Alec. Stop saying that."

"No, no." Alec shook his head. "This is all a dream. You were attacked by a warlock who put you in a coma. You are dreaming and you have to wake up."

Simon frowned, not even knowing where to start on that. "What are you talking about?"

And then, the door started pounding. Hard. It was like a bunch of people were hitting the door to get in. It wouldn't last long.

" _You're not coming back! You're not coming back! You're not coming back!"_ They kept saying. It was the clan.

But he didn't know what they meant. Come back from where? Were they trying to kick him out from the hotel? From the clan? _Where am I supposed to go?_

For a moment, he looked at Alec. The man looked panicked, his face pale, like he somehow knew that their fate was doomed if they managed to get in.

"We're running out of time," Alec said and then looked at Simon. "Have you ever wondered why you can breathe? Walk under the sun?"

"What?" Simon felt lost.

They kept pounding the door.

"Think, Simon! You are a vampire; you are not supposed to walk under the sun."

"But... But Magnus made a spell... So we could do it."

"No, Simon." Alec shook his head. "Magnus can't do it, not even with his power, he couldn’t make a spell like that. It's impossible."

"But Magnus said..." His words died down in his mouth. He didn't want to believe him, but Alec was onto something. No one could possibly shield him from the sun, a natural force. No one, not even Magnus and Simon knew that, deep down but he didn't want to believe it.

The pounding was louder this time.

" _You're not coming back!"_

"Do you remember anything before waking up?"

"Of course, I do. I..." And he trailed off because no matter how much he tried, he couldn't. He only had memories from when they found Rose and when he came back to live in the hotel, and he focused so much on being a better dad that he forgot about the loss of memory.

He didn't remember what he was doing before waking up. Did he really fall putting up some balloons or was it just a trick? A spell from a warlock.

Suddenly, the floor started shaking. The ceiling started cracking. The pounding kept going.

"Fuck," Alec cursed, looking up.

"What's going on?"

Alec shook his head. Long gone was his calm demeanor. He was panicking, just like Simon. The building was going to fall on them. They would die just like that. 

Alec grabbed his shoulders again, harder this time. "You need to wake up, Simon."

"But I'm not–"

"Yes, you are. You're dreaming. Nothing is real. Nothing. You need to wake up before the building falls on us."

The building shook again, parts of the ceiling were falling but nothing stopped the pounding and the chanting.

"Raphael is alive," Alec said suddenly. He sounded so certain.

"Where?"

"On the other side," Alec replied. "You have to trust me, Simon, but you have to wake up."

Alec wouldn't lie to him, right? He wouldn't use Raphael as a joke. Alec wasn't like that. He wouldn't get his hopes up just to tell him it was all a lie, that Raphael was truly dead. And yet...

"Do you promise me?"

"Yes," Alec said, nodding.

Big chunks of the ceiling started falling, the building was crashing down but nothing hit them. The lighting started flickering, soon they would be engulfed by darkness.

He would trust Alec. He didn't have anything to lose, at this point.

Simon closed his eyes the moment the lights went out and the ceiling was falling for good.

He felt like he was falling through a black hole, there was no end in sight. He was falling and falling and falling....

Everything was pitch black but unlike the other times, he couldn't hear or feel anything. He was completely alone.

And forever falling.

He should stop. Any moment now.

Falling. Falling. Falling...

But then, everything stopped.

He stopped falling.

Simon opened his eyes.

It was all blurry for a minute and he had to blink a few times to get a better sight but when he did the first thing that he saw was Clary, Magnus and Alec looking over him, their faces concerned but relived. 

But most importantly, there he was. Raphael, holding his hand.

Alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honest to god think my writing improved with this chapter. Like, I'm so fucking proud of how this ended up. No joke


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said that angst came to stay? Yeah, I meant that. 
> 
> Here comes the aftermath of Simon's dreams. The fallout of the whole Camille situation in season 1 and when he told Aldertree about the rogue vampires and vampires dens Camille had all around New York, Raphael getting the brunt of it. The vampires never forget, guys. Enter long-time-coming conversations/fights.
> 
> This chapter begins with a little bit of Malec :) enjoy it because they won't show up together on the upcoming chapters

_5 hours earlier._

  
  
"Are you sure about this?" Magnus asked. "You can still back out. I can find another way–"  
  
"Magnus," Alec interrupted him, grabbing his hands in the process, "I'm sure. I'm not backing out, not when I promised Raphael."  
  
Truth was he was terrified about all the things that could go wrong. The pressure of being the head of the institute couldn't compare to this. Bringing someone alive from their own mind.  
  
He looked at his boyfriend, the terrified look in his eyes. The worst part about this was that he couldn't comfort Magnus because he himself was beyond terrified.  
  
"Babe, we talked about this," Alec whispered, moving closer to Magnus. "We both agreed that I would do this."  
  
"Yes, I know but I guess it didn't sink in the possibility that I may lose you too. I..." Magnus shook his head. "I don't want to lose you."  
  
Alec remained silent for a moment. Part of him didn’t want to let this whole thing sink in. It wasn’t part of his training, for starters; there were no demons to deal with in this situation and if someone were to ask him which one he preferred, Alec would say demons in a heartbeat, because at least then he would know what do to.

For this, he was going in completely blind. All of them were, really, because it was Magnus’ first time.

He’d known from the very first moment that Clary was reckless, but nothing had prepared him for Simon Lewis to come stumbling in behind her and get himself trapped into his own mind.

Alec wanted to scream, of course he wanted to. Clary had ran off with the sword, just to show up saying that Simon fell down because of an attack and he wasn’t waking up and on top of that Sebastian had disappeared too, no one had any idea about the sword and he had the vampire clan leader on his back because of this whole mess.

It was a miracle that Raphael wasn’t demanding Clary’s head because the man has been so focused on bringing Simon back that for him Clary was just in the middle.

Speaking of Clary, the girl was just another story. The mood swings between anger and sadness were driving him up the wall. The verbal fights between her and Raphael were horrible and as much as he wanted to defend Clary because she was a fellow shadowhunter, she alone got herself in this situation.

It sounded awful but who the hell told her that the best course of action was to take the soul sword? With a fledging no less.

It was three months since then

Sebastian was still on the lose but at least the soul sword was in good hands and there was no impending destruction in sight.

He couldn’t say the same thing about Simon.

It had been three months looking at Simon’s dreams, watching him be happy with another Raphael and a little girl, making a family within the clan. It was a sick joke from the universe because the real Raphael had to watch that every day and excuse himself every time the little girl showed up.

It wasn’t so hard to put two and two together as to why Raphael couldn’t watch. Even for him was hard to watch. By the looks of it, he was living with Magnus and Madzie.

Somehow, Simon had managed to dream about a better life for all of them, including a life for him and it was later that Magnus had told them that all of that was something that Simon desired.

The kicker was that nothing was real, and he would have to pull him back from that perfect life to this.

It was true that he didn’t have any emotional connection with Simon, which could make this process easier, but watching his doppelganger have an amazing relationship with both vampires, well, that took a toll on him and while he didn’t say it out loud, Alec promised himself that he would be a better friend to Simon. At least make those relationships real and not let them die.

But first, Alec would save Simon from his own mind.

Magnus had finally found a way to wake him up. It wouldn’t be easy, but they were running out time. Alec was ready, or as ready as he could be, but Magnus…

He looked at Magnus intently, memorizing every little detail of his beautiful face. His spiked hair, those eyes that gave him another reason to fall in love with this 

magical man, his nose, his mouth to which Alec could get addicted every day, his dexterous and tender hands that would sparkle with the clear signs of magic. Everything that was _Magnus._

“Come here,” Alec said, pulling Magnus close from his waist. He leaned down just a little bit, until his lips were brushing Magnus’ ear. “I know you’re afraid, I am too but this is not something we can back out of now.”

“I didn’t mean both of us. Just you.”

Alec shook his head, feeling the threads of hair ticking his nose. “I wouldn’t let you deal with this alone.” When Magnus didn’t look at him right away, Alec took that moment to hold his chin up until their gazes connected. “What is it?”

“I’m worried,” Magnus replied, his voice trembling for a second, “that you’re not coming back. That you’ll get stuck in there forever, that this won’t work and I–”

“Magnus, hey, _hey.”_ Alec cupped Magnus’ face, preventing his boyfriend from looking away. He was leaving and there was no chance in hell that the last sight of his boyfriend would be tears. “I’m coming back. I promise, with Simon. Okay?”

His Adam’s apple wobbled but, in the end, Magnus just nodded and turned around to walk towards the living room.

Alec sighed a shaky breath when he knew that Magnus was out of earshot.

He wasn’t blind or dense, as many people would say. He knew that Magnus hurting, both because of Simon and Raphael but also because he was worried that Alec would get stuck or forget about this life, his _real_ life with him. Alec knew all of this, but they needed to be strong. The last thing that Alec needed was to see Magnus crumbling down because he would be falling right after.

Simon needed them and they needed to be focused. Alec needed to be focused.

So, straightening his back and shutting down every emotion that could cloud his mind from his mission, Alec went back to the living room where Raphael was waiting for them.

Alec was ready, or as ready as he could be. He knew there was a lot at stake here. He could get lost in there, all the hallways looked the same to him, or he could even like the idea of a world with no threats whatsoever.

But that meant leaving Magnus and his family behind, and no dream life was worth it.  
  
"Are you sure you want to do this, Magnus?" Raphael asked.  
  
 While Magnus was worried about him getting lost, Raphael was worried that Magnus would be left behind, forgotten, and Alec didn't dare to say it but that was one of his fears too.  
  
Alec didn't hear Magnus' answer but he didn't need to; he knew Magnus like the back of his hands, he knew that he was terrified. All of them were.     
  
"How are we doing this?" Clary asked when the silence was too much.  
  
"I gave him a potion that will make him feel odd," Magnus started, his gaze on the mirror that showed Simon with Raphael in what looked to be a gym. "Like nothing is quite the same. It will feel like the beginning of a nightmare. Alexander has to find a way to convince him that everything is a dream before the nightmare happens."  
  
"Do we know what will happen?" Alec asked this time, gaze flicking from the mirror to Magnus.  
  
Magnus shook his head. "I can only hope that it's not too much for him."  
  
Alec nodded. He understood that this was also Magnus' first time doing something like this and they could only hope that they were doing it right.  
  
"I still don't think it's a good idea for Alec to go in alone," Clary said. They all had learnt that Clary would maintain her opinion until this whole situation was over.  
  
Alec was grateful, he really was, but it was too much of a risk. It was better to keep an eye on only one of them instead of two.  
  
He sighed again and clenched his hands a few times, trying to not let his own nervousness and fear cloud his judgement. He could do this.  
  
"Let's get this over with. We can't waste more time," Alec announced, getting a few nods back.  
  
Since he was the one going into Simon's dreams, Magnus decided that it was best to have another sofa next to Simon so that he could go in faster. Alec still didn't know how it worked but the closer they were, the easier it was for him to find Simon. They had had plenty of trials and errors when he had gone into Simon’s dreams before.  
  
He lied down, moving his head from side to side, getting comfortable. 

Something told him that this time it would be different, so he might as well get comfortable while doing this.  
  
"The potion Simon drank lasts for 5 hours. That's the time you have to find him," Magnus continued, this time looking at him. Alec watched him swallow, his eyes not quite on him. He handed him a vial. "Drink this."  
  
The liquid was blue and by the looks of it, thick. While they had been using Magnus’ magic to help Alec go into the dreams, this was supposed to last longer. With Magnus’ magic, he could only last 30 minutes at most if Magnus felt energized, something they had been lacking lately.

"What's this?"

"It's a duplicate of the one I gave Simon, with the difference that it won't make you dizzy. I can't perform the spell for 5 hours, I would drain myself." Alec nodded again, still looking at the vial. Magnus continued. "It's going to feel more real, though, so be careful."

"What do you mean real?" Raphael asked, his voice tinged with worry. _That_  would be a first. "Isn't he supposed to not get convinced by anything that's happening there?"

"He has to be real for Simon," Magnus countered, "and in order to do that, he has to feel everything too."

Both Clary and Raphael were looking dubious and with reason. This was getting more dangerous, but Alec would put his trust in Magnus any day and this wasn't any different.

"I know how it sounds but that was as far as I could go with the short time we had." Magnus turned to the other two and then back to Alec. "You will see your opening to find Simon. I don't know what it will be, but you'll know."

"I'm going to make it work," Alec spoke for the first time in a while. "I'll bring Simon back alive, one way or another." His gaze went to Raphael. _That's a promise._

Raphael nodded at him.

And that was the end. Alec brought the vial to his lips and drank. Like he’d guessed earlier, the liquid was thick but fortunately, it was tasteless. 

"You'll feel like the earth is shaking, that means you’re running out of time." Magnus said. He looked nervous just like Alec felt. Magnus walked towards him and crouched next to him, giving Alec an opening to pour out his worries. "You're going to make it back, you hear me?"

Alec smiled, even though he felt restless and nervous. He cupped Magnus cheek. "Why wouldn't I? Look what I have waiting for me." Still holding him, Alec brought him closer until their lips met in a closed-lips kiss. 

They broke the kiss, keeping it short.

"I love you," Magnus whispered, against his lips.

"I love you too," Alec said back. The only thing that he was sure of at the moment.

Magnus stood up and walked back until he was standing next to Raphael.

"Good luck," Clary said. Her eyes were glistening.

"Remember, time is different, faster, so make every second count."

Alec nodded but didn't say anything, he didn't think that he could.

The potion was starting to take its effects; he was feeling sleepy, his eyes felt heavy.

" _Be careful."_

He heard someone say but he couldn't discern who said it. 

Alec felt heavy; everything was starting to fade out. This wasn't like the last times, that was for sure.

He closed his eyes, hoping this time it would be the last time that he had to do this.

When Alec opened his eyes, he was standing in a dimly lit hallway, much like the others but he felt different. The place felt more real, tangible. If he let it, he could be part of it.

He shook his head. He was there to save Simon and get out of there alive.

Somewhere, at the far end of the hallway, he heard a giggle approaching and then Simon's voice.

Alec sighed deeply. His opening was there.

_Let's do this._

 

 

_Now_

 

 

Raphael stared, not really believing that Simon was awake. Alive.

Alec kept his promise; he had Simon back.  
  
But even when he wanted to cry from joy and hug him and tell him how stupid he was for taking that damn sword alone, Raphael was speechless, stunned in silence.

Just like everybody else.  
  
Because after months of watching Simon deep into his dreams, it was surreal to finally have him back.  
  
"Hey, Simon," Magnus was the first one to talk, after a while, "how do you feel?"  
  
Simon shrugged. "Fine, I guess. Why are we here anyways? I thought we were at the hotel. When did we leave?" His gaze flickered to Raphael and then back to Magnus.  
  
And it was like a black hole sucked whatever hope Raphael had to really believe that Simon was back. Simon still believed he was in his dream. Just like that, everyone was tense, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  
  
"Where is Rose?" Simon asked, looking at him this time.  
  
Raphael heard Alec curse under his breath but that was enough to make him restless. Still, he had to ask. "Who's– who's Rose?"  
  
Simon laughed, like he was telling a joke. "Rose, our daughter. Don't act like you don't know her. I already went through that and it's not pretty."

Faintly, he heard Clary ask who this Rose was but Raphael was still caught up in "our daughter." Did Simon really want a life like that? And how was Raphael supposed to compete with that? He couldn't give him a family, not like Simon wanted him anyways.  
  
"I think it's best if we let you guys talk," Magnus offered and then Raphael heard Magnus leaving with Alec behind him.  
  
"I'm glad you're back," Clary said before she left.  
  
He was still reeling from the fact that they had a daughter— fuck, a daughter! The possibility of that happening was a stretch— when he felt a hand cupping his cheek. His gaze landed on Simon.

"I lost you there for a second. What's going on?"  
  
Raphael gulped, not quite knowing how to approach this subject. He wasn't known for his subtlety and he had always been a straight-forward person, which he believed helped him to land his position as the clan leader. So, with every problem, the best way to deal with this was like ripping off a band-aid, even though he knew this would break Simon apart.  
  
"There's no... Rose doesn't exist, Simon."  
  
And there it was. Simon stopped smiling, and drawing his arm back slowly, he frowned.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"She was a product of your imagination, Simon," Raphael replied, keeping his voice calm and even, keeping it professional too even though Simon was looking at him like he had just broken him.  
  
"What are you talking about? We were at–"  
  
"You were attacked," Raphael went on, trying with all his might to make him understand while breaking his heart in the process. "A warlock. He attacked you and put you into a coma. Whatever you most desired, that was what you dreamed of."  
  
Simon stared at him, wide eyed and silent.

"You were with Clary," Raphael said, swallowing the lump that was threatening to choke him, "she was trying to escape with the soul sword, and you were with her to help her, I assume. Sebastian was following her, and he had a warlock working for him. He... He was supposed to attack Clary, but you got in the way and– The spell put you into a coma, making you dream whatever you most wanted, making it hard to wake you up."

Simon kept staring at him, his mouth half open and while Raphael wasn't hearing any answer, he could actually see Simon putting two and two together, figuring everything out and how his eyes, once alight when he woke up, were now dimmed by knowing that it was all lies. A trick by his mind and hopeful heart.

"We tried to wake you up." Raphael needed to keep talking because the silence was killing him; the kind of silence that didn't brew anything good. "But you were in too deep and it was–"

"How long?"

Raphael swallowed. "What do you mean?"

"How long was I out?"

"Three months."

Simon nodded, averting his gaze just so Raphael wouldn't see the tears welling up in his eyes

"So, that means that the last 6 months of my life were something I just dreamed of." 

Raphael opened his mouth to give an honest answer, but the words died down right there. Was it fair to break him like this? To break his heart like that. Even when he claimed to be fair, this wasn't that. Simon didn't deserve to be attacked and be manipulated to the point that everything that he'd believed in was a lie, a projection of his imagination and his desires. And it had to be Raphael to land the final blow? None of this was fair.

And yet, he wouldn't let anyone else to do it. But it didn't mean it was easy.

"Be honest with me," Simon whispered, still with his gaze anywhere but on Raphael.

"Yes," Raphael replied, even when he himself felt something break within him. He swallowed. "It wasn't real."

Raphael was ready for screams, for Simon to look at him with hate in his eyes, to throw a fit, to even tell him to leave the room but nothing prepared him for what came next.

“I told you I love you.”

The lump he’d been trying to swallow down, came back full force. He felt like he had been punched in the chest multiple time these past months but this time he felt it the most. Simon loved him.

“I did,” Simon said, nodding to himself, “or maybe it was to the version I had in my head.”

From a moment to the next, Raphael was kneeling next to Simon, maybe trying to be somewhat close to support him but how could he be supportive when he was the source of this pain? He was the one who decided to strip that happiness from Simon as a selfish act, because that was what he was: selfish.

“Simon–”

“And then,” Simon cut him off, whipping his head to look at him, “I just watched you die and I couldn’t… Lily killed you and if that was all in my head, then I must be fucked up to think that Lily would do something like that.”

“I’m sure something went wrong; it wasn’t supposed to–”

“But it happened,” Simon said with a finality in his voice. “It happened and I just– what’s real now? Am I supposed to just forget about it? Pretend it didn’t happen?”

Raphael shook his head, trying to swallow his own pain. “I’m not asking you to do that. I would never do that.”

Simon nodded and then, tears were streaming down his face. For the second time that day, Raphael watched Simon cry while he stood there, helpless, being the reason for all this pain. Instead of feeling relived, like he’d been sure he would feel, Raphael felt helpless. He had Simon back again and he had no idea how to help him, how to be there for him when he’d been absent all this time.

“Now I’m back in a world where you hate me, where you put a bounty on my head and I still sleep in a garage because–“ Simon choked on his words, covering his mouth for a second, more tears rolling down, “–I fucked up. I fucked up big time, thinking it was better to help set free a woman like Camille instead of listening to you, the one who knows better.”

“Simon, I don’t hate you. I… _God_ , I could never hate you. You’re a fledging, you are supposed to make mistakes.”

“It’s a mistake that cost me a family. Two families, in fact.” Simon shook his head, while Raphael was trying to not bring himself down to tears. Seeing Simon like this was breaking him in pieces. “Would you ever feel the same way about me?”

“You love the version you have in your head,” Raphael whispered. He couldn’t help himself but to voice the truth of this damned situation. “And I’m not sure that I can live up to the expectations.”

Simon nodded, understanding, even though Raphael knew that the young vampire had a lot more to say; that the answer just destroyed him a little bit more, just like it was for Raphael.

“Could you give me a minute? I need some time to process this.”

“Yes, of course,” Raphael replied, standing up. “Take all the time you need.”

Not waiting for Simon’s agreement, Raphael walked out of the living room and, ignoring Magnus’ call to come back, Raphael used his speed to even walk out of the building because he believed that if he put some distance between them, 

maybe he wouldn’t feel this choking pain that was eating him faster than the vampire venom in his veins.

But it was all useless.

All of his fears were coming true; he was sure that at some point Simon would realize that that life he created was better than the real one, that there was a Raphael that could give him whatever he wanted and give back that love unconditionally.

Raphael wanted to believe that he could too, love Simon like that. He was sure that he was already at that point but there was too much water under the bridge to really be that happy couple that Simon had imagined a million times.

They weren’t that. They couldn’t be.

With the streetlights and the moon being his only companion in that moment, Raphael let his tears roll down freely and cried at the injustice of it all.

  
  
  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't wait for you guys to read chapter 16. It's J U I C Y


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

After leaving the living room, Magnus, Alexander and Clary stood in the entryway. They still could hear Raphael and Simon’s conversation but at least they could give them some semblance of privacy.

They were all tired; Magnus felt the most drained of all of them even when he hadn’t used magic to keep the potion going, but the sleepless nights and the _what ifs,_ the doubt of whether Simon would make it out alive or not was enough to keep him awake and judging by the purple eye bags that Clary and Alexander were sporting, Magnus would say that they felt the same.

“I’m glad he’s awake but I have to ask. What was that?” Clary asked, in a hushed voice. “That wasn’t part of the plan.”

Both Clary and Alexander looked at him expectantly.

“It got complicated.”

That was an understatement, Magnus realized. None of what had happened was part of his plan to get Alexander and Simon out of the dream.

“I know,” Alexander butted in, “it wasn’t even my nightmare and I was scared. What happened?”

“I have the suspicion that the spell Simon was under got mixed up with the potion I gave him. I thought with the potion it would be enough," Magnus explained, "but I didn't count on the fact that maybe the spell would mix with the potion. The spell was for whatever Simon desired the most and the potion was for a nightmare; they combined."

"And he saw whatever he was most afraid of," Alexander finished for him.  
  
Magnus nodded, reluctantly. It wasn't something that he’d thought about before and his mistake was looking at him dead in the eye for not thinking this through.

“My plan was to shake the hotel a little, scared him out, in case he wouldn’t listen to you since we were running out of time but I never thought this would happen.” This was beyond his expertise, but he’d thought he could pull it through. How naïve of him. “I just hope it wasn’t as bad on him as it looked and didn’t damage him for good.”

Alexander placed his hand on Magnus’ arm, trying to comfort him because at least he knew that Magnus had tried as best as he could, but he wondered if that was enough.  
  
"But it should be fine now, right? He woke up." Clary sounded hopeful and the last thing Magnus wanted was to burst her bubble.  
  
"That depends on him," Magnus said instead. " We can try to help convince him that this is the real world but ultimately, it depends on him to believe us."  
  
"We all saw the life he had. I don't know if that's possible,” Alexander pointed out.  
  
"Well," Clary started, "we've been waiting for this for three months now. We should just keep trying."  
  
And Magnus would agree if the circumstances were different but the problem that they had was complicated. Magnus didn't expect Simon to forget about that life in an instant; it was nearly impossible, especially when they knew that Simon had been truly happy and he would probably think that they stole something valuable from him. Raphael had voiced those concerns but they had still gone through with it.  
  
It was a problem of convincing him to live this life, the real one and Magnus doubted that Simon could accept it.  
  
But before he could voice all of this, Raphael was storming out of the living room and going directly to the front door, ignoring his calls.They all exchanged one look, no words were needed for them to know that Magnus had to find Raphael while Alexander and Clary had to take their turns at talking to Simon and maybe softening the blow that his "old life" was just his imagination playing tricks on him.  
  
Magnus knew that Raphael wouldn't go very far, not when Simon was still there, recovering from the spell. When he finally made it outside the building, Raphael was standing there, not too far from the entrance, his back turned to Magnus. He didn't turn, even though he knew Magnus was there and Magnus wasn't going to force him to face him when he in his most vulnerable moment.  
  
"I find it hard to believe he's awake," Magnus said gently, conversationally, so as not to spook him. Raphael could close off on him at any minute and that was the last thing Magnus wanted. "But we made it."  
  
Without turning, Raphael just shook his head, no words whatsoever. Magnus sighed; it was hard on Raphael, Magnus knew that, of course he knew. No one should have to watch a loved one being happy with a copycat of themselves and wonder if they could bring the same happiness, if they were enough to do so.  
  
But Magnus would try because he needed Raphael to speak to him and if what he needed was a shoulder to cry on, then Magnus would offer his in a heartbeat.  
  
"Talk to me," Magnus pleaded, after a beat of silence. "I know this isn't easy."  
  
"I can't." Another beat. "It's too much."  
  
Magnus nodded; that was a start. "We just have to give him some time, maybe after–"  
  
"There's no after, Magnus," Raphael cut him off, this time turning around.   
  
And what Magnus saw, would be imprinted in his brain for a long time. Raphael wasn't one to show weakness, to be vulnerable and if that ever happened, it was because he was suffering but would choose to suffer alone if he had the opportunity. Today that wasn't the case. Today, Raphael turned around with tears-stained cheeks, eyes bloodshot; those shoulders that would usually be straight in confidence and pride, were hunched; his suit was wrinkled, something that in other circumstances would never ever happen. Raphael was broken; it was an image that sent him back to those first years when Raphael had just turned and Magnus could have hoped to live long enough to see his boy happy, or at least satisfied with his new life.  
  
 Today, all of that was stolen.  
  
"There's no after," Raphael repeated, his voice breaking at the last word. "I can't give him a family because he lost it. He lost the family he really wants. His mom, his sister. That's what he wants, he might not say it now but... I'm not that. That kid, it was our daughter, Magnus. A daughter! Where on Earth am I going to get him that?"  
  
"That just means he wants that with you."  
  
"Yes, in a perfect world! Not this–" Raphael waved his hands widely, "–this world where downworlders get killed just because of their mere existence."  
  
Magnus pressed his lips together tightly. "That might be true, but, Raphael, he just woke up. You can't expect him to forget all about that life right now. It was six months for him. You have to be patient."

There was a beat of silence, where he could only hear Raphael's faint sniffs. His gaze was everywhere but on Magnus, his jaw tight and muscles moving, as if he was mulling over what he was going to say next. Magnus waited; the last thing his boy needed was to be alone, even if that was what he wanted.  
  
"He told me he loves me."  
  
Magnus let himself to be shocked for a moment, eyes wide and mouth open, and then he composed himself because there was nothing to be surprised about, not after three months of watching Simon giving the Raphael of his dreams heart eyes.  
  
"You sound surprised," Magnus pointed out, but it sounded more like a question. "Are you surprised?"  
  
"Shouldn't I be? After I kicked him out and pretty much told the clan to kill him on sight, I shouldn't even be in that dream. I don't get it."  
  
Magnus nodded, but that didn't quite answer his question. He took a step forward. "What about you?"  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"Well, he told you he loves you. What about you?"  
  
Raphael opened his mouth and closed it right away, and for a moment he 

looked helpless. He knew the answer, it was right there, they both knew that but it would take more than a heart to heart for Raphael to straight up admit what they both knew.  
  
"I don't know," Raphael said instead  
  
Magnus chuckled softly, not surprised by the answer. He'd come to pair that answer with denial. Alexander had said that too and the next thing he knew, they were kissing at his wedding; call him experienced in the subject.  
  
Maybe it was too soon for Raphael to admit it and he would respect that. Simon had six months to come to that realization, Raphael might as well take a lifetime.  
  
"You know," Magnus took another step closer to the clan leader, "for someone who doesn't harbor any feelings for someone, you took a long time to answer."  
  
Raphael stared at him for a minute, pressing his lips.   
  
"I don't know how we got into this conversation." He shook his head. "My feelings are not important, anyways."

"My sweet boy, how could you even say that?" Magnus said in disbelief. Raphael's feelings were as important as bringing Simon back, at least in his eyes. Magnus was conscious of the fact that Raphael would be devastated if he'd lost Simon for good. "There's nothing more important to me than how you feel and maybe things look bleak right now, but you have to give him time."

Because they were. Bleak and messy too. Magnus could bet that Simon's memories were all over the place and that he couldn't tell what was real or not, that nothing was certain, not even his thoughts. But they needed to be here for him, to help him and it would take time. However, Raphael had to be there because that was the only constant that Simon had and in order to do so; Raphael needed to be composed.

Magnus took another step and when he was within arm’s reach, he placed his hand on Raphael’s cheek, brushing away a stray tear and left his hand there until Raphael was leaning into the touch.

“ _You_ need to give yourself some time. You deserve that same kind of happiness.”

And despite everything, despite how things were looking, and that they didn’t know where to begin to fix this, Raphael looked hopeful. Simon would feel normal again, like he truly belonged here and if everything turned out right, Raphael would get to live that dream.

“Let’s get inside.” Magnus nodded encouragingly until Raphael agreed with him.

They would get through this. Magnus was sure of that.

 

 

∞

 

 

In hindsight, Simon should have known that it was too good to be true.

Funny thing was that he had had his suspicions, his gut had told him that something was off the moment that he’d woken up in that dream, but everything had felt so real, so natural, like he was supposed to be there, that Simon had decided to ignore it and just follow his heart and feelings. How naïve of him.

As awful as it sounded, very few downworlders got to live a life like that: form a family and stop living in fear. It was just for the lucky ones. He wondered if he would ever get to have that opportunity again now that he was awake, but the chances were slim. Clary had put him up to speed: he’d spent three months on Magnus’ sofa and before that, he’d been living in Luke’s garage, meaning that now he had probably lost the last of his possessions and had nowhere else to go. He had already overextended his stay at Magnus’, so that wasn’t a choice anymore and the Institute was off limits.

Things were looking awful from his end.

After he’d asked Raphael to give him a minute, Clary came back to the living room with Alec. It was safe to say that things were on the odd side with the shadowhunter and he’d noticed that too, so Clary had decided that maybe they should just go for a walk and they could talk.

And that was where they were. He sighed deeply, getting Clary’s attention.

“Something on your mind?” She asked.

Simon could laugh at the question. “What’s _not_ on my mind right now?” He immediately regretted it when Clary looked hurt for a second, lowering her gaze. He shook his head; they were all trying to help him and instead, he was acting like an asshole. “I’m sorry.”

Clary shook her head instead, looking up. “No, you shouldn’t be. That was a stupid question. I’m the one who should apologize.”

“Clary–”

“No, listen,” Clary demanded, going as far as to take his arm and stop him from walking farther, “I am sorry. Deeply. I thought that– Hell, I don’t even know what I was thinking but I was wrong.”

“You were just trying to do the right thing.” He shrugged, trying to wave the subject away. “You believed it was the right thing to do.”

“And look at what happened. You weren’t supposed to be there.”

There was some truth in there. First and foremost, Simon was a vampire, a downworlder and the soul sword was a shadowhunters’ business. But Simon had been so caught up in his late feelings for Clary that he’d thought that maybe helping her would give him brownie points. Deep down, somewhere along the line, he’d realized that the only person who could really make him stutter and make him go completely dumb was another vampire who, at the moment, couldn’t even look at him.

He wasn’t supposed to have been there, and yet he was because he’d also believed that Clary was doing something good, something right and Simon wanted to be part of it. That had backfired, for sure. It seemed that all of his attempts to help had backfired on him horribly.

“I shouldn’t help you anymore, right?” He chuckled, trying to be funny but the pained expression on his best friend’s friend was enough to shut him up.

“I’m sorry, Simon. I’m sorry that I dragged you into this world and you got the brunt of it. I was so caught up with finding my mom that I didn’t think of you and what you were going through with Camille. And then I told you we had to free her, and you got banned from the clan and now this. It’s always been my fault.”

He opened his mouth, ready to reassure her, to tell her it was fine, like always. But it wasn’t fine. It was all fucked up. He’d let himself be guided by his own feelings and ended up as a vampire while Clary got a whole institution to back her up. They ended up on different sides, sides who had been enemies for decades. And she had really believed that with the power of impulsiveness and sheer luck, she could erase decades old-hate. It didn’t work like that.

The facts were simple. He’d followed her lead, got himself into some kind of dream spell, spent three months asleep and not ever, not once had he dreamt about his mom and sister. Why, he didn’t know. It was all just Raphael and a fake family.

His mind was all over the place, he didn’t know what was right or wrong, what was _real_ and it was really fucked up.

“I can’t– I don’t…” He huffed, at a loss for words. What could he say anyways? It was all too much and he didn’t have the mind to try and find an answer. It was 

better to be honest. “I don’t know what to say. I guess it’s my fault too, for following you around. I should have stopped when I met Jace and his glowing stick.”

She snorted a wet laugh. Tears were already rolling down her cheeks. “I just hope you don’t hate me after this.”

“What? No, of course not. Yes, we fucked up big time and it was mutual but that doesn’t mean that I hate you. I would never.” She nodded but Simon knew her; she wasn’t convinced, at all, but his words were true. He could never hate her. “I’m going to be fine. I’ll sort this out.”

She nodded again but it was as if she looked frightened that Simon would snap at any moment and tell her off, which it wouldn’t happen, at least not right there. So, without any doubts in his mind, he opened his arms waiting for Clary to fall into his arms and hug her. The moment they were flush together, Clary started crying, hanging on his shirt for dear life, telling him how sorry she was again and again between sobs but that she was so glad to have him back.

Simon hugged her tightly and while he was choked up for words– nothing could come out– this was real. Felt real.

But it would take some time for him to say that he was glad to be back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry :)


	13. Chapter 13

They returned to the loft pretty late, close to sunrise. Raphael was nowhere to be seen; Simon assumed that he went back to the loft or maybe he was in one of the spare rooms. Whatever it was, it was better than him being here, where Simon would have to see him. Simon didn’t have it in him to face him, not yet.

Clary said her goodbyes, promising to come back later that day when he felt rested. They hugged once again, had another round of apologies, and then Clary was leaving.

Looking around the living room where he’d apparently spent the past three months asleep, Simon still couldn’t wrap his mind around the whole ordeal. Now that he was alone, he needed to think this through. First and foremost, according to Clary, the spell was for him to dream about the things he most desired; if that was the case, then why hadn’t he dreamt about his mom, his sister, his old life? What happened to that? Didn’t he care about them? And

why, at a subconscious level, was Raphael more important than his mom? Maybe there was a glitch in that so-called spell.

The thing was, the dream couldn’t fake feelings, could it? Sure, they had had something going on when he’d first moved in at the DuMort but that was before he’d freed Camille and after that, there had been no relationship to talk about. Could it be that the spell had taken the last remnants of those feelings and made them bigger than they were? And Raphael had ended up being more important than his mom, if that was possible.

But he wouldn't do anything about it at the moment. Everyone was probably asleep or gone and even though he'd spent three months sleeping, he felt tired. Drained. He still needed to understand what had happened and probably find another place to stay. It was too much information, so the moment he touched the pillow, he was out.

The last thing on his mind before completely falling asleep was that he needed to talk to Raphael. 

 

 

∞

 

 

It was funny how he'd spent six months living a perfect life that turned out to be a dream from a spell. Deep down, Simon had wondered if he would go back to that dream once he fell asleep again but jokes on him because that didn't happen. He'd dreamed about it but it was more of a memory, something he'd already lived— but he hadn’t actually lived, not really. It was messing with his head and it didn't help that it would end with Raphael's death.

How could he talk to Raphael about all of this when the only thing that he could see was him lying on the floor in a pool of blood?  He needed to stop thinking about that, forget all about that dream once and for all.

His thoughts were stopped abruptly when he heard voices coming from the kitchen.

Perks of being a vampire: he could hear _everything._ It was a wonder he that he hadn’t woken up sooner because everyone was _loud_. Alec and Magnus were talking in hushed voices, but it was impossible to _not_ hear. Involuntary eavesdropping, he would say.

Magnus was saying he was worried about Raphael because of what he saw while Alec was worried about Simon, that maybe he would never move past his dream. 

Simon hoped he would someday.

He sighed and for the first time in six months, he really felt like he didn't need to. It was odd, to say the least, because he’d gotten used to it and he should have noticed before, but he had been so caught up in his own bliss to notice something as basic as breathing. However, now that he was fully awake, he could remember some things: the more obvious, the breathing and the ability to walk under the sun. The fact that he had never craved for blood and never felt hunger, that combined with the fact that no vampire had been drinking blood. In fact, in six months, he never saw anyone eat a thing. And, the one that hurt the most: Rose didn’t exist.

Not to mention his feelings about Raphael; those were complicated and he wasn’t sure if he could label those as _fake._

"Good. You're awake."

Startled, he looked at his side where Magnus and Alec were standing. Both were sporting dark purple eye bags, they still looked tired, but Simon wanted to believe that after he was gone, they would get back to their normal lives. As normal as a shadowhunter and a warlock could have.

"Yeah, well, I forgot what it was like to have enhanced hearing." Because his subconscious decided to fool him. He sat up. “How did you guys sleep?”

They shared a look between them and then Magnus shrugged. “Could have been better.”

Simon nodded. Nothing in their lives as part of the downworld was easy, not even sleep. Magnus sat down in the love seat in front of him while Alec lingered back. By the way he was standing– shoulders straight, arms crossed, feet wide apart–, he was taking this as a shadowhunter issue and while that bothered Simon a little, he figured that maybe Alec really didn’t want to be involved in this.

“It still sounds crazy to me, you know?” Simon commented, while Magnus kept his gaze focused on him. “And I don’t know what’s real or not. I mean, six months is a lot of time to then call it fake, right?”

“Well,” Magnus started, crossing a leg over the other, “we don’t expect you to forget all about it right away. You have to give it some time.”

“Yeah but how long?” Simon pressed on. This couldn’t last forever, he couldn’t live like this, thinking about a daughter he’d never had, a family that he’d lost, his feelings for Raphael that probably were fake too, Lily killing Raphael– That couldn’t be his life. “Even thinking about the clan or Raphael, makes me think about a life that I thought I had but it was just a product of my imagination and I 

know how that sounds, it’s just a dream, I should just forget about it and move on but I… I can’t and I’m not sure if waking up was the best thing.”

Magnus didn’t look one bit surprised about his confession, it was more of like he was expecting it, which in turn made Simon surprised. Well, he was surprised by even his own words. Did he really mean that? Did he want to go back? They had spent months trying to wake him up and this was how Simon was repaying them?

_But you didn’t ask for this,_ a voice said inside his head. Simon shook his head; that wasn’t the way to think about all of this. He should be grateful.

“You don’t look surprised,” Simon pointed out when Magnus didn’t speak. “Why?”

“I know it would happen sooner or later,” Magnus explained. “You were gone for three months, six for you, and that’s enough time for you to get comfortable. That was short-sighted of us. But we didn’t know how to wake you up.”

“What about your magic?”

“The spell blocked me from doing anything.”

Simon nodded again, not really wanting to get into details. Details led to his dream and the last thing he wanted to do was to reminiscence about everything that had happened and how it had ended.

“What now?” Simon asked when the silenced dragged on.

“That’s up to you, Simon. What do you want to do now?”

That was a good question, a question that he didn’t have an answer to. He didn’t know what to do, or what he wanted, or what was supposed to be the next step for him. For lack of better words, he was stuck between a dream life and the real one.

“Well, I think I should find my own place, for starters. I’m sure you want me out of here.”

Magnus shook his head. “Not at all. You can stay here as long as you want. I don’t have plans to kick you out, Simon.”

Of that he was grateful because asking Raphael to go back to the hotel wasn’t an option and even if it were, he wasn’t sure that he could take it. He wanted to go back but he was afraid that it would mess with his head even more.

“I should find a place,” Simon insisted, shaking his head, “I can’t depend on you.”

Knowing Magnus, he would keep insisting that it was no trouble but before he could speak, there was a knock on the door.

Since Alec was the one standing, he turned around and went to get the door. Simon couldn’t hear anything; he supposed Alec knew who the newcomer was since there was no exchange of words.

Nothing prepared him to see Raphael standing there, looking at him with worried eyes but not coming closer. He was grateful for the distance because he wasn’t sure if he wanted the clan leader close to him.

“Raphael, I thought you had some things to figure out back at the hotel.” Magnus frowned, turning in the love seat. “I wasn’t expecting you to come back.”

“Yes. I… Had to,” Raphael replied slowly, like he wasn’t sure how to phrase that. He, then, turned to Simon, who did everything in his power not to flinch and to keep his gaze steady on Raphael. “You can come back, if you want to.”

“What do you mean?” If his voice came a little shaky, no one pointed it out.

“The clan wouldn’t mind having you back. They know you made a mistake and they are willing to have you back as part of the clan,” Raphael replied, but his gaze was flickering between Magnus and Simon, like he was looking for some kind of support in Magnus.

He surprised himself feeling a little hurt that it wasn’t Raphael saying that _he_ wanted Simon back. But it had to be his feelings still mixed up in the potion, the dream, his feelings for the Raphael that he’d had in his head because while the vampire was worried about him, the extent of his feelings weren’t love and Simon was just confused.

“Will they forgive me?” Simon asked, even though what he wanted to ask was if _Raphael_ would ever forgive him for his mistakes, if that was ever possible. Raphael just nodded

“Well,” Magnus started, bringing their attention to him, “look at the bright side. You don’t have to find another place.”

Simon nodded but he wasn’t convinced, not yet. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“I’m not going to leave you alone, Simon. Not again. You’re still my responsibility and if I can prevent something like this from happening again, then yes, it’s a good idea,” Raphael assured him, his gaze focused solely on Simon.

He pressed his lips tightly, his gaze going downwards, considering everything. Going back to the DuMort could mess with his head even more; there were a lot of memories in those halls, even though they weren’t real and— _Lily._ He would see her again. Was he ready for that? Could he even face her?  Act like nothing had happened, like the sole thing of thinking about her didn’t bring up the image of Raphael lying on the floor— _Dead. Raphael is dead._

“Hey.”

Startled, he looked up. Raphael was kneeling in front of him while Magnus and Alec were standing close by, like there were ready for _something._

“I lost you for a second there.” Raphael’s voice was a whisper. “Stay with me.”

Simon nodded and gulped, trying to get rid of those images in his head. “I’m fine. I just have a lot in my head.”

Raphael nodded at him; worry was a permanent feature at this point. “I need to know if you want to go back.”

He stared at Raphael, mulling over his next words. He had to be honest with himself; despite the trouble in his head, there was nothing else he wanted at the moment. He wanted to be part of something so badly and he had that, no matter that they were vampires. He’d lost his mom and sister; he didn’t have the luxury of losing another family that was welcoming him with open arms. Again.

He was afraid, of course he was. Facing Lily was his greatest fear. That Raphael was lying to him was a close second. But then again, he didn’t have anywhere else to go and he wanted to mend his relationship with the clan. He wanted to earn their forgiveness too.

So, with nothing else to add, Simon nodded, knowing that Raphael would understand. Raphael stood up and went to Magnus to talk about something else, walking away, while Alec came closer and sat next to him.

“I’m sure it’s a great idea that you go back to the clan,” Alec commented, his gaze not really on Simon. “It’ll be good for you.”

Simon wasn’t 100% sure about that but he would try anyways.

“I guess I should thank you,” Simon said, after a beat of silence. When Alec raised an eyebrow at him, Simon continued, “for pulling me out. It ended up being a nightmare.”

Alec shook his head vehemently, looking far more serious than before. “I was taking care of you, like any other shadowhunter should do. I should apologize instead. I was so caught up in my own drama, Clary showing up and Jace 

giving her heart eyes, that I completely forgot my duties: taking care of the mundanes.”

“Alec, that’s really not necessary–”

“No, but it is,” Alec cut him off, a finality in his voice that didn’t leave space for argument. “I should have taken care of you; I know the first signs of a mundane turning into a vampire and I was negligent with you simply because you were Clary’s friend. If I had been a better shadowhunter, I could have prevented you getting into this world. I’m sorry.”

“People keep forgetting that I was the one following Clary around,” Simon said, not ready to give up this conversation just yet. “I’m the one who should have stopped when I first came to the Institute and met all of you. I fucked up too, Alec. We all did, I guess.”

Alec nodded because he knew that Simon was right.

“But my words are true. I’m still sorry, and for what it’s worth, I’m here for whatever you need, just let me know.”

Simon really appreciated that. He could use a friend too.

After that, Magnus and Raphael came back. Magnus started saying that he would open up a portal for them and even though Raphael protested, it was decided, and Magnus wouldn’t take no for an answer, while Raphael kept protesting that it wasn’t necessary. Despite the bizarre situation, Simon felt himself smile a little watching Magnus and Raphael’s interactions, the semblance of his previous life back.

With goodbyes and last minute thank yous, and reassurances from both Magnus and Alec that they would help them in whatever they needed, Simon and Raphael went inside the portal.

Simon wasn’t ready but he would try. He didn’t want to lose the clan again.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And from here and out, there will be new characters. Clan members, let me hear a wahoo!! And the different dynamics and how they respond when they see Simon...... J U I C Y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

The portal opened right outside the hotel's door. It didn't fail to make Simon feel nostalgic, but he was also apprehensive because of the next step. Raphael had said that the clan was willing to forgive, and Simon really wanted to believe that, but he wasn't naïve enough to think that everyone would forget. Vampires were immortals and wouldn't forget easily.  
  
He looked at Raphael; maybe this was the golden opportunity to say something.  
  
Before Raphael could move towards the door, Simon caught him by his arm and held him there. There was a moment where neither of them moved or said anything. And it was such an odd thing for him because Simon had gotten used to being this close, _intimate,_ with Raphael but now he was aware that it wasn’t a common thing for them outside the dream. In fact, Simon could feel how tense Raphael was and with that thought in mind, Simon released him.

A moment went by, still in silence, until Raphael finally turned around and their gazes connected.  
  
And it hurt. It hurt realizing that there wasn't any speck of the love that Simon had seen these past few months; it hurt knowing that it had been his mind playing tricks on him and what he was really seeing was just regret in Raphael's eyes. Despair.  
  
Simon let his arm fall and swallowed thickly.   
  
"I just... Before we go in, I wanted to thank you," Simon said, trying to keep his voice even.  
  
"What for?"  
  
"For everything. For staying with me this whole time. For having my back after–" he stopped himself, letting his mind drift to what had happened before he had gotten attacked. To when he had let Camille go, when he had talked to Aldertree about other vampire's dens, when he had basically taken Raphael's trust for granted. He let himself be ashamed. "–After everything."  
  
"Simon, there's no need." Raphael sounded tired and looked tired. "You don't have to do this."  
  
"But I have to. Someday, we have to talk." There was a lot left unsaid between them and if this— the treason, Camille, Aldertree, the spell— wasn't enough of a reason to talk, then Simon didn't know what was. "What I told you before..."  
  
Raphael shook his head. "It was the spell talking."  
  
There was some truth in that. This whole issue was just one big and calculated spell that made him believe in a better life, so for Simon to bring whatever feelings he had had there to his real life and throw them at Raphael, hoping that those feelings were mutual, wasn’t fair. So, Simon dropped the subject but

knowing that they still needed to talk. With nothing else to say, they went inside.  
  
Finding the lobby empty was more common than anything else. Of course, a little part of him was expecting to see a few of them hanging around but that would be uncommon, especially when it was _him_ that was coming back. The fledging that betrayed the clan for a foolish crush.

“Is the hotel empty?” Simon asked, still looking around.

When he finally looked at Raphael, he was already looking at him. “You can’t feel them?” Raphael asked.

Simon shook his head. “Should I?”

Raphael looked surprised for a second but it was over before Simon could dwell on it. Raphael shrugged. “I guess not. You didn’t spend too much time with us to make a strong bond with the clan.”

He said it so nonchalantly, no ill feelings behind it. Raphael was as objective as ever but that didn’t stop Simon from feeling like he didn’t deserve to be back, not after everything that had happened. Guilt was a common occurrence, he supposed.

“A good opportunity as ever to change that, I suppose,” Raphael offered, smiling a little bit.

And Simon had to swallow the bitter taste that was almost choking him, and smiled back.

"I thought I heard some unnecessary breathing."

Simon turned around to see the newcomer and couldn't help but smile. The vampire before him, Stella, was one of the best when it came to training fledglings like himself. The amount of patience she had could compete with how old she was, but they never talked about that. Besides being a great teacher, she was someone that you could really pour your heart out to and be confident that you would get amazing advice.  

"Old habits die hard," Simon replied, his smile widening. He was glad that she was still living here.   
  
She snorted and then shook her head. Without prompting, she moved forward until she was close enough to grab him and hug him, squeezing him just enough for Simon to feel that she meant it.  
  
"I missed you, fledgling," Stella whispered against his ear.

He swallowed the tears, the words, the pain and everything, and let himself feel this moment.  "It's good to be back. For sure."  
  
"I'm surprised you're back," she said when they broke the hug.   
  
He frowned. He was here because they all wanted him back, right?   
  
Stella looked over his shoulder while Simon was trying to word his thoughts without sounding mean, but she was back to looking at him and smiled a little bit more.   
  
"Well, you're here and that's really what matters," Stella continued. Even though the comment was odd, Simon was still too caught up in being back to really dwell on it.   
  
"Is Lily busy?" Raphael asked, from behind him.  
  
Simon ignored the chill that ran down his spine just from hearing that name. He turned just enough to look at Raphael. But personal issues aside, he wasn't surprised that Lily had taken the clan leader position while Raphael had been with him; as his second in command, it was part of her responsibilities.   
  
Stella nodded. "She told me she would spend her night talking to the Chicago clan. It seems that their blood supply is running out."  
  
"And they want to send some of their members here, I imagine."  
  
She nodded again. "Since you're here, it's better for you to be there with her before Lily tells them off."

Raphael nodded but still looked at Simon expectantly, probably waiting for Simon to tell him if it was okay for him to leave and attend Clan's business. Simon wasn't naive, he had known that the moment they were back to the hotel, Raphael would have to get to his leader position instead of babysitting him. It was fine, he could take care of himself, so he nodded back, hoping that Raphael would understand that he was really fine.

"Okay, then. I'm going to talk to them and..." Raphael trailed off, his gaze wandering to where Stella was standing, sending her a meaningful look.

She shook her head. "No problem. I can take care of the fledgling."

At this, Simon frowned. "Are you talking about me? I'm sure you're talking about me."

She smirked at him but other than that, she kept her words to herself. Simon acted all tough but in reality, he didn't want to be alone. These hallways reminded him of what he had had, the same ones where he’d seen Rose running around countless times. He and Raphael had held hands walking down these same hallways. The ones where that fateful night, Lily– 

"Hey, are you okay?"

Stella's voice pulled him out of his thoughts while shaking him a little bit. When he focused on his surroundings, Raphael was nowhere to be seen. It was just him and Stella.

"I lost you there for a second. Are you okay?" 

Simon nodded but Stella still looked at him with concern. He needed to get his shit together because having one episode after another wasn't the life he needed at the moment. His life was far from normal but daydreaming about his _dream_ was a reach.

She hummed and maybe there was something on his face that told her not to press on the matter. Maybe he was paler than before, maybe he looked like he was going to throw up or the simple fact that he couldn't be subtle and that his trauma was reflected all over his face. Whatever it was, bless her non-beating heart because she kept her opinions to herself.

"Come with me, there are some fledglings I want to introduce you," Stella commented, while starting to walk to where the elevators were located. They had super speed so for them to use them, it was just the vampires being extra _extra_. Simon couldn't say he didn't like the idea.

"Meet them? That's a first." He followed her, keeping his gaze on her to avoid any memories that the hallway could trigger.

"Oh, that's because you spent your time with the shadowhunters. It wasn't like we could force you spend time with us." She said it matter-of-fact, very objective on her part and there was no resentment whatsoever. She just pointed it out and yet, Simon felt like she had just gone straight to his heart to really kill him. When she realized what she had said, she turned just enough to throw him an apologetic look. "Sorry."

Simon just shrugged and took it in stride. It was true, he had spent more time with the shadowhunters back when he had turned into a vampire because, again, following Clary to the end of the world had seemed like a better idea than to spend time with basically dead people, and he regretted missing out on some wonderful people.

"Well," she continued, not letting the comment be the start of an awkward- but well deserved- moment between them, "I think they need to be encouraged from someone who's still a fledgling but trying their best."

"If I'm being honest, I don't know what I'm doing. Being a vampire is way over my head," he mused; the induced coma was a prime example of that.

"Nobody knows, Simon," she replied, shrugging after that. They went inside the elevator. "That's the beauty of it."

He stared at her for a second, while the doors shut closed and she pushed a button for the 6th floor. Being a vampire was never-ending learning on the go and he hoped that one day he wouldn't be as clueless as he was at the moment.

"Lily told us."

Stella wasn't looking at him, her gaze drawn to the top of the doors where it indicated which floor they were passing. Still, looking at her profile, he could see that the subject was as unpleasant as it was for him. But if he had to talk to someone about it, it might as well be her.

"What did she say?"

"She didn't tell us the details, just that a warlock attacked you and you were in a coma for three months."

They were on the 5th floor.

"And that's why Raphael couldn't be here because he was with you."

"Yeah, I... I don't know why," he whispered, not really knowing what to say. “Clearly, Raphael had better things to do than watching over me.”

Stella hummed. "I think you do, you just don't want to accept it," she replied.

Right at moment, the doors opened, and they were on the 6th floor, where the usual meetings were held in one of the 5 meetings rooms of the floor, cutting off whatever spluttering mess Simon had prepared. Stella went out first and Simon followed her after a moment, the doors closing behind him. 

It was a headache to go over this all the time. Why had Raphael been there? Was it because he’d felt forced to do it out of obligation? Was it pity? Was it because Simon was like a family to him, even after everything that had happened? Because of something else? Simon didn’t know and it didn’t help that Stella wanted to be all mysterious about it.

He was deep into his musings that he didn't realize that Stella had stopped walking and his face crashed right into her back, his head bouncing back from the hit. 

"Sorry, sorry, _sorry_! I didn't see you stopped," he apologized profusely, hoping that she wouldn't get mad at him on the first day. "I'm such a mess, I didn't–"

"Simon." Stella turned around.

That made him stop, not his name but the way she said it. The serious tone that meant something important was coming his way and he should stop talking and listen.

"I'm glad you're back, I really am and you know that I love you like the little brother I never had but as someone who has been a member of this clan for years, I need to know that this time you're staying for good."

"What– Of course I'm staying for good. What makes you think that I wouldn’t?" 

She raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms while she was at it and okay, maybe it was an inappropriate question on his part looking at his past and almost empty promises.

Stella sighed heavily, like what she was going to say was weighing on her shoulders, and if she was showing human habits, then it must be something big. "Listen, you're a good guy and I'm sure you meant well but we don't take it lightly when someone, especially our own kind, betray us. Imagine how we felt when we all knew it was you who freed Camille and then talked about us to Aldertree, a shadowhunter of all people."

He swallowed, feeling guilt, sadness and resentment towards himself for being so naive. For all of his mistakes.

"If you're staying for real this time, please Simon, try to be one of us. Make a real effort."

He nodded; he would try because that was what they deserved after all the fucked-up things he had done. The clan deserved a real effort from him. Raphael deserved that. 

Stella looked at him, searching for something, maybe to see if he was lying but when she didn't find anything, she nodded.

"Come. They are waiting for us."

Simon followed her.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Saphael in this chapter. I wanted to write about the dynamics, introduce some of the members of the clan and even new ones, see how they react with Simon being back. It's not that common to write about the members like this when referring to the clan, so I wanted to explore that. The clan is an essential part of Raphael's life, so I think it's important to explore that.
> 
> Anyways, enough chatter. Here it is.
> 
> Enjoy :)

When they got to the meeting room– which was just a lounge room for the vampires to socialize in– Simon was surprised to see at least 30 members of the clan.

The dead silence that accompanied their entrance was the icing on the cake. Simon had always felt like an outsider, a stranger even when he’d met the people surrounding him, except with Clary and maybe that was the reason why he’d fallen for her. Some part of him told him that he had mixed clinginess with infatuation and that wasn't right.

The thing about Simon and his fellow vampires was that he didn’t know them, not really. He knew them by face, of course, but when it came to know them beyond their names and whatever position they held within the clan, it was lost to Simon. And the truth of the matter was that he hadn’t cared enough to form any type of relationship (besides with Stella and Raphael), always following Clary’s lead and getting himself into business that hadn’t been his.  
  
It was truly a miracle that Raphael had allowed him to come back because he had been a shitty vampire and shittier with his fellow vampires, no questions asked.  
  
"Hey, guys," Simon said, waving his hand, a little awkwardly and smiling a bit.  
  
It wasn't a surprise that no one waved back. Fair enough.  
  
"I thought you'd be a shadowhunter at this point," Joan mused, tilting her head in curiosity. She was older than Raphael, had more time in the clan but had no interest in running it. She looked at him expectantly.  
  
That wasn't a surprise either, that she would ask that.  
  
"Wasn't hot enough," he replied and soon enough, he saw the first smile ever since he’d come into the room. Joan snorted and shook her head.   
  
"We must be cursed if we are vampires and also have to deal with your music at 6 in the morning," came another snide remark from the side of the room.  
  
Simon turned his eyes to the voice. Will, one the older vampires, who had a weird fascination with cigarettes. Morbid too since smoking that much could kill a human.

"I can sing to you only if that's what this is about," Simon bit back.  
  
"Will, don't be an asshole." It was Brianna, a younger vampire, who came two weeks after him. She turned to look at Simon. "I'm glad you're back."

Will rolled his eyes but before he could muster his clap back, someone else beat him to it.

“I, for one, don’t understand why you are back. You seemed very happy to follow the shadowhunters, like a downworlder pet. Much like that Bane guy.”

Simon widened his eyes at that bold remark; the room grew even more silent and everyone looked tense. It wasn’t a secret that Raphael and Magnus were close friends and whoever dared to speak ill of Magnus, there was punishment guaranteed.

“Elliott, the fuck? Shut up!” Joan hissed at him, her eyes a little panicked. “Don’t say shit like that.”

Simon wanted to do the same, but this guy was new to him and it didn’t matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember this Elliott guy. Brown curly hair and emerald green eyes, with their trademark porcelain skin.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” Simon questioned him. It was stupid to ask at this point; for the life of him, he couldn’t remember. At least, he sounded sheepish about it.

Elliott scoffed loudly and rolled his eyes. “I’m disappointed but not surprised. Honestly, I would say it’s a miracle that you at least recognized two of us.”

Simon wasn’t prepared to have someone be vocal about their discomfort with him coming back. He should have known better. Not everyone would be happy.

“What is he doing here anyways, Stella? Why did you bring him here?” Elliott asked, his gaze turning to said woman, completely shutting Simon out.

“I brought him because he’s a good example for the new ones,” she replied, but Simon could see her tense jaw and her straightened shoulders. She was pissed. “You have a problem with that?  Want to talk about it with the clan leader?”

They stared at each other, an internal war just between them until Elliott shrugged and stood up. “Whatever the boss wants, we take it, am I right?”

Stella narrowed her eyes, shoulders still tense. She was probably bracing herself for another snide remark, while Simon still was reeling from the onslaught of discomfort Elliott was giving him. Nothing prepared him when the

guy stood just inches away from him and looking down at him, like having Simon there was a complete disappointment.

“Don’t fuck it up this time,” he whispered but the threat was there. It was both a warning and a promise. Simon didn’t even need clarification, he knew.

Elliott didn’t wait for a reply, he just took off and left the room.

Simon pursed his lips but there wasn’t much that he could do. Elliott had every right to be angry; it wasn’t like Simon had really _tried_ to be an outstanding member of the clan and in only a few weeks of being a member, he’d gotten a bad reputation. Good one.

“I guess he doesn’t like me,” he mused, not at anyone in particular. The rest of the vampires were back to whatever they were doing before Simon had shown up.

“Well, can you blame him? He’s angry that you’re back after what you’ve done.” Stella said, coming to stand next to him. “It’s not a secret that Raphael has a soft spot for you.”

Simon sputtered and turned his head so fast his neck went numb for a second. “That’s not true.”

Stella sent him this _look_ , like Simon was really stupid, and shook her head. “Do you really believe that someone who betrayed us like that would go unpunished?”

He really wanted to say yes only to get out of the spotlight, but he would be a damn fool if he said that. Of course there would be some kind of punishment, getting exiled from the clan being one of them. But going so far as to say _soft spot_ , it was a stretch because it would imply that there were feelings involved and, just like his head and thoughts, his feelings were all over the place. In his dreams, he’d gotten used to his heart beating faster and loudly whenever Raphael had looked at him and now that he was back to the real world, it was back to feeling this void where his heart should be and not knowing what to feel. Perhaps it had all been in his dream and he didn’t actually have feelings for the clan leader. It had been a fluke.

Stella looked at him expectantly, but she realized that she wouldn’t get an answer, mostly because Simon didn’t have one. He couldn’t even answer himself this simple question: _is it real?_

“Let me introduce you to the new members,” she said instead, guiding him to one of the larger sofas in the room. There were three vampires sitting there, looking at their surroundings with wide eyes. _Scared,_ his mind supplied.

When they were closer, Simon could see that they all looked alike. Two girls and a boy, all of them with brown hair; one of the girls had curly long hair, the other had straight hair and the boy had it short. Deep black eyes, it was a little unnerving but young, they all looked so young. They shouldn’t be there at all.

“This is Rebecca, Taylor and Jonah.” Stella sent them a little smile, nodding at them too. “Guys, this is Simon. The guy I’ve told you about.”

Simon waved at them awkwardly, ignoring the pang of nostalgia from hearing his sister’s name, and half expecting for these kids to throw them snide remarks like the rest.

Instead, they waved just as awkwardly at him. And then, silence.

Simon was a chaotic mess on the daily but when it came to new social interactions, his levels of messiness were off the charts and if he had to talk to teenagers, he was bound to be a complete disaster. He sat down on the closest seat to them and really hoped for the best. Stella just walked away, to where Joan was seated, leaving them alone in their silence.

“So, I’m Taylor,” the girl with straight hair said after the silence had drawn out for too long. “I’m in charge of this these two. Stella told us how you fucked up.”

Straight to the point. Simon could survive.

“Well, the short story is that I thought I was doing the right thing, but many would say I was acting stupid.” Some part of him wanted to look good to them but if Stella had already told them what had happened, then Simon could only hope for mending another relationship with these kids.

“She told us that you were in love,” Rebecca chimed in, “is it true?”

If this conversation had taken place a year ago, Simon would have said yes, 100% completely and irremediably in love with Clary but times had changed and whatever love he had for her, was simply friendship.

He shook his head. “I thought I was in love, but it wasn’t that.” Simon swallowed, mulling over his next words. He never thought that he would have to talk about it with the new members. He wasn't ready to be judged this early. "I was... Blindsided. I thought I was doing the right thing by helping this woman. Turns out I wrong and well, Raphael, the clan leader... We didn't see eye to eye on this, and a lot of things for that matter. But I came back and I just hope I can mend my mistakes."

“But you shouldn’t have left in the first place,” Jonah said. It was the first time he’d spoken, so it came as a surprise when he started signing. His voice was a little raspy with disuse, but it was clear to Simon’s ears. Jonah seemed to be learning to use his voice. “Why would you leave all this?”

Before Simon could answer, Rebecca chimed in. “Lily told us you had a family before. That’s why you left?”

“No, she said it was because of a girl. Remember?” Jonah said, looking at Rebecca at this point, not really caring for Simon’s input. He kept signing while talking to her and Rebecca signed to him as well.

“Yeah, but he wanted to be with his family too, but the family doesn’t know he’s a vampire. They wouldn’t get it anyway.” Rebecca shook her head.

Simon’s eyebrows almost touched his hairline, perplexed by the bluntness of the two younger vampires but also because they had pretty much summed up the fallout between Simon and the clan. He’d left the clan because of two women and the family. That was pretty much the plot of his life.

“Can you two let the guy speak? Fuck, chill for a minute.” Taylor hissed while also sending them a glare. When Jonah and Rebecca looked sheepish enough, Taylor rolled her eyes and was back to looking at Simon. “Lily told us what happened to you but that you were always going to have a place here.”

“She said that?” Simon asked, not really coming down from his surprise.

Taylor nodded. “Something about having a soft spot for you? Yeah. So, Stella told us that even though you are older than us, you’re still a mess and that you could help us get used to all of this.”

“I don’t know how,” Simon admitted, looking at all of them. “You guys seemed to have taken this better than I did.”

“Oh, no. We are scared shitless. Don't doubt that. But–" Taylor shrugged, looking at Rebecca and Jonah, then back at Simon, "–we are together, and I think that's what counts.”

“We are blood-related, if you didn’t notice before,” Jonah supplied, waving a hand over his face and over Rebecca and Taylor. “We go way back.”

While Rebecca snorted, Taylor just shook her head but with a fond look in her eyes. Simon smiled back at them; he had noticed. The way they acted between them was something achieved between brothers and sisters who had spent a lot of time together and were raised together. That pang of sadness for his own sister came full force.

But it wasn’t the right time go down memory lane. What was done was done and it was better for his own family not to know where he was, even though sometimes he wished he could just go back to his old house and live with them.

“So, how did three teenagers end up in a half-done hotel and living with a bunch of vampires?”

Nothing could prepare him for what he was going to hear next. Taylor was the oldest by at least 3 years. She was 17 while Rebecca and Jonah were 14. Taylor had basically raised them because their dad had been out of the picture since she was 7 and because of this, their mom had fallen into a chronic sadness and alcohol use. Somehow, child services had never taken them; Taylor thought that maybe their mom knew how to fake sobriety.

An accident that Taylor didn’t want to explain fully, had left Jonah deaf at 13. School had become even harder and there hadn’t been money at all to pay for an interpreter or going to a school that helped his needs. It had been a learning experience for the three of them, teaching themselves ASL by going to the public library and searching for all the books they could find, without their mom in the picture.

Going to school had been harder than before the accident, and since she was the older one and had to take care of her younger siblings, Taylor had left school at 15 and had taken odd jobs that Simon didn’t want to ask about and Taylor didn’t want to explain any further. When she was 16, their mom had finally succumbed to her alcoholism and died in a dark and wet alley. Taylor had found her two days later and since then, they had been roaming the streets until one night they’d met Lily who offered them a new life.

“I thought we were getting kidnapped,” Rebecca said and then shrugged. “It looked better than what we had at the moment.”

“And that’s how we are here. We haven’t met the clan leader yet, so we’re looking forward to that.”

Simon nodded, still caught up in what he had heard. He had always thought that his life was hard because his mom had the same difficulty but now, he could see it was nothing compared to what they had been through. In other circumstances, he wouldn’t have approved of bringing what were basically children to live with a bunch of vampires, but this life was better than to letting them starve in the streets.

Simon was at loss for words and that was something considering he had always prided himself on being someone that could fit small talk into every silence. He sighed. “That was a lot, not going to lie but I’m glad you guys are here. Once you get used to the blood, it’s all good.” He chuckled a little, that was something coming from him. “I’m here for whatever you guys need. I’m still new at this but I survived so that should count.”

They nodded at him. Simon smiled a little and stood up, walking towards where Stella, Will and Joan were seated. Stella was the first one to notice him.

"Hey, how did it go?" Stella asked, fully turning her body towards him.

Simon shrugged and then shook his head, like an afterthought. "I didn't know you guys were going to tell them about the betrayal thing."

"Well..." Stella trailed off, gazing at the others.

"Every new member needs to think that just because they are welcomed, doesn't mean that they get to stab us in the back like that," Will butted in, his voice hardened and looking straight at Simon to get his message across. "When Camille used to rule the clan, no one dared to betray us because that earned them a beheading and then cremation."

Simon swallowed, touching his neck absentmindedly. Maybe it was a good thing, everything Raphael had done to take Camille's place. Granted, he’d had a bounty on his head for the betrayal, but Raphael had never gone through with it. Camille, however…

"Knock it off, will you?" Joan said, catching Will's attention. "As if you didn't fuck up when you were a fledgling. Give him a break."

"Yeah, but not like that and–"

"I'm still here, guys," Simon cut him off, raising his eyebrows meaningfully. At least, they had the decency to look sheepish. "I know I fucked up. I'm sorry, really. I've lost so much, and, in the process, I lost _this_  too. I thought I was doing the right thing, helping the shadowhunters instead of helping my own. I'm so sorry; it was stupid of me to think that freeing someone like Camille was the best outcome for that situation."

"But if you knew, why did you come back?" Will asked and right after that, Joan punched him in the arm with a hissed _"Will!"_ "What? It's a valid question."

Simon frowned, confused. Didn't they agree to have him back? Raphael had said that they’d even voted. Was that a lie? Couldn't be. Raphael wouldn't lie to him straight to his face, not after the lie he'd lived for 6 months. Vampires weren't that heartless, he wanted to believe that.

But before he could voice his thoughts, the door opened and Stan came forward, his eyes searching for something.

"There's a werewolf asking for Simon and I don't–" Stan cut himself off the moment his gaze landed on Simon, his eyes widening in surprise. "Simon, I didn't know you were here."

"I just came back, hoping that this time I stay for good." Simon didn't have turn to know that the rest of them were looking at him. But he meant those words and he would do anything to keep them.

Stan nodded, looking a little bit confused but didn’t say much about the matter. “Welcome back. Luke Garroway is looking for you, he’s waiting outside.”

Simon nodded but before following Stan, he turned to Stella. “Quick question. If the vampire venom can cure my bad eyesight, it can also bring back the ability to hear, right?”

“Well, yeah,” Stella said, looking at him funny. “Essentially, the vampire venom can cure almost everything and before you say it, yes, being deaf is not really a sickness. Taylor and Rebecca explained that to us. The venom kills you, so if there are not functioning organs, you can’t really get ill. You’re dead but it also can cure you, so to speak, like with your eyesight, and it can also bring the ability to hear again. It sounds odd, we’re still trying to understand it ourselves.” Stella shook her head for a moment, like she couldn’t believe how their own nature was even more complicated to understand than being a mundane.

For him, being a mundane had been complicated and a lot of awkward limbs and puberty. Being a vampire was more confusing, so he understood the sentiment.

“Jonah can hear again, yes,” Stella continued, smiling a little. “As for him signing, I understand that it’s something he has been doing for three years to communicate, so it’s an essential part of him. Whether he will continue signing or not, it’s up to him but we will have to work around it so he can train properly… I have to admit, though, watching these kids cry because their brother can hear again, I think nothing can compare to that.” Her smile widened and her eyes turned a little soft and gooey on that.

Simon would admit, too, loud and clear, that all his insides turned to mush. Those kids deserved everything, and he was sure the clan would give them that. “Then I think we should start learning too, so he can feel at home.”

Because he would make it his next goal to make those kids at home, make them feel like they were wanted in this place, just like he’d been wanted when he first came to live here.

Simon looked at them one last time and headed out of the room. For one second, the thought of letting Raphael know about Luke crossed his mind but it wasn’t like Luke was inside the hotel and Raphael was probably busy dealing with whatever clan business he had to postpone due to Simon being out of commission.

When he finally made it outside the hotel, Luke noticed him and smiled at him.

“Hey, kiddo,” Luke greeted him, dragging him into a tight hug that Simon tried to match. “How are you doing?”

When they parted, Simon shrugged. “They are still kind of mad at me after the Camille debacle.”

"Can't really blame them," Luke replied, crossing his arms. "You have to understand that vampires are a tight-knit group. They keep to their own, so knowing that it was a vampire who did it, well, it was a low blow."

"No, I get that, I really do. Vampires are not forgetful." Simon didn't want to assume but it was clear they would never forget and even when he was planning on doing his hardest to mend his mistakes, Simon knew it was a little too late.

"I can always help you out, Simon," Luke offered, his eyes searching for Simon's. "Maybe not near the pack but a place for you."

Simon shook his head. "That wouldn't be fair. I... Raphael stayed there for three months, waiting for me to wake up and the moment I'm awake, I'm leaving? It doesn't feel right."

"But I know you don't feel right."

Simon tensed up and averted his gaze. Luke had never looked at him with pity but there was always a first time and he didn't want to risk his chances. He didn't reply.

That didn't stop Luke from saying his piece.

"Clary told me what happened. I can't believe she kept me in the dark for so long. I would have helped you, in any way I could but visits were limited. I..." He huffed, making Simon look up. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."

"What? No, no." Simon shook his head while waving his hands. He couldn't and wouldn't take any apologies from Luke. "There's nothing you have to be sorry for. I got into this myself and I'm the only one to blame."

“You were just new to this world and followed the lead of your best friend. You didn’t free Camille on purpose, you genuinely thought it was the right thing to do.” Luke shook his head and sighed heavily. “It wasn’t fair to you that they kicked you out.”

“It wasn’t fair to them either.” Simon had been gaining their trust and the moment Clary had suggested the idea, Simon had backed her up with the rest of the shadowhunters in tow. Simon still remembered how Raphael had looked at him, so disappointed but not surprised, not really. Maybe he had been ready for Simon to choose Clary over the vampires any minute and he hadn’t been wrong. “I don’t want to excuse my actions. I know I was wrong, even then I knew but I was just so caught up in everything… And then Aldertree happened, and how am I even here? They want me back.”

“But with conditions, I’m sure,” Luke guessed, a tilt in his eyebrows. “There has to be something for them to accept you back.”

“Yeah, that I don’t fuck it up again,” Simon muttered, looking down for a moment at his own feet. He needed this time to be better, he needed to _be_ better. “I plan on keeping my promise.”

They stood there in silence, but Simon knew Luke wanted to say more, maybe even disagree with him.

There was some truth in what Luke had said, however. There had to be conditions. Maybe they would tell him, maybe not, but there had to be because coming back shouldn’t be that easy. Not after what had happened between him and the clan. It wasn’t easy for him either, to be back.

“Listen,” Luke started, catching his attention, “whatever happens, if you don’t feel comfortable staying here and you need a new place, you call me. You hear me? It doesn’t matter the time. Call me and I’ll be here. Okay?”

Simon nodded; he didn’t have the strength to say no to Luke or to tell him lies. Luke would see through them anyways and he really wanted to accept all the help that he could get, even when no one really understood what he was going through.

“I will,” Simon said.

Luke nodded back. As if sensing something, he looked up and Simon followed his lead. They both saw how the sky had changed from that midnight dark blue to that clear blue with orange tones. It would be minutes before the sun was fully out and at its peak.

“You should go inside,” Luke said, gaze back on Simon, “we’ll talk more after you get some rest.”

Simon nodded again and without any prompting, he marched forward and hugged Luke, relishing in the warmth emanating from him. Against his shoulder, Simon muttered a “thank you,” knowing that Luke would hear him. Luke hugged him just as tightly again, no words needed from him and Simon wasn’t expecting them anyways. A pat on his back was incentive enough for Simon to break the hug and turned around, in the direction of the hotel’s entrance.

But not before hearing “talk to Raphael!” from Luke and just like that, Simon felt completely drained.

First, he needed to lay down and actually close his eyes, take a nap. Then… The rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 16 is TIGHT af, and I can't wait for you guys to read it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOLKS!
> 
> HAPPY 2020!! 
> 
> my updating schedule is a joke, but you guys know that lol rest assure, this fic is finished and i'll post the last chapter.
> 
> BUT! this chapter! i would go as far as to say it's my favorite. it give me chills and everything. i'll let you be the judge of that.

Simon wouldn’t say he that was well-rested, that would be a lie. The image of Lily killing Raphael would haunt him until he could get through it and convince his brain that it was all a dream that felt too real.

Not well-rested, but he had some energy to wander around the hotel and finally talk to the clan leader.

When he had made it back the night before, Brianna had intercepted him and told him that Stella had told her to walk him back to his room and when they had reached it, Simon had been amazed to see that the things he’d left, were still there. Even when Raphael had kicked him out, he hadn’t thrown Simon’s things away. He was more than touched.

He had fallen asleep, knowing that he was in a place that he knew.

It was still early for the vampires to be awake, but he was hungry, he needed his fill. Blood was still as disgusting as when he first turned but he’d made his peace with it; he knew that he needed it to survive.

When he made it to the kitchen, there was only one vampire awake besides him. Will.

“Good evening, sunshine,” Will said, over his glass of blood. It was a wine glass.

When he said that vampires were extra _extra_ , it wasn’t an exaggeration. Will was the prime example of that.

Simon nodded at him, not ready to be _extra_ cheery, simply because he remembered Will’s words from last night. It had hurt, that Will had gone as far as suggesting that Simon deserved a beheading. He had really fucked up with the clan if the most sarcastic man within it was this mean to Simon.

“I think I should apologize,” Will said, placing his glass on the table.

Simon was still standing under the threshold looking over at Will with mild shock but also because he felt like he was a stranger in this hotel, in this kitchen.

“For what?”

Will shrugged. “For last night. You didn’t deserve what I said. I fucked up too, just like Joan said, and my actions would have earned me at least a removal from the clan. I… I didn’t consider that it was Camille who turned you and push

Simon wouldn’t say he that was well-rested, that would be a lie. The image of Lily killing Raphael would haunt him until he could get through it and convince his brain that it was all a dream that felt too real.

Not well-rested, but he had some energy to wander around the hotel and finally talk to the clan leader.

When he had made it back the night before, Brianna had intercepted him and told him that Stella had told her to walk him back to his room and when they had reached it, Simon had been amazed to see that the things he’d left, were still there. Even when Raphael had kicked him out, he hadn’t thrown Simon’s things away. He was more than touched.

He had fallen asleep, knowing that he was in a place that he knew.

It was still early for the vampires to be awake, but he was hungry, he needed his fill. Blood was still as disgusting as when he first turned but he’d made his peace with it; he knew that he needed it to survive.

When he made it to the kitchen, there was only one vampire awake besides him. Will.

“Good evening, sunshine,” Will said, over his glass of blood. It was a wine glass.

When he said that vampires were extra _extra_ , it wasn’t an exaggeration. Will was the prime example of that.

Simon nodded at him, not ready to be _extra_ cheery, simply because he remembered Will’s words from last night. It had hurt, that Will had gone as far as suggesting that Simon deserved a beheading. He had really fucked up with the clan if the most sarcastic man within it was this mean to Simon.

“I think I should apologize,” Will said, placing his glass on the table.

Simon was still standing under the threshold looking over at Will with mild shock but also because he felt like he was a stranger in this hotel, in this kitchen.

“For what?”

Will shrugged. “For last night. You didn’t deserve what I said. I fucked up too, just like Joan said, and my actions would have earned me at least a removal from the clan. I… I didn’t consider that it was Camille who turned you and push

Simon wouldn’t say he that was well-rested, that would be a lie. The image of Lily killing Raphael would haunt him until he could get through it and convince his brain that it was all a dream that felt too real.

Not well-rested, but he had some energy to wander around the hotel and finally talk to the clan leader.

When he had made it back the night before, Brianna had intercepted him and told him that Stella had told her to walk him back to his room and when they had reached it, Simon had been amazed to see that the things he’d left, were still there. Even when Raphael had kicked him out, he hadn’t thrown Simon’s things away. He was more than touched.

He had fallen asleep, knowing that he was in a place that he knew.

It was still early for the vampires to be awake, but he was hungry, he needed his fill. Blood was still as disgusting as when he first turned but he’d made his peace with it; he knew that he needed it to survive.

When he made it to the kitchen, there was only one vampire awake besides him. Will.

“Good evening, sunshine,” Will said, over his glass of blood. It was a wine glass.

When he said that vampires were extra _extra_ , it wasn’t an exaggeration. Will was the prime example of that.

Simon nodded at him, not ready to be _extra_ cheery, simply because he remembered Will’s words from last night. It had hurt, that Will had gone as far as suggesting that Simon deserved a beheading. He had really fucked up with the clan if the most sarcastic man within it was this mean to Simon.

“I think I should apologize,” Will said, placing his glass on the table.

Simon was still standing under the threshold looking over at Will with mild shock but also because he felt like he was a stranger in this hotel, in this kitchen.

“For what?”

Will shrugged. “For last night. You didn’t deserve what I said. I fucked up too, just like Joan said, and my actions would have earned me at least a removal from the clan. I… I didn’t consider that it was Camille who turned you and push

you into this fucked up world.” He shook his head, like he couldn’t believe his own words. “You were just a mundane with a normal life. I’m sorry, Simon.”

Simon took his time to reply, going so far as to look for his mug, partly praying that it was still there. He opened the cupboard and in the middle of a bunch of other coffee mugs he found his. It was white with a sticker on it. “You’re a pain in the neck” with a picture of a mouth and fangs. It was a gift from Lily; when he’d first gotten it, he had laughed for at least 3 minutes. He loved puns but he also secretly loved that someone from the clan had given him something.

It also brought back Taylor’s words about him still having place in the hotel. His stuff was still here and for that, he was absolutely grateful.

He filled it to the brim with the thick liquid and took a sip, feeling his hunger receding a little.

“I took a conscious decision. Freeing Camille was something I knew I was doing; I thought I was doing the right thing because my best friend asked me to and I thought she was right. It’s no one’s fault but my own.” He shook his head and turned around. “You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

“But last night–”

“You were right,” Simon cut him off, “that kind of treason deserved a beheading. Whether it was Camille or Raphael, it was treason… I regret ever doing it. I regret ever talking to Aldertree. I regret that I lost this clan when I was starting to get the hang of this new life. I’m the one who should apologize.”

Will stared at him, a little perplexed and with his mouth hanging open but it seemed like what Simon had said sank in and Will nodded at him. He raised his glass towards Simon and then drank.

“Welcome back, Simon.”

Simon nodded back at him and they kept drinking their “breakfast” in silence. It wasn’t the welcome party he had been secretly wanting but that was the naïve part of him longing for that. In reality, he would have to face uncomfortable conversations and be accountable for his actions. Apologizing was his first priority.

However, he knew that they were hurt. With Simon being back, it was a reminder that one of their own could betray them when the situation arose.

Luke’s words came back, that he should talk to Raphael. They both needed some type of closure because while Raphael wouldn’t say a thing, Simon remembered how furious he had been when it had all happened and there must be something that the clan leader wanted to say now, to get off of his chest. Simon would take it.

Eventually, the rest of the clan started coming. Some greeted Simon, others nodded at him and a few just acknowledged him with a simple gaze. That was enough.

But there was no sight of Lily or Raphael, which was strange because as far as he could remember, they were usually the first ones to be here, drinking their breakfast. He’d thought that their meeting would be over by now but maybe he was wrong and if that was the case, he didn’t want to interrupt.

Then he saw Stella. Other than Lily, she would be the most likely to know if Raphael was still busy.

“I don’t know,” she said, taking a sip from her own cup. The kitchen was bursting with all of the members in it. “Last thing I knew was that they had to talk about something important, that’s why they didn’t join us.”

“Do you think it’s over by now?”

She shrugged but it was Will who replied.

“I’m sure that whatever you need you tell him he will hear you. Go.”

Without thinking too much, Simon left the kitchen with one thought in his mind: Raphael.

It was time for him to talk to him, to set things straight with the clan leader, and maybe to talk to him about his dream because it was killing him. Sleeping meant seeing the Raphael of his dreams getting killed on a loop and if he talked to the real Raphael, maybe his mind would catch up with the reality and stop this torture.

As far as he could remember, Raphael had one of the suites in the upper floors, so he took the elevator because he was a vampire and he would be extra _extra_ like his peers. Walking down these hallways was giving him whiplash again; on a conscious level, he knew that he was here but it was hard not to think about his Rose, even when it was a product of his imagination.

However, now he had the clan back and he would try his best to better his friendship with Raphael. Friendship because he couldn't ask him to make real whatever relationship he’d had in his dreams; it wouldn't be fair to Raphael to put him in that position. Simon wasn't sure if whatever he felt was real and he was damn sure that Raphael didn't feel that way.

He found himself walking down the hallway to where to Raphael's room was located; he walked closer and he saw that the door was ajar, so he raised his hand to knock.

_"_ – _But you have to talk to him."_

Those words made him stop mid-air. That was Lily's voice.

_"And tell him what? That it was a lie?"_ Raphael sounded distressed. Simon frowned and let his arm fall slowly. _"He's back now. He doesn't need to know that no one really wanted him back."_

What? Was Raphael talking about him?

_"So, it's fair for you to bring him back but the clan didn't know about this and Simon was all hopeful. That's cold, Raphael."_

Simon stood there in shock, his hand still mid-air.

Was he hearing that right? Had Raphael lied to all of them just to bring him back? That couldn’t be right. Why would he lie? He thought they were _fine_. He thought— Nothing. It was a lie. Now he knew why everyone had been so surprised when he showed up. And Stella— she hadn’t known and now, Simon knew why. A lie. Why? Why? _Why?_

"Simon."

Simon looked up to see Raphael standing there with the door completely open and surprised as well.

"What are you doing here?” Raphael asked.

Behind him, Lily was looking at Simon and it was such a familiar image that he had to take a moment and get himself together. This was real because the Raphael of his dreams wouldn't lie to him like that.

"Is it true?" Simon asked back, trying not to aver his gaze from the other man. "What she said. Is it true?"

Raphael pursed his lips; he was the first one to look away.

But Simon couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it.

"Lily, can you leave us alone, please?" Raphael asked, over his back.

Behind him, Lily just nodded and walked past Raphael, stopping for a second to look at Simon and then leaving. No words whatsoever to him but he wasn't expecting anything more.

Raphael, for his part, went inside, leaving the door open for Simon. He took that as his cue to go inside too, closing the door on his way.

"Why... why did you lie?" Simon asked, looking at the clan leader. "Do you even want me back?"

"Of course I do. That's why I brought you back."

Defensive, that was how Simon would describe Raphael at that moment. The clan leader kept averting his gaze, focusing on everything but Simon while Simon kept staring, fighting the need to scream at him.

"Then why? The clan clearly was fine with me gone." It hurt to say it out loud but it was true. He wasn't that great of an addition to them. "You didn't have to lie to them, to me."

"And what did you want me to do?" This time, Raphael really looked at him, like he wasn't backing out from this. "Leave you on the streets? Like I don't care about you."

"Could have fooled me when you told the clan to kill me on sight."

And right after those words, Simon regretted even opening his mouth, even when those thoughts slithered in inside his head. He closed his eyes for a moment, bracing for the wrath that would surely come his way.

“Oh, you want to have that conversation now. Fucking marvelous then. Let’s talk!” Raphael was furious, his jaw taut and there was no longer any shame about the supposed lie. “Let me remind you that it was you who put us at risk, put _me_ at risk. You didn’t think that Camille would come after me if she had the chance? I could be dead now and it would be thanks to you.”

“It was a mistake, okay? I’m fucking sorry! I didn’t think it would–”

“Yeah, that’s the thing, Simon,” Raphael cut him off, taking two steps forward towards Simon. “You don’t fucking _think_. If it doesn’t involve your precious shadowhunter or you, then you don’t give two flying fucks about someone else. Correct me if I’m wrong but that was the reason why you tipped Aldertree off about those vampire dens so you could save your ass for once.”

Simon shook his head, the rage and confusion that he had felt before leaving him for a moment to be replaced with shame. How the tables have turned.

“I’ve been saving your ass since the moment you first turned, when your _precious_ shadowhunter took that decision from you. I brought you here, tried to make you feel like one of our own, fed you, gave you a roof but the moment she called you, you were back to the shadowhunters and turned your back on us.” Raphael pointed a finger at him and shook his head. “Don’t you ever try to make me feel bad for what I’ve done.”

He turned around, like he was done with that conversation, but Simon wasn’t. If this was the way this was going to go, then so be it. This conversation was a long time coming and frankly, Simon was tired of people speaking for him.

“Say it like it is. You felt guilty and still do.”

Without turning, Raphael scoffed. “I told you to leave the hotel when you had the chance, to not come back but did you listen? Of course not. You never fucking listen.”

“But you were the one who kidnapped me,” Simon retorted and those were the perfect words to make Raphael react. Simon could see how his back tensed up and the air changed too. “A means to an end.”

Slowly, Raphael turned back to face him. “I was following orders because my life was on the line. I didn’t know you; I didn’t care about you. You were just another useless, chatty mundane. Of course you were a means to an end to secure my position as the clan leader and get rid of Camille once and for all.”

Maybe it was those months he had been deep in his dreams and the fact that he’d had another version of Raphael that made him forget how vicious Raphael could be with words. Simon was stunned, to say the least, and while on a conscious level, he knew all of this from before, it still felt like a punch in his gut to hear those words without any shadow of a doubt.

“But that didn’t give you the right to put the clan at risk.”

“And that gave _you_ the right to lie to me?” Simon looked at Raphael expectantly and for a moment, the older vampire averted his gaze. “Look at me. Why did you lie? I’ve spent 6 months of my life living a lie, a fantasy. The last thing I expect from you or from anyone is to lie to me again. I don’t need that. If you didn’t want me back, you should have said so.”

Simon got silence in return. Raphael couldn’t look at him or didn’t want to, Simon didn’t know. What he did know was that he was going to get an answer tonight because he wasn’t going to spend the night in a place that he wasn’t welcome.

“I didn’t receive any complaints about you coming back,” Raphael finally said, like it was enough of an answer.

Simon snorted loudly but there was no humor in it. “That’s your solution? Oh, no one is fighting back on the clan leader’s decisions so it must be all good. That’s your reasoning? Don’t fuck with me, Raphael.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“The fucking truth!” Simon shouted, making Raphael looked stunned and flinch back. “I’m tired of people making decisions for me, thinking that I can’t do any wrong, that I didn’t know what I was doing. Well, I did know. I made a mistake. I’m sorry. I apologized to everyone outside and fuck, I just hope I can mend my mistakes, but I can’t if I’m living another lie because you want to spare me the pain. I can’t go through that again. _I can’t.”_

Simon kept staring, waiting. This shouldn’t be happening. This was supposed to be a brand-new start for him, to really get to know the clan, to be part of them; to let those old grudges die even though he knew that vampires were adamant in not forgetting. Simon was sorry, he really was, and he wanted to prove that but what was the point if Raphael had lied to him from the start? Simon didn’t need that. Not now.

Simon swallowed. “If this… If this was what I had waiting for me, then it was better if I was still asleep.”

In other circumstances, he would have put more thought into that. Not blurting out whatever he had on his mind but maybe he really meant that. Maybe it would have been better to keep living a fantasy than to come back to whatever he had now. No one really wanted him back and Simon couldn’t help but think that Raphael was so insistent because he still felt guilty and was pitying Simon. He didn’t know which one was worse.

“I lied, yes,” Raphael started, not quite looking at Simon, “because I couldn’t leave you alone, even after everything. I still wanted to help you and I don’t know– You betrayed my trust and I’m still mad at you, and I don’t know if I can trust you again but you’re still a vampire, one of my kind and I… I didn’t want you to be alone when I know you have a place here.”

Raphael sounded sincere, at least for Simon. It didn’t sound fake or condescending, which Raphael was a master at. Simon felt touched; Raphael still cared for him and that should be enough, right? But he still had that nagging thought that Raphael had gone out of his way to lie to everyone— because it wasn’t just Simon, the clan hadn’t known about his comeback— and if Raphael cared for them like he had said so many times, then why had he lied in the first place? What was the point of all of this?

Raphael snorted, humorless. “And I shouldn’t, you know? Help you,” he said, looking at Simon. “Because I got burnt by UV lights, all because you ran your mouth… I have a betrayal and emotional scars on my shoulders because of you and I still decided to help you, to wait for you and to bring you back here.”

The UV lights. Simon still remembered that day, the smell of burnt skin and the painful-looking scars. Magnus had helped him with that, but Simon was so sure that Raphael would have killed him given the opportunity. He hadn’t wanted to feel guilty that day because he’d been so damn sure he was doing the right thing and there was no possible way he was making a mistake. How naïve of him.

“You have all of your reasons and I have mine. You could say we both made mistakes.” At that Raphael snorted. Simon continued, “We can stay here the

whole night listing all the reasons I’m a complete disappointment and I would say you’re right… But I still don’t understand why you lied to everyone.”

Raphael shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. For miniscule moment, he shook his head. “I don’t know.”

But Simon wasn’t having that. None of that. He took another step and another until the gap between them was smaller, just a few feet away. “I think you do.” He tried to search for Raphael’s gaze, but the clan leader kept averting his. “I think we both know why. You can say that it was to help me out and I appreciate it but… We both know there was something going on when I first came to live here. Between us; I still remember.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Raphael still wasn’t looking at him and by the looks of it, he wouldn’t do it anytime soon. Simon nodded. “Right. Okay… Thank you for what you have done but I just can’t live with you knowing that you lied to me.”

This time, Raphael looked up, his eyes wide with surprise and, if Simon wasn’t mistaken, fear. “What? What are you talking about? Do you even have another place to stay?’

Simon shrugged. “I’ll figure it out.” He turned around, ready to leave the room and leaving a shocked Raphael standing there in the middle of it.

When he was out of the room and inside the elevator, Simon breathed a shaky breath even though he didn’t need too and leaned against the wall.

He was tired and he didn’t know which one was killing his body: Raphael’s lies, that train wreck of a conversation and everything Raphael had said, the clan not even wanting to have him back or the fucking dream that was on a loop every time he so much as closed. Simon needed rest and it was entirely possible that if he decided to stay, he wouldn’t have that. Maybe he really needed to leave the city.

The elevator pinged open and he walked outside, standing in the middle of the lobby. It was deserted and perfect for Simon if he ended up having a mental breakdown.

But no. He needed to talk to someone. Someone who didn’t have a “soft spot” for him and would tell him the hard truths.

He pulled out his phone and when he found the right number, he dialed it and hoped they would pick up.

The call connected.

“Hey, Alec.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are nearing the end ;)

The thing about this dream he’d had was that he already knew to how to differentiate Alec from someone else, starting from his towering height to the way he walked. It was funny how a year ago, he hadn’t known anything about the guy and now he could even spot him among the darkness.

It was oddly comforting; he wanted to say that being here should be enough proof that he was fully awake but sometimes he would catch himself thinking that in any given moment, he would hear Rose’s laugh. It would make him feel crazier than before. Alec had been the only “real” person in his dream and so, watching him walk towards him felt grounding.

"Hey," Simon said, a little sheepishly, when Alec was standing in front of him, "I'm sorry I called you this late. I was hoping you weren’t busy. Were you? Busy, I mean."

Alec pursed his lips and shrugged. "Not at all. Well, kind of. Doesn’t matter. Did something happen?"

What didn't happen? That should have been the right question. He snorted. "Where should I start? No one wants me here."

Alec threw him a quizzical look and seemed all kinds of lost. "What do you mean?"

"The vote! What Raphael said back at Magnus'. It was a lie, no one really– Everyone was so shocked when I showed up and now I know why." Simon knew that he was getting worked up about this, his voice getting higher and frantic. "No one wanted me back and I fought with Raphael, it got ugly and maybe I should leave now."

"Okay, hold on. Let's back up a bit." Alec raised his hands, asking Simon silently to calm down. "What happened?"

So, Simon told him, from when they met Stella back at the lobby to his confrontation with Raphael. Everything. 

And he’d honestly thought that after a while it wouldn't hurt that much but his brain hadn’t sent the memo to his body because the moment he'd started repeating Raphael's words, he got all choked up and tears started prickling in his eyes. How he was supposed to go back after that?

"And that was when I called you," Simon finished, letting a stray tear roll down his cheek. Alec had seen him at his worst. Simon crying in front of him was nothing compared to that. "Maybe he did all of this out of pity."

"No," Alec said quickly but he sounded so convinced about it. "I won't pretend and say that I know the issues between you two, but I know what I saw over those three months and, Simon, that wasn't pity."

“I should just leave.” It hurt to even think about it, to lose this place for a second time but he wasn’t brave.

"Do you think leaving is the best option here?" Alec asked, crossing his arms over his chest. "Did someone actually say that they wanted you gone?"

"Well, not to my face but I'm sure they thought about it"

Alec shook his head. "Listen, I–"

"Is this going to be another apology? Because I'm not sure I can endure it."

It felt easier, more bearable, to know that he could still make jokes out of this because the alternative— cry until he fell asleep— wasn't really an option, or at least that was what he thought. He hadn’t really thought about draining his frustrations by crying and maybe he should give it a shot. There was nothing else to lose.

Alec found it funny and making the Head of the Institute laugh wasn't an easy feat.

"I don't think you should leave," Alec said, after a moment. "Neither of us know Raphael's reasons for lying and I'm not saying it was the right thing to do but I'm sure it was to keep you safe here."

Was it? To keep him safe. Or was it just pity? 

Simon wanted to be optimistic, to look at the bright side. No one had really straight-up said that they wanted Simon gone, not really, besides Elliot, of course. And maybe he shouldn't make this a big deal because like Alec said, maybe it was to keep him safe— dare Simon say, to get him back. Would it be so far-fetched to think that? 

"Should I stay to find out?'

Alec shrugged. "It's up to you. But... If you're considering it, maybe you don't really want to leave." He paused, looking at his surroundings for a moment. "Did you call me so I could convince you to stay?"

Simon tilted his head in consideration, then nodded. "Maybe. Would it hurt you to say it? We're besties now, Alec."

Predictably, Alec rolled his eyes. But it wasn't annoyance this time; Simon would go as far as to say this was a fond roll of eyes and that should count as a win. 

"Don't test your luck. Come on, let's take a walk." Alec was already turning around and Simon followed suit. 

It was clear that they were walking aimlessly, and maybe Simon wasn't the only one with an existential crisis. As the Head of the Institute, Alec surely had many more problems and Simon really wanted to ask, so this wouldn't be a one-sided situation. Alec could trust him, Simon wanted to say, but maybe they weren’t there in their friendship. Alec and Raphael had that in common; you had to earn their trust and maybe they would share something.

Simon didn't want to push his luck for meddling in personal business.

After a while in silence, Alec was the first one to talk. "Did you talk to him about, you know, your feelings?"

The question threw Simon off so much that he had to stop walking. "My feelings?" He didn't mean to sound so recriminatory, so _outraged,_ but how did Alec know something about his feelings when he didn't even know what to feel?

At his tone, Alec looked sheepish and opened his mouth a few times but nothing came out. "Well, your feelings," he said at last, looking at Simon expectantly. When that made Simon more confused, Alec huffed, this time annoyed. "I think it's pretty obvious what I'm talking about."

"No, Alec," Simon replied, crossing his arms. "Enlighten me."

"Your feelings. For Raphael. Not for nothing you dreamed about him."

That dream was a lucid dream, nothing was real and they all knew all about it. If he was harboring any feelings for Raphael, he wasn't stupid enough to talk about it with _him_. He had made that mistake already, while they had been fighting and now he was realizing how stupid it was to throw that to Raphael. 

_Maybe he's right and I don't really think before speaking or doing things._

Simon shook his head. "It was a spell, Alec."

"That took whatever you most desired and made it real."

"Well, _real_ is a strong word," Simon replied; that just earned him a deadpanned look from Alec. "What do you want me to say? That I want a family with him? A golden retriever and white picket fence. You know we can't have that."

"That you love him. Or at least like him," Alec shot back, unfazed at Simon's words.

That was the crux of his problems, it seemed. Because he didn't have anything sorted out, and maybe he’d been so adamant in that conversation because he’d wanted Raphael to say it back or to say something related to this I-like-you-not-really situation that was completely mixed up with the remnants of his dream. It was a mess and a half. What he needed was time and the last thing he needed at the moment, was to think about if what he was feeling was real or not. That much he said to Alec.

At least, time was a luxury that he had.

Alec nodded. "I'm going to head back to Magnus' place. Call me if you need anything."

"Yeah, okay. And Alec, thank you for coming."

Alec smiled a little and turned around, saying "no problem" over his shoulder.

Simon watched him go until he lost sight of him.

 

∞

 

After a lot of thinking and a few failed attempts to come up with what he was going to say to Raphael, he gave up and accepted the fact that he would have to improvise and let his mouth run. Be as honest as he could.

Simon took a shuddering breath for the 5th time, fully knowing that he didn't need to but also clueless as to what else he should do to calm himself. 

Maybe he should have done this in the privacy of his own room and not outside of Raphael's door, looking like a creep. There was no way that Raphael didn't know he was there, with his hearing and all, so he was just letting Simon lose his cool before opening the door. Simon wouldn't put it past him.

He took another breath–

_"For the love of God,"_ Raphael said behind the door, sounding exasperated, " _can you stop breathing and come inside already? It's getting on my nerves."_

He would be exasperated too if it wasn’t for the fact that he was completely and utterly nervous. Just last night they had had a fight and now Simon was coming back to make peace. Try to leave this all behind, if that was still an option.

When he finally made it inside, Raphael was already waiting for him in the middle of the room with his arms crossed. It brought him back to the night before. Déjà vu and all that.

“What is it?” he asked, concerned etched on his face.

Simon took a moment to appreciate that; even after their fight, Raphael would still care for him in a way that Simon hadn’t shown in all this time they had known each other. The embarrassment hit harder this time. Simon could love him with no conditions or resentments in his dream but here, with the spell gone and Simon wide awake, things were different. Looking at Raphael meant looking at all his mistakes and the person that got away, all at the same time.

Raphael raised an eyebrow when Simon took longer to answer. “Did something happen?”

“No.” Simon shook his head and then, like an afterthought, he nodded. “Well, yes.”

“Simon, I’m not in the mood for puzzles.” Beyond sounding annoyed or exasperated, Raphael sounded tired. _Drained._ “What is it?”

“About yesterday–”

Raphael shook his head before Simon had the chance to finish. “There’s no need, Simon. We don’t have to talk about this.”

They could leave this all behind but Simon wouldn’t forgive himself if he didn’t try to make sense of this whole situation with his unresolved feelings. He started walking but stopped abruptly when Raphael took two steps backwards, effectively putting more distance between them. Their relationship was all about that: distance.

“But we have to. What I said yesterday… I didn’t mean that.”

“Which part?”

“Everything. I didn’t mean anything. I just– I was angry. I didn’t think about your reasons and I just snapped at you because I thought that I could trust you, because that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time.” He didn’t need to add that it had been in his dream; they both knew that. “I took it out on you.”

Raphael didn’t say anything right away, instead he took his time to look at Simon and then sat down on the nearest sofa. “I guess that’s a recurring theme between us. I help you, you get angry and I… I wait and expect more from you.”

This time, Simon averted his gaze, shame filling him up. Raphael had the power to crumble his resolution with a few words. Words that were true, that was worth mentioning.

Raphael sighed, like he was tired of all of this. “But I think I should apologize.” That made him snap his head back and look at Raphael; Raphael nodded but not quite looking at Simon. “I thought that if I lied to you, told you that everyone wanted you back, then that would make you happy. But I guess… I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to keep you safe and it was more for my sake than yours.”

“So, it wasn’t pity? It was to keep me safe?” Simon paused, and for a moment he remembered his conversation with Alec. He swallowed. “Do you really care about me?”

Raphael rolled his eyes and then looked up at Simon. “Why do you sound so surprised? I care about you. I think I’ve done enough to prove that to you.”

Simon had to tread carefully in this conversation because the last thing he wanted was for them to end up fighting again but he also understood that Raphael may have pent up rage against him, and Simon should at least give him the opportunity to say his piece.

He sat down across from Raphael. “I was so caught up in other things. I never noticed before.”

“I would say,” Raphael muttered under his breath.

For a moment, they stared at each other in silence. In other circumstances, this scenario would be ridiculous but in the here and now, between them, it was an opportunity for them to clear everything up, to build new bridges. To even start forgiving.

“You’ve been doing all the talking all this time so let me start.” Simon wringed his hands tightly, trying to quell the nervousness that had been consuming him since he’d decided that enough was enough and that he had to talk to the clan leader. “I need you to know that I’m sorry. For everything… In my mind, I thought that if I followed Clary around, nothing would change, not even me turning into a vampire. I didn’t realize that I would lose my family in the process and I was so focused on getting them back that I didn’t take into account that I was losing another.” He paused just to take a look at Raphael. “That I was losing you.”

That made Raphael avert his gaze but that didn’t deter Simon. He needed to get this off of his chest, whether Raphael was ready to hear it or not.

“I took my fury out on you,” Simon continued, holding his hands together, “I called you monster, I blamed you when I should have blamed myself for the whole Camille thing–”

“That wasn’t your fault, Simon.”

“But it was,” Simon pressed on, slightly touched that even now Raphael was ready to reassure him. “We both know it was, but I was slow to notice. I treated you so badly and yet, you were always there to save my ass. _Always._ I know that now. _”_

Raphael didn’t seem like he was going to reply and that was good because Simon had a lot to say and nothing was going to stop him.

“But even then… I don’t even know how to say this but something happened between us and I know I’m not imagining things. I’m naïve but not stupid.”

“Simon–”

“You know I’m right. We kissed, remember that? Before the dream. I was freaking out because of a nightmare and you thought that the best way to calm me down was to kiss me and it worked.”

Unfortunately, that kiss had been like a domino effect for him because he had stopped looking at Raphael the same way and as much as he wanted to deny those buried feelings, they were there just below the surface. And it made this whole situation worse because even with those denied feelings, he had gone and betrayed Raphael in the most horrible way. Twice.

“Then I got myself into this situation where I can’t even differentiate reality from fantasy. I have all my feelings mixed up, Raphael. I look at you and for a moment I believe I’m with the Raphael in my head and I’m dying to tell you– to tell _him_ how much I love him but I can’t because _he_ doesn’t exist and you’re here and how could you love me after all of this?”

Raphael opened his mouth and for a miniscule moment, very small, Simon was hopeful that he would say that he could love Simon just like he did those months ago, but he didn’t say anything. He shook his head, more to himself than to Simon, and all of that hope came crashing down.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Raphael said, after a moment of silence. “I tried to convince myself that it was just a kiss to calm you down, nothing more and since you were so in love with Fairchild, it didn’t matter.”

It did matter, Simon wanted to say but there was no point. It wasn’t like things were going to be different if he said it. And, anyways, it was a long time ago. There was no point in going back to that.

But it didn’t stop him from feeling disappointed.

“Is there something you want to tell me?” Simon asked, bracing himself for impact.

Raphael sighed loudly, like it pained him to say what he would say next. He looked at Simon. “I’ve spent so much time being angry at you, thinking what I would say if I ever met you again after you left and at the same time, being worried about you because you couldn’t survive alone, not really. And I kept asking myself why you would betray me like that, whether it was because you hated me that much but I wasn’t brave enough to ask you that because I was afraid that you would say it, that you hated me.” He paused, swallowing for a moment. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I lied to you. I shouldn’t have.”

“I’m just tired of people deciding for me and thinking they know what’s better for me instead of letting me know. If the clan didn’t want me back, you should have said so. I can take rejections.”

Raphael nodded. “I understand… Did you decide when you are leaving?”

“No, I’m staying.” And somehow that stopped Raphael from looking as tense as he’d been looking since Simon had arrived. “I want the clan to know I’m not leaving them again and I promised Stella that I would stay for good.”

“That’s good to know. I’m glad.”

Simon sighed, nodding at that. He just hoped that this was the right call for him.


	18. Chapter 18

A week went by.

Simon would say that it went fairly smoothly, all things considered.

The clan warmed up to him again, some of them went as far as to throw him a welcome back party, in which Simon may or may not have cried a little. The clan would never let him live that down but Simon didn’t care. He felt welcomed by everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

Elliott still threw glares at him for being there, for the mere idea of his _existence_ and were it up to him, Simon wouldn’t even be considered to be part of the clan ever again. Simon could feel the threatening glare on the back of his neck every day but at the end of the day, it wasn’t up to him but to Raphael to decide if Simon was staying; Simon wondered if that was what bothered Elliott the most. Still, that didn’t stop the guy from making snarky comments and hissing at him whenever he had the chance.

As for Raphael, beyond being mad at him, Simon was annoyed and still a little iffy with the general situation of his comeback and the lying, even though Raphael and him had kind of reached a compromise. Bottle-up their feelings and somehow start anew again. That had worked for him and Clary, should work again this time around.

Simon had spent the majority of his nights trying to avoid Raphael at any cost because while they were on “good terms”, Simon could still feel that pit in his stomach every time he so much as looked at the clan leader. The dream was

still messing with his head and had this ridiculous _need_ for it to be real but that wasn’t an option.

As for the clan, he talked to Stella, who talked to Lily and later to Raphael, about how they should start learning sign language so Jonah could feel welcomed, seeing as he wasn’t going to stop sign language just because he could hear now. And while the elders didn’t like the idea at first, they soon learned that this was just to make one of their own happy and welcomed, something they all knew damn well wasn’t easy to get. Simon wished that he could have had something like that when he’d first come to live here. While Jonah was shy to admit it, Simon knew that this was something he appreciated.

Simon looked up just in time to see Raphael entering the room he was in to talk to Lily at the far end of the room. Instinctively, he folded into himself just so Raphael wouldn’t see him and maybe to even lie to himself that the man wasn’t there. It was getting harder and harder to convince himself that he didn’t like Raphael, not in that way, when even the mention of his name would send him back to his old feelings.

He was starting to believe that, although his dream had been fake, his feelings weren’t. And that was dangerous.

Simon hadn’t had good luck when it came to relationships or _feelings_ , for that matter. Clary was the prime example of that. He wasn’t sure if he could endure another silent rejection, from the clan leader no less. It was getting harder and harder to convince himself about his feelings being just the remnants of his dream and every time he so much as glanced at Raphael, Simon would start _yearning_ for something that he’d never had and it was fucking him up. Big time.

But then again, Raphael didn’t feel the same way and he wasn’t going to make him uncomfortable with his one-sided feelings. Simon wasn’t going to repeat the Clary situation and further ruin this precarious relationship with Raphael. One more wrong word and Simon was sure that Raphael would kick him out for good this time.

When he looked back up, Raphael wasn’t there anymore; he released the air he’d been holding like the human he wasn’t. This was getting ridiculous and he had a lifetime ahead of this if he didn’t find the courage to face Raphael again.

“Just so you know–”

Simon almost jumped out of his skin and turned around to see Lily, making herself comfortable next to him. Like she hadn’t just given him the scare of his life.

“–That little trick you did earlier didn’t work.” She paused to look at him. “He saw you. I mean, he can feel you. All of us can, one of the perks of being part of the clan.”

Simon nodded and averted his gaze. He still couldn’t face Lily, not like this when they were alone. It wasn’t hard for him to admit that his avoidance of Raphael had something to do with Lily too. He was terrified of her and a single glance at her would send him back to that moment when she’d slit Raphael’s throat and there’d been no regrets in her eyes.

It had been a dream and yet, here he was, feeling scared of her.

“I was meaning to talk to you,” Lily said, crossing her arms and still looking at him. Simon could feel her gaze. “But you always run away before I can even approach you.”

“I just– I don’t want to get in your way.”

“Bullshit.”

Simon looked up the ceiling for strength because there was no way that he would survive this conversation out of pure will and luck.

“Raphael told me what happened to you, the real reason you were out those three months. And I– Look at me.” Simon swallowed and willed himself to look at her. “Do you believe I would do something like that? Betray Raphael like that.”

Simon shook his head because he really believed that Lily wouldn’t do such a thing. Raphael trusted her with everything and the fact that he’d left for three months with Lily in charge was proof of that.

“Then why? Is there a reason you would think so low of me?”

There wasn’t, not really. There wasn’t anyone more loyal than Lily and he could bet that after Magnus, Lily was the most loyal friend and a steady support. He shook his head.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with you, not really. It’s all in my head, if I’m being honest. There’s–” he cut himself off and pursed his lips. Taking a deep breath, he fully turned to look at her. “I lost him, there in the dream. You killed him.”

He let the statement linger in the air; if it had any effect on her, Lily didn’t show it and he expected no less from her but if they were going to have this conversation, Simon was going to be as honest as he could.

Weeks later after being woken up, he could still see that image so vividly: Raphael’s lifeless body, lying there in one of the many hallways of the DuMort,

blood pouring out of him like a fountain. He would have stood there, watching, frozen, if Alec hadn’t been there to pull him out, to push him forward.

He swallowed, and pushed himself forward, this time. “You killed him and I know _,_ I _know_ it’s not real and I’m here but… Every time I look at you, I see _him,_ lying there. Dead. And I just can’t take it… I don’t want to think about the possibility of losing him like that, that my dream can become true somehow.

Lily leaned closer, her gaze searching. “I’m sorry, Simon.” Her voice was sincere but thankfully, there was no pity. “I am, truly. I can’t imagine what it is like for you to have seen that. I’m sorry… But I need you to know that Raphael is safe here and beyond him being the clan leader, he’s my best friend too. I can’t fathom the idea of hurting him. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to this clan and I will ensure that it stays that way. I don’t– The last thing I want is for you to be scared of me, Simon.”

Simon believed her, he truly did but saying that and actually convincing his head about it were two different things. This whole thing was messing up his head; why had he thought that following Clary was such a great idea?

“I know,” he said at last. “I know you wouldn’t put him at risk. It’s this _thing_ that– I’ve never thought I would have to see Raphael die but then my head is pulling these tricks on me and… I don’t trust myself yet to know what’s real or not. For me it was six months and I was getting comfortable with that life, just so I could be told it wasn’t real.”

Lily stared at him in silence. He couldn’t ask for her for understanding because no one could really put themselves in his shoes and understand his predicament. It was such an odd situation that no one could really get. But he could ask for time and he hoped, for the sake of his sanity, that Lily would grant him that so he could stop being scared of what she could do.

But he needed to try and make his people understand his situation, so he could start _living_ again. “In my head, you killed him like he didn’t mean anything to you and I’m scared that something like that could happen, that you could change your mind any day and make my nightmares come true. I know it won’t happen but–” he shrugged, feeling at a loss for words for a moment, “I still feel that way.”

She nodded again and remained silent, probably wrapping her head around his situation. If that was even possible. After all, Simon was still wrapping his head around it.

But the general consensus was that he had been a dumb boy following his crush to the literal end of the world, to end up in a coma and with no girl, no boy, no nothing. It was laughable and he hoped he could laugh about this in the future when he’d stopped being afraid all the time.

“There’s something I should tell you,” she started, pulling him out of his thoughts, “and I will deny it if you say I told you but… I think I should talk to Raphael again.”

He stared at her in shock and when that passed, he snorted. “Talk? After last time? No way. I’d probably make a fool of myself. _Again_ , and I don’t need that.”

“Well, you need to. He doesn’t say it but this silent treatment is affecting him too. It’s been a week, Simon. How long do you think you two can last?” Lily asked, turning just so she could glare at him. “It’s getting on everyone’s nerves.”

Long enough so he could stop feeling this way, probably, but he wasn’t going to say that out loud. Lily didn’t have to know about his one-sided feelings. That was another running theme in his life: falling for someone who would never like him back.

“I don’t know why you’re making a big deal out of this. It’s not like he cares.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, but she was far from impressed. “That’s rich coming from you, since he was the one who stood by your side.”

“I know that and I’m grateful for that but this– He knows that the dream is over, and he can move on.” And he wished he could do that too because these mixed-up feelings were slowly killing him. “This silent treatment, as you call it, it’s just me trying to figure out my life without bothering him.”

“Does he know that?”

Little pieces of his last conversation with Raphael came to the front of his mind. He had been angry because of the lies and ready to leave the DuMort, but he had decided against it. Somehow, that had translated to Simon not talking to Raphael and Raphael not trying to talk to him, giving him space that Simon hadn’t asked for but wished for anyways. Even then, Raphael had known what Simon needed without him voicing it out loud.

“I want to believe he knows,” Simon replied.

Lily pursed her lips, clearly not convinced by that but she wouldn’t push, Simon was sure of that. Vampires had this weird 6th sense of not pushing when the other didn’t want to dwell in a conversation.

She stood up and rearranged her clothes, smoothing the edges. When she was done, she turned around to look down at Simon.

“There are some things that he needs to figure out too and you should be the one helping him.”

Before Simon could even think of an answer, Lily was out of the room, leaving him with even more questions and another dilemma: find out what was bothering Raphael.

 

 

∞

 

 

"I'm having a crisis." That was the first thing that Raphael said when Magnus opened the door of his home.

With his back turned to him, Magnus just hummed and went back to the organized disaster he had going on on his coffee table.

"Aren't we a little bit old for a middle-age crisis?" Magnus mused, his gaze focused on a vial with a gray liquid in it. "Can't say I had one, though."

Raphael rolled his eyes. "I'm serious."

"I hope this is not another tailored-blazer-related crisis." Magnus gazed at him, knowingly, placing the vial back on the coffee table.

If Raphael had an ounce of fresh blood in him, he could at least blush in shame but alas, that wasn't the case and he was too worried about his Simon-related-crisis to care about clothes. That was how bad it was.

"What is it, then?" Magnus sat down on his favorite love seat and crossed his legs. "Because the last crisis we had was Simon and he's awake now."

Something was off, Raphael could tell. By this point, Magnus would be all over him, asking him what the problem was, even going as far as to offer him a few solutions. But right at that moment Magnus was just... off. Raphael frowned and sat across from him, slowly.

"What's going on?"

Magnus shrugged. "Whatever do you mean, dear?"

Raphael frowned even more while Magnus smiled sweetly at him, not really worried about Raphael's internal crisis and maybe he was taking it out of proportion. If Simon had spent a week without talking to him, then Raphael should respect that and give him the space that he needed. Not be mad about it.

No, mad wasn't the word. Maybe annoyed.

He had never really needed to talk to Simon before. Raphael had always found his blabbering annoying but after the dream debacle, not hearing him speak

was killing him slowly. It didn't help that every time Raphael had walked into a room, Simon would shrink or straight up leave.

"You're acting strange. What's going on?"

Magnus shrugged again. "I don't know what you mean. How is Simon, by the way? I'm guessing everything is going smoothly."

Passive-aggressive, that was how Raphael would describe Magnus. And his tone was implying that he knew something. Magnus was looking at him expectantly with that sickly-sweet smile of his.

He knew something, that was for sure.

"Is there something I need to know?" Raphael asked, but he was already dreading the answer.

"Oh, you know–" Magnus shrugged again, "–things that happen every day, like waking up a vampire who's been asleep for three months just for his sire to lie to him about the clan wanting him back."

Magnus looked so calm but Raphael knew it was a facade. 

But even when he felt embarrassed about being called out, he couldn't help but feel angry too for the questioning of his decisions. 

"It was for the best," Raphael simply said.

"Right, of course. Because what Simon needs is being lied to after he'd spent 6 months living a lie." Magnus sighed, like this issue pained him to no end. "We didn't spend weeks waking him up for this, Raphael."

"I didn't come here so you can scold me for my decisions."

"Maybe I should," Magnus cut him off with a stern voice. "Maybe I should question all of your decisions since you're risking everything."

Raphael laughed but there was no humor in it. "The one time I want to be selfish for myself because I wanted him to be safe, it's all wrong."

"There were better ways to do that and none of them were lying to him."

Raphael knew that, of course he knew but at the moment he had panicked and the only option he’d seen was to say a lie. He had been so sure that Simon wouldn’t want to come back and so, he had done what everyone had been doing this whole time: make decisions for him. As someone who had years of experience to spare, Raphael should have known better.

"It's all wrong." Raphael shook his head and leaned back against the backrest. "He hates me now."

"Simon is incapable of hating. He didn't hate you before and he won't start now."

Raphael shook his head again. "No, you don't see him. He won't talk to me and if we are in the same room, he basically runs away."

"Can you blame him?" Magnus asked, his chin perched on the back of his hand. At least his tone wasn't accusatory anymore. "At least he stayed."

"Yeah, for now. Until I fuck things up again because I want to be selfish and I want him to stay and mend things because I..." And then he stopped. He what? What was his excuse? He cared for Simon, of course and that was fine. He was just worried. Raphael sighed. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

"I know you meant well and I'm sure Simon sees it that way but for the love of God, listen to me this time." Magnus leaned over his knees this time, his eyes appraising him. "Give him some time, more now than before. Let him come to you. Let him make his own decisions. Simon is not a baby that needs to be coddled all the time."

It wasn’t impossible and yet, the need to know he was okay, that he was doing well, was greater than the desire to wait for him to ask for help. Raphael was actually surprised that he had managed to put an order to kill on sight that time, but he guessed that that anger had been even bigger than his need to protect. He had been trying to be a good clan leader for everyone.

Magnus stood up and walked towards the drink cart he had close by. “And we both know that you need time to figure out your feelings.”

Confused and a little bit out of place, that was how he felt. He turned around. “What?”

Magnus threw him a look like Raphael should know what he was talking about but for the third time in this conversation, Raphael was clueless.

“Are we going to pretend that that’s not the crisis you were talking about?”

Raphael spluttered and felt a little scandalized. “That’s not– Why would we– I don’t have feelings for Simon. I’ve told you before that wasn’t an option.”

Magnus hummed while swirling his drink in his hand. “Even after everything you’re really convinced that there’s nothing going on between you two.”

Raphael was ready to remind him that it had all been a dream and now that Simon was awake and fully conscious, he would realize sooner rather than later that it was just ludicrous to pursue that dream. Because Simon didn’t feel that way, not really and Raphael wasn’t boyfriend material.

But that made him stop.

Would it be a bad idea? To pursue that dream, have that little family Simon dreamed of, have Simon look at him just like he had seen the Raphael of that dream. Loving eyes and soft smiles. Maybe this Raphael wanted that.

Looking up, he saw Magnus smirking. Like he knew something.

“I’m going to let you come that conclusion yourself. Now.” Magnus placed his drink back over the cart and walked back to his love seat. “Let’s talk about your party. You don’t turn 71 every day.”

“Absolutely no.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Raphael grumbled; the Simon debacle briefly forgotten. He didn’t need a birthday party simply because it was a waste of time. There were other things more important than this celebration, if he could call it that. Not to mention that having a lot of supernatural beings in one place was dangerous and could turn them into an easy target. He made sure to remind Magnus of that.

Instead of agreeing with him, Magnus just rolled his eyes. “There’s always going to be a tragedy, a war, another crazy shadowhunter. We both know that but if we don’t find the moments to make this life bearable, are we truly living?”

“It’s too dangerous, Magnus. I won’t risk my people.”

Magnus pursed his lips, clearly not liking the answer but he knew that Raphael wouldn’t back down. No was his final answer.

 

 

∞

 

 

When he came back to the hotel, Raphael was surprised to see everyone gathered around in one of the common areas, with Lily in the middle of it.

“Did you call for a meeting? Did I miss it?” he asked.

“Magnus called me. He said that you didn’t want a birthday party,” Lily announced, and Raphael rolled his eyes, knowing where this was going.

“We haven’t had a party since John’s and that was in the 2000’s,” Will said from somewhere on his left while John was declaring very loudly that his party had been great.

“Will, just say that you want an excuse to party,” Stella butted in, rolling her eyes at him.

“With all due respect, Raphael, I really want to party.” Will made a good attempt of doing puppy-dog eyes at him.

Elliott stood up and right at that moment, Raphael knew the clan was going to boo and even hiss at him.

“We are vampires, not mundanes. What is wrong with you people? Don’t get on their level.” There was venom in his voice and so much conviction that the mundanes were the lower species here.

Raphael made a mental note to keep an eye on him because that view of the world was not healthy.

“Maybe you should shut the fuck up and let us live a little,” Joan hissed at Elliott while the rest of the clan was clapping for her. ‘We need that.”

“Come on, Elliott. Lighten up a little,” Thomas, one of the younger ones, said and looked up at Raphael for a brief moment. “Stop resenting the world.”

Before Elliott could come up with something, Lily took that moment as her cue. “What the clan is trying to say and is failing horribly at,” she started, throwing everyone a meaningful look and finally looking at Raphael, “is that we would like you to reconsider. It’s not everyday that we get this opportunity.”

Raphael shook his head. “It’s too risky–” the clan started booing at him. “We would be easy targets, all of us together in one place! It’s dangerous.”

“We can take care of each other,” Joan said loudly, her voice drowning out the booing. “And the High Warlock is going to be there too.”

“Magnus is not going to babysit all of you, I won’t ask him to do that.”

“But he will protect the place,” Lily said, taking a step forward towards him. “He more than promised… Listen, there’s no tragedy going on, no crazy shadowhunter going rampant. We should enjoy this time that we have. No drama looming over us and we both know that you need time off too. It’s your birthday. Enjoy it.”

He didn’t like the idea, it was dangerous. All of them in the same place was fresh meat for any shadowhunter that had some murderous feelings that night. However, he also knew that the vampires liked to go out, not being holed up in the hotel every night. Just because he felt comfortable that way, didn’t mean that every vampire liked it too.

So, he would have to compromise.

With a heavy heart, he nodded. “Fine. Let Magnus know I agree.” The clan burst into claps and cheers. They were happy, so maybe this time he was making a good decision.

When Raphael looked up, he locked gazes with two soft brown eyes whose owner was smiling softly at him.

_Simon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters left :')


End file.
